Monday, November 23, 2009

No. 86 "How To Act Like A Grown Up."

Acting like an adult is just that, acting. You don't actually have to be mature or carry a job that involves something other than fast food. Once you start getting older, it is expected of one to hold themselves in a certain regard. Unfortunately, this manner rarely, if even, involves getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon because you have to "finish the keg before it goes bad." One must fit in with actual adults that look down on those who still enjoy breaking into hotel swimming pools and pissing off balconies. To act like a grown up you just have to follow a few simple rules that I will walk you through.

Drink Wine:
Drinking more booze? Sounds like a great idea! Well, unfortunately it's not as tubular rad as it sounds. Instead of chugging cans of cheap beer and making whiskey cokes with five parts whiskey and one part coke, you will have to drink (and learn how to pronounce) different wines in moderation. That's right. Two glasses is the norm for most social functions, and if you're gonna get really crazy you can split a bottle of wine with your wife "Wait, wife?" (We'll get there.) Wine is classy. You don't hear drunken vicenarians* talking about the age or region of their beer. They just drink it, smash it on their head and repeat. Oh, and wine tastes like shit so you better get used to it.

"How immature!," "That just makes me sad," "Let's get out of this neighborhood, there's too many minorities." These are just a few statements that you will need to recite in order to become a full fledged adult. As a young adult, judgment is rare. We don't care if someone is different, we'll just make fun of them incessantly. If someone is making poor life decisions, we laugh and high five them. Not when you're a grown up. You must look down on these people that choose to "have fun," "stay out late," and "work at McDonald's." So look down your nose at those that use theirs to consume drugs while in Vegas. It will help you forget all the fun times you had only a few short years ago, and remember that Frasier is on in fifteen minutes.

No more "suck," "cock," or "cum dumpster." Using Latin phrases really impresses the masses. Latin is the smart person's second language, unlike Spanish and God forbid French. It's like being bilingual without having to work at Taco Bell. To garner a wide vocabulary, one must go to college and actually study. If its too late for that, just get a Word of the Day Calender. These are perfect, and each day you get to challenge yourself. It will be a funky adventure trying to slyly use the word referendum in a conversation. So go out there and sapere aude all over the fucking place.

I know what you're thinking. Reading sucks. But you're doing it right now, (well, sort of) so it shouldn't be too hard to do with actual books. Adults like to have these things called "book cases" in their homes to show off their collection of square objects with text. It's kind of like a DVD collection, except not cool. To act like an adult you will also have to actually read. Coloring books do not count unfortunately, but you can still use them in your free time because they're super awesome. Adults will often join book clubs where they talk about the book's themes and characters and other very, very boring things that do not involve jet skis.

New Friends:
Johnny D, Olly and Moose must go by the wayside. Actually, any of your friends with nick names are people that you must abandon once you become a grown up. Once you rid yourself of your actual friends you enjoy being around, you must find a new group of friends, preferably ones that wear collared shirts underneath cashmere sweaters and names like W. Seymore Finch. Find yourself a clique of sophisticated professionals who go to coffee shops and put up signs next to their laptops that say "Working. Please Do Not Disturb." These new friends of yours may not be funny, loyal or even interesting, but they will make you feel like an adult by constantly yelling at servers for their lack of Southern French wine knowledge.

A Healthy Diet:
No, that doesn't mean ordering chicken instead of beef in your burrito at 4 AM. It means buying soy this, and low-fat that. You're getting older and your metabolism that you abused throughout college is about to get its revenge on your chest in the form of man-boobs. The first thing you must do without is cheese. Back in the day you would put cheese on everything. Chips. Burgers. Ramen noodles. Not anymore. Now, the only time you can consume cheese is at a fondue party.** Remember those nasty green things your bitch mother used to force feed you? They're back. Vegetables. You have to eat them because they're good for you and spitting them into napkins is not what grown ups do.

You have to wear suits everywhere. To work, to family functions, to Hot Dog Eating Contests. Whenever I see a dude in a suit I know he means business. Suits insinuate power and respect. Your beer pong semifinalist t-shirt from 2004 does not. (Just kidding, that's awesome, dude!) Work places often times require a dress code that you must abide by. Adding accessories to the your work wear is not recommended. So no sombreros, glow stick necklaces or chains for your wallet. When out with friends***, you can dress more casual with a sweet cardigan, turtleneck, or polo. Remember all the clothes your grandma gave you that you never wear? Well, now you have a reason to dust them off and wear them while visiting wine country!

A Wife And Kids:
Ugh. I know.

Here is a short list of other changes you will need to make in order to act like a grown up.
-Proper bed time.
-Cleaning your home more than once a month.
-Insisting on paying for the check at a restaurant while with friends.
-Working more than 15 hours a week.
-Male Pattern Baldness.
-Self control.
-Having the skills to actually fix things.
-Doing your taxes.

Now you are ready to jump into the real world and act like an actual grown up. Your life will involve less drunken sluts and late-night burrito runs and more cleaning and scrap booking. Take down your Bob Marley posters and paint your walls with paint that has descriptive names. You had fun over the last few years, but now it's time to take off that ironic t-shirt and put on a man-suit. Don't fret though, you can still have fun at a wine tasting or enjoy new types of cheese at a fondue party. Actually, just kill yourself.

*Sweet new word I learned that means people between 20-29. Use it to impress grandma!
**It's not worth it though, no nacho cheese.
***AKA your wife's friends.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

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