Thursday, October 29, 2009

No. 79 "Occupational Misconceptions."

It seems like we, as men, have been tricked into thinking that women with certain jobs/careers are inherently hot. When we hear the occupation: nurse, stewardess or librarian we tend to assume they are hot, only to be disappointed when we see a ragamuffin occupying the position of someone who should be hot. Well, I am here to put this misconception to rest.

As soon as the term "flight attendant" was invented, all the hot young stewardess disappeared and became strippers outside of airports. Their uniforms that were once tight and skanky have been replaced with conservative and plain attire that leaves everything to the imagination. I haven't seen an attractive stewardess on a plane in years. They all look like librarians with butch haircuts. Airlines also allowed men to be Stuarts, (I will not call them flight attendants because they deserve to be mocked) and thus cut the amount of hot stewardesses in half, which means my dream of being in the Mile High Club is almost impossible now.

Back in the day, hot nurses were all the rage. That is probably why so many people wanted to be doctors. You make a shit-ton of money and get to bang a hot nurse on the operating table while your patient is comatose. Those nurses of yore have been replaced with fat, mean nurses that yell at me for playing with the doctor's toys instruments. I just feel bad for the doctors that spent all that time and money going to med school to find out that the hottie nurses were all gone and they have to settle for hospital receptionists instead. Don't believe me? You remember your school nurse in grade school? Case dismissed.


Don't get me wrong, there are some hot teachers. I personally am for decriminalizing statutory rape if the teacher is hot*. The student she bones should also get straight A's for being awesome. But, since they are cracking down on teacher-student hookups, (one of the main reasons I did not pursue a degree in education) all the slutty teachers are dwindling and there are only so many left. Now we're stuck with average looking teachers that only care about students learning and other bullshit of that short. Its a shame, really.

Contrary to popular belief, most "MILFS" are not our friends' moms, but actually pornographic actresses that do not have children due to their male counterparts pulling out and "expressing themselves" on their faces. Most moms are actually quite frumpy and don't take proper care of their nether regions. Once they pop out a couple kids and "forget" to go the the gym their physique starts to diminish. Moms are older too and their once perky boobs have been sucked dry by the thirsty/selfish children they have raised. (You)

Sure, they've got handcuffs, which can come in handy if things go well, (intercourse) but the majority of lady cops are unbonable. I'm not sure which female officer of the law this Lil' Wayne character is referring to in his popular song "Mrs. Officer," but I have yet to see a hot cop that wasn't being portrayed by a model/actress in a television show. They have their hair up, can't wear makeup, and are really, really mean. I am not in the mood to be hitting on someone after they give me a ticket for public indecency***, its just not my style.


I don't know about you, but I am not a fan of being shushed while I covertly masturbate to internet porn at the local library, it ruins the mood for me. The whole glasses and bookworm thing isn't my style either, get contacts you nerds. Librarians sit around all day so they can't be in great shape and they always like to talk about reading, which is one of my least favorite subjects. And lest we not forget the fact that most librarians are retirees that enjoy bossing people around and yelling at children. When was the last time you saw a librarian younger than fifty?

Here is short list of professions where all the females are hot, so spend more time talking/looking from afar with them:

-Models with big juggs
-Lingerie models
-Nudie models
-Runway models
-Golf cart beer girls

So there you have it. I have successfully proven that just because you have a certain job does not make you hot, and in certain situations, (bitchy librarians) none are hot. Next time you hear one of your dumb buddies bragging about banging a nurse, just remember that she was probably overweight and had a visible mustache. For those of you that currently occupy these jobs, try to spice it up a bit and have sex with one of your 3rd graders.

*If she is unattractive/fat then she should get life in prison.
**Not a real profession since an income in not allotted and most of their time is spent watching daytime dramas.
***Charges dropped due to insufficient evidence.

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