No. 80 "How To Spot A Slut."

Ah, sluts. If it weren't for these self-esteem lacking young ladies, college wouldn't be as fun and porn scenarios would just be a plumper fixing the sink and leaving while the busty woman sat and watched TV. Boring! Thank God for sluts. But therein lies the problem. How do you tell if a girl is a slut and not A) An attention whore who just enjoys making out a lot and pushing your hands away from her boobs. Or B) A nice girl with morals. Well, I am here to help you gentlemen. (Sorry ladies, you already know how to spot a slut by looking in the mirror.*) And we're off...

Clothing:
Well, if she is wearing a long-sleeved muted color shirt and a skirt that goes down past her ankles, she probably will not be blowing you in a port-o-potty anytime soon. Sluts generally wear tight fitting clothing to show off their store-bought boobies and size 0 waist that they spent all summer purging for working out to attain. Writing on the back side of shorts is also a way to spot a slut. It doesn't matter if it says Juicy or a bible verse. They are in fact a slut. Showing of cleavage, thongs, and fallopian tubes is also a strong sign of sluttyness. And the quickest way to figure out if this lovely lady is a tramp is to ask her to flash you while surrounded by a large party. Top off, party on.

Hates Her Dad:
"Heartless bastard," "fucking asshole," and "prick" are a good start. If a girl has a deplorable relationship with her father she most definitely wants to get back at him by acting like a drunk slut. Or even a sober slut, if alcohol is not available. She will most likely say that she is nothing like him and talk about how much of a bitch her step mom is**. That's where you come in. Ask what her old man hated the most, and then slyly let her know that you love that. So if her pops hated long hair and heavy metal, start dressing up like Slash. Next thing you know you'll be banging her with a top hat on. Rock n' Roll! This also works with the opposite. Many lady folk who hate their dads end up dating, but more importantly boning, guys just like him. Either route you take will be successful.

Tongue Ring:
Remember when those were cool? Me neither. Apparently there are still some chicks out there that think its cool and sexy. Since tongue rings are no longer popular, it is important to pounce on a chick that still has one. She's basically saying "I know its not 1998 anymore, but I really want guys to know I have absolutely no problem slobbering all over their disco stick." I learned in a class I took a number of years ago, in a location I cannot recall that people that like to have things in their mouth, or chew on things (ouch!) have an oral fixation. Put two and two together and you (and by you, I mean your penis) could be her new oral fixation. High five! No? Low five? Yeah!

Black Hair Underneath Blonde Hair:
Nothing says, "I probably have multiple STDs and/or criminal convictions" quite like that trashy hair style. I'm not sure why these women think this look is attractive, but it makes them more noticeable from afar. Females will these types of hairstyles are prone to cat fights, calling other girls who did nothing wrong "bitches," and raiding your liquor cabinet. This hair style is usually combined with clown-like make up and raccoon eyes. You must watch out, though. Some locations such as Riverside, CA and Glendale, AZ can occupy up to 70% of the female population with this hair style. Oh, wait... they're all sluts. Winner winner, pussy dinner.

Tramp Stamp:
This is most common among sexual enthusiasts. For some reason, it is "cool" in certain slut communities to have a tattoo above your asshole that they cannot be see unless two mirrors are angled just righ. Luckily for the dude folk, this is one of the easiest ways to pick out a slut from a well-adjusted individual with self confidence. There are many different tramp stamps. You have the Chinese Word That Means An Adjective Tattoo, the Butterfly/Heart/Tribal Tattoo, and of course the tattoo that just says Tramp***. Many of these women will tell you the long-winded story behind the tattoo. Take this time to stare at her boobs.

Its All In The Name:
Did you know that when parents name their children a specific name or spell it a certain way, God punishes them for the misspelling and makes their daughter a raging hoe-bag? Well it is definitely true. Just think about it. How many Bobbis do you know that work for non-profit organizations? How many nuns do you know named Nikki? Maybe three. And those girls with slutty and misspelled names such as Aeryn or Jaquelynn are not only slutty, but also really, really dumb. Although, if you name your daughter Bertha or Louise you will not have to worry about her being a slut since she will be too fat for anyone to fuck.

Other ways to Spot-A-Slut:
-Lip liner (she's probably into butt sex too since her lips look like an anus.)
-She has been in two or more hip hop music videos.
-Hates cuddling.
-Is a pornographic actress.
-Twenty-five earrings in one fucking ear.
-She's your ex-girlfriend. (Fucking bitch)
-She's black. (I'm talking about her heart, not her skin color. Calm down.)

So there we go fellas. Now you know eight ways to figure out if a woman is a slut, and how to stay away from those kindhearted, genuine and intelligent ladies that make you actually get to know them prior to fornication. I hope these tips help you in your future endeavors, and remember to always wear a condom when dealing with these species. But if you don't have one or really hate them, its all good -- just pull out.

*I'm gonna pay for that one.
**Try not to fall asleep while she's yammering.
***These women are usually very uncreative and are just trying to get to the point.