Monday, November 9, 2009

No. 82 "Being "ON."

What does it mean to be "ON"? Well, if you have to ask, you are probably very rarely "On". I'll be nice though and let you in on the awesomeness that is "On". Being On is when you are around a group of friends, girls or dancing midgets and are the center of attention and the quickest person within three city blocks. Being On includes quick one-liners, sweet anecdotes and mesmerizing witticisms. William Joel put it best when he referenced his buddy, John, at the bar who was quick with a joke or to light up your smoke.

Now, being On isn't something you can just learn and become great at. It's innate, like the way Lebron James slams a basketball or Brianna Banks sucks a dick. Don't fret, though. There are ways to improve upon your On-ness1. The first thing you must do is undergo a master cleanse of your lame, inept and otherwise worthless stories and jokes. Chuck Norris jokes? OUT. Observations about history or art? OUT. Oh, and any stories involving you stupid cat are most definitely out. To be On, one must get rid of the useless crap that bores and annoys people.

Once you finish the master cleanse, you must watch other Professional On-er2 in action. These will be your funny and quick-witted friends who have already mastered the art of the On. Basically the dudes you look up to in a totally non-gay way. You will be Red Shirting3 during these nights out, so don't butt into your sensei's stories and remember to always take notes. While taking notes it is crucial to pay close attention to how a Professional On-er ensnares the attention of the group. Rarely will they flail their hands in the air and call for attention in an aggressive manner, so never do that you monkey.

There are other ways to improve one's On-ness apart from the master cleanse and red shirting. Try alcohol. It will loosen you up and give you an undeserved sense of confidence usually reserved for people with actual social skills. Knock back four or five cold ones and then join into a conversation and test out your newly (but artificially) created On-ness. Start slow with an observation about what someone just said, also called an Add-On4. These are very simple for new-comers and don't require too much practice or skill. This way you can ease your way into a conversation of your own, an anecdote or even a clever joke. Do not attempt a Ball-Buster5 though, as you might come head to head with a Professional On-er who will make you look like a fool through verbal sparring and Heckle Proofing6. Once this happens, there is no going back from there. You might as well pay your check and leave. It is also important to note that the amount of alcohol consumed can affect your On-ness quite a bit. We want to stay between three and six alcohol beverages. If you only have a beer or two your buzz will not kick in and your undeserved sense of confidence will not come to fruition. On the flip-side if you drink more than eight drinks you will just be slurring your words and puke on that one girl that thought you were funny three drinks earlier.

Another way to improve your On-ness is to use One-Liners7 and cultural references. Sometimes these are difficult to master if you are using them around the lady-folk since girls rarely get a lot of references due to their time spent shopping. While at the local speakeasy, use movie and television references that are popular. I know the phrase "That's what she said" is a bit played out, but in certain circumstances it MUST be said (e.g., "I can't believe I fit all of that in my mouth.") While someone else has the floor, add these in to get a quick laugh or fist bump from surrounding members of your group. Please remember to stay away from any references that involve you living with your parents, Japanese animation or your large collection of porn.

Now you're at the making chicks laugh stage. A very important stage if you are looking to get laid based on your keen On-ness. (and, let's face it, we all know you're not getting laid based on your looks). We want to start off easy with the lady folk because they can get turned off quite easily. Things like making fun of them too early, telling a story that offends them or telling them about your hatred for puppies. Once you gain control of the group, tell a Latch-On Story8 after another friend concludes a story, but DO NOT be a One-Upper9. One-uppers will get called out and embarrassed before they can even get into their story. The use of sarcasm and taking shots at weird/creepy people around your location are easy, but also effective when attempting to garner a giggle from a female.

Once you have owned the conversation and believe fully that you can move on to the next level, start using the Chick-Quip10. The chick-quip is a useful tool to flirt and make fun of a girl without seeming like a douche-tard. Be careful with these, they are like the mangoes of the social interaction scene. There are some really good ones and then there's some that are absolute shit. Chick-quips carry the possibility of provoking a female to violently introduce your face to a nice glass of Merlot and that's not something you want. You just bought that sweet new cardigan.

Once you have accomplished the following steps you are ready for the Verbal-Spar11 and the ball-bust. I must warn you though: use these with caution. Definitely start with some of your slow and/or retarded buddies before you spar against a pro that is both quicker than you and has much cooler hair. All friends give each other shit while hanging out and drinking. It's just part of our nature. Girls talk shit behind each other's backs and fuck their BFF's boyfriends. Men use the ball-bust. Some easy ways to start off ball-busting is to make fun of what they are wearing. For this example, let's say a new jacket. As they are walking around with a new found sense of awesomeness and have their chest puffed out, take a shot at how their jacket looks like it should be on the set from Miami Vice. Simple, yet effective. That person just died a little inside. There are some friends you do not want to get into a verbal spar with, though. These are your friends that get offended easily and have the power to beat you into a pulp. No matter how clever and cunning you may be, it is no match for a fist. Try to verbal spar your friends that you could probably take in a fight if you really needed to. Once you rise as the champion of a verbal-sparring match, applause and high fives are customary from witnesses and bar backs.

No one can be On all the time though. For me, personally, it is nearly impossible to be On on Sundays after a weekend of heavy drinking. My head hurts, I feel like shit, I'm tired from burying the prostitute and I do not have the patience or power to be On due to these unforeseen circumstances. Just lay back and rest while others attempt and fail at being On, or allow those losers that don't drink to have their day in the sun. (No girl hooks up with a dude she just met on a Sunday anyways.) One must save their On-ness for the weekend. You can be on during class and at work, but it isn't the right atmosphere for being totally bad ass. Bosses and teachers tend to scold you if you keep interrupting other's work with your multiple Family Guy references.

So there you go, noobs, novices and neophytes. I hope that this little blog will help you become the hit of your next party, bar venture or box social. Don't be that jackass that tells lame jokes or the asshole that pushes it too far and gets his ass kicked. Play in the middle and you will soon become that friend that everyone looks up to in a totally non-gay way. I know that chicks always go for the brooding bad boy that never says anything the whole night in movies and television, but this is real life folks. Plus we all know that chicks wanted Seth more than that midget Ryan. (Yes, that was a reference to The OC.)
1 To be on. Basically being the funniest/most clever person in the area.

2 Those that have mastered the art of the On. They are very rarely Off and are always invited to awesome parties based on their On-Ness.

3 When you are the protégé to a Professional On-er. Do not speak when in their presence. Observe. Take better notes than you ever did in college.

4 To add a joke/sarcastic comment to a story already in progress. Must be quick and tame. Like a ninja hamster.

5 One who busts another's balls in a non-literal sense. See also: Giving people shit.

6 Being able to rebut another's ball busting advances with quick counter busting and jokes made about the other's lack of female attention or deceased father.

7 Much like the add on, but usually more formulaic.

8 Using another's story as a means to tell a story or anecdote of your own. Some people call that a "segway", but I don't see how those retarded scooters have anything to do with telling stories.

9 Being a giant douche with a small penis.

10 Making fun of an attractive member of the opposite sex using humor, flirting and sarcasm.

11 Going head-to-head with another Professional On-er. Usually a crowd gathers mid-spar.

Edited by Rafael Casillas

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