Thursday, November 19, 2009

No. 85 "A Loser Throws A Party."

12:12 PM: Alright, throwing a party. Seems like the parties I've been going to lately have totally sucked. I keep getting kicked out within the first thirty minutes for "not being fucking invited."

12:37 PM: Just invited all 43 of my Facebook friends, 38 of my Myspace friends and 561 of my Hornymatchups.com friends. This party is gonna be off the chain!

1:02 PM: Getting decorations for the party. Haven't decided on a theme so I just bought a bunch of random stuff. Kinda expensive, but it'll be worth it.

1:49 PM: Finished putting up the decorations. I guess it'll be a St. Paddy's/Cinco De Mayo/Birthday/Baby Shower themed party.

2:23 PM: Making some sweet mix CD's. Adding some N*SYNC and 98 Degrees (for the ladies.)

2:54 PM: Buying some condoms. Hopefully tonight's the night I get that monkey off my back.

2:56 PM: I should get a tooth brush, too. In case she spends the night. Oh, and Love Actually is on sale. I can see a late night movie sesh going on after the party.

4:22 PM: Just picked up the keg. Wow, these are really heavy. I wish the guy at the liquor store helped me load it into my car instead of laughing at me and talking to his friend in Spanish.

5:29 PM: Cleaning the house. Don't want people feeling uncomfortable because my place is unkempt.

5:48 PM: Just told my neighbors about the party. They said they'd come once hell freezes over, then proceeded to throw rocks at my car. They're kind of jerks.

6:03 PM: Better put on my acne medicine so I don't break out.

6:29 PM: All done putting on my acne medication. Watch out ladies! Gonna take a nap and then get ready for this par-tay!

8:22 PM: Just woke up, gotta put the finishing touches on my awesome party.

8:24 PM: Got a really awesome shirt that says: "This Is My Party Shirt." People are going to think it's great.

9:03 PM: Got the alcohol, the decorations, the sweet tunes... now I just need some people to come over.

9:28 PM: Waiting outside to greet my guests.

9:34 PM: Waived down a car that I thought was coming to my party. They weren't very happy, called me a fag, then sped off.

9:39 PM: Still waiting.

9:48 PM: The first guests have arrived.

9:49 PM: The first guests have left.

10:04 PM: Apparently my neighbors are having some sort of a party next door. Maybe that's why no one has come to mine yet. Saving the best for last. Oh yeah!

10:19 PM: Just finished my second Zima. Party time!

10:32 PM: The cops came to break up the other party, that means they pretty much have to go to mine.

10:39 PM: And the party has started! Wow that's a lot of people coming into my house. I hope they read the "Please Remove Your Shoes" amendment in my House Rules posted to the left of the front door.

10:41 PM: My floors are covered in mud. Its not even wet out, how did this happen?

10:47 PM: Well, I guess no one likes my taste in music since all my sweet mix CD's are on the ground.

10:56 PM: Meeting some really cool people. I haven't actually talked to anyone yet, but I'm standing in their circle and I'm sure I'll get a chance to talk eventually.

11:09 PM: I guess not.

11:13 PM: These really hot girls came in, looked around and started to leave. I stopped them and gave them a proper greeting, (like a good host should) they said they would be right back. It just took a little convincing.

11:20 PM: People are doing keg stands. I'm gonna give it a try.

11:22 PM: Kinda wish someone would have helped me out. I thought it was supposed to be a team building exercise. My head really hurts.

11:34 PM: A bunch of black guys just showed up. Now you know my party is legit.

11:43 PM: The black guys left. Has anyone seen my laptop?

11:48 PM: Gonna play some beer pong and make some friends.

11:49 PM: Someone crossed out my name and wrote "homo." They must have thought I was someone else. It's all good, I'll just wait.

11:55 PM: I should have gotten plastic cups since everyone seems to be breaking my glass cups.

12:03 AM: These really chill dudes told me there was a hot chick in the bathroom waiting for me. Oh yeah baby, time to lose the V-card!

12:33 AM: There was no hot girl. Those guys just locked me in the bathroom for thirty minutes, those jokers! My V-card is still intact.

12:40 AM: My new friend Chris said he was getting some food from Taco Bell. I only had a 100 dollar bill so I gave it to him. He seemed really happy about it.

12:49 AM: Some dude just tried to kick me out of my own house for "being weird."

12:56 AM: There seems to be some sort of baby powder on my kitchen sink. Oh, some one left a rolled up dollar bill. I'm rich, beotch!

1:03 AM: Getting kinda hungry. I wonder what's taking Chris so long. I really need that change for rent next week.

1:08 AM: Just high-fived some dude. It was awesome!

1:17 AM: A couple of guys borrowed the keg, even though its still full. Its all good, they said they're coming back with even better beer.

1:25 AM: A girl just spilled her drink on my cool shirt and I guess she didn't notice it. I better change before anyone else makes fun of me.

1:27 AM: Someone is having sex in my bed. When I notified him that it was in fact my room he promptly slammed the door in my face. I guess we'll chat later.

1:32 AM: Has anyone seen Chris? I could really go for some T-Bell right about now.

1:39 AM: Playing this new drinking game where every time you chug a beer you get punched in the stomach. My spleen kinda hurts and I haven't even started playing yet.

1:43 AM: Fuck! My face! I thought we were playing "just the stomach?" I'm totally done with this game after next round.

1:56 AM: Oh shit! It's Becky, the girl I have a crush on from English class. Hopefully I can gain enough courage to actually talk to her without bailing out at the last second and pretending to text on my phone.

1:59 AM: I'm gonna give her that poem about her I've been working on all semester.

2:01 AM: Here we go...

2:03 AM: I guess she is not a fan of my art, but she didn't have to rip it up into a million pieces.

2:04 AM: Ugh, now she's having sex with some dude on my couch.

2:11 AM: Chris is finally back with the food. But he forgot my order and only gave me 32 cents change. Why does he have a bag of baby powder too?

2:22 AM: Someone just shot a hole through my wall. I was very clear about the "No Handguns" policy in my House Rules. If you bring one or fire one, you have to leave the party. I'm going to escort him out.

2:24 AM: I guess it was a shotgun, so he got me on a technicality.

2:35 AM: Uh oh, the cops are here. They aren't handing out tickets though, so everyone can casually walk out the front door.

2:36 AM: Or.. everyone could break my back windows to get out. Dammit.

2:38 AM: Talking to the cops.

2:40 AM: They just found three pounds of cocaine, five unregistered guns and a dead sorority girl in my bedroom. I tried to tell them that it wasn't me, but they didn't listen and just started beating me with clubs even though I was already in hand cuffs.

2:44 AM: Hopefully I don't lose my V-card in prison.

Updated 8/8/10

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