Tuesday, October 6, 2009

No. 72 "Promasturbation."

Alright, OK, lets do this. Test tomorrow and I have to get a good grade. I've got my textbook that I just bought today, despite being enrolled in the class for over two months. I have three two pages of notes, most of which is doodles of boobs and sharks with sunglasses. It's all good though, because I have my textbook now. Lets see... the test is over only four chapters, that shouldn't be too hard, probably only like forty pages, I can read forty pages no problem.

What the fuck? Two hundred and thirty-nine pages!? OK, that's not too bad, its like reading three Maxim's, without the scantily clad women. Speaking of which, I think the newest issue is out, I'll just go check the mail. No. I have to study.

Before I study though, I should have a little fun, let off a 'lil steam. Just to get it out of my system so I don't procrastinate. I'll play a little XBOX, but... I'll play Call of Duty which is an educational game since it's about WWII, and so is my test, I think. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. Die Nazi Zombies! Die!

Perfect. I had my fun and I learned a little about WWII. Nazi Zombies are hard to kill and grenades don't do the trick. I wonder if that will be a question on the exam? Now I'll just sit down, skim through the book and pay attention to the words in bold. Those are the only important ones anyways. I'll just memorize the bold words and be fine. Those other words are useless anyway. Let's just find myself a comfortable chair and enjoy some nice quiet reading on a Thursday night.

Three pages in and I have
already memorized five important bold terms, I'm gonna fuck this test in the ass! Hell yeah! I deserve a break for doing so well. Sportscenter it is.

Wow, I didn't realize it was a ninety minute episode, but it's all good. Back to studying. I better check out that study guide Professor Iforgothisname gave out to everyone. Ugh, six pages, on both sides? This dude doesn't fuck around. Its not problem though, I'm smart, I got like a 1080 on the SAT and I was hungover when I took it. Nobody in the testing area seemed impressed though. Where was I? Oh yeah, time to go over the study guide. None of the bold words are in the study guide. I think I might strangle this professor, that is just cruel.

Well, maybe I don't need to read all the assigned chapters, it's mostly fluff anyway. I'll just use the study guide and book as a reference. I should have done this in the first place. Shit, none of the study guide questions are in the text. Did I even get the right book? Oh, this is a Maxim, whoops. Fuck the book, I'll just use the internet machine to find all the answers. It has served me well for my masturbatory needs and should help me out with this gay ass study guide.

Internet up and I'm ready to go. I'll just check my Facebook real quick. Damn, that hot chick still hasn't responded to my friend request. She probably just got caught up looking at my awesome pictures and reading my hilarious, yet ironic "About Me," and forgot to hit "Accept." It's all good though, I'll just send her a message saying "What up" and end with a winkey smiley face. Bitches eat that shit up.

Back to what I was suppose to do, look over my Facebook. Oh, John's having a "killer bad-ass kegger" tonight. That sounds bad-ass and killer, maybe I should stop by and say hello. OK, I will, but I have to do at least half of the study guide and be back before midnight. That will give me incentive to get this study guide done. High five, self!

Question number one, prepare to die at the hands of my friend Wikipedia. I wonder what college kids did before Wikipedia? Probably had to check out those rectangular things with words at that place where they hide the books. Shit, forgot what that's called.

Damn, Wikipedia doesn't know the answer. Maybe if I type the exact question into Google it will have an answer for me. Better yet, I bet some smart nerd created a website with all the answers to the questions on the study guide because he was bored and not busy getting laid.

I guess I was wrong before. No one seems to know what Europe's ethnography before 1500 had to do with the industrial revolution. I better look up what ethnography means first before I prepare an answer.

It is a methodological strategy used to provide descriptions of human societies, which as a methodology does not prescribe any particular method (e.g. observation, interview, questionnaire), but instead prescribes the nature of the study.


I'll just skip that one. I'm pretty sure even the professor doesn't know the answer to that one. It was probably just a joke. That silly fuck. I'll go through the short questions and then come back to these stupid long ones that hurt my head.

What is the capitol of Denmark?
Pfft... easy, Amsterdam.

When was the War of 1812?
Trick question, there never was a War of 1812, dumb ass.

This shit is easy, I don't even need to use my book or computer. I'm just a smart mother fucker.

Look at that, half way done with the study guide. Now its time to party. I'll have a beer or two, talk to some attractive females, and then come back in time to finish this study guide and get a full night's rest. This whole college thing is fucking easy.

Back from the party. Woo! That was fun. Drank more than I planned to, and ran over a manikin or something on my way home, but it's all good. I almost got some chick's number after I did that super sweet keg stand, but she left quickly after I barfed on in her purse. Her loss. What time is it? 3:30? Shit. Better get back to studying. Now that I don't have any distractions I can study in peace.

Before I get back to studying I should probably check Facebook again and see if that hot chick accepted my friend request. God dammit. What is wrong with this hoe? You know what? I'm gonna write her a message and tell her to fuck off. Yeah, that'll get her to notice me. Message sent. Back to stud-- whoa... a Youtube video of someone popping the world's biggest zit. Studying can wait, I gotta see this.

Holy shit, that was gross, why the hell did I watch that for ten minutes? Fuck you, Youtube. I need to finish this study guide, the test is in five hours. These questions seem more difficult to read than before, I can't figure out why. I'll just sound out the words. Back to the internet to solve my study guide woes. Google, time to help me out, homie.

List the ways Abigail Adams helped America gain independence.
Who the fuck is Abigail Adams? She sounds like a porn star. I wonder if this is another joke question from the professor. I'll search "Abigail Adams porn star" and see what comes up.

Nope, she was some president's wife. Damn, that would have been a fun question. I'll just skip that one for now and go on the the next one. That one sucks too, I'll skip that one. Shit, all these questions suck, why am I in this class? I wonder if anything will come up if I Google myself.


Lets see... my Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, arrest report? Shit. That's public? I hope my mom never googles me. That came out wrong, I think I might still be drunk.

You know what? I can't study when I'm still drunk. I'll just take a quick power nap, finish this study guide and then buttfuck this test. (No homo.) That's all I need, just a little shut eye. You can't take a test if you are too tired, this is a grand idea.

Ah! What a great power nap. I feel more powerful because of it, maybe that's where it got it's name. Now time to finish this study guide. Let me just check the time and I'll be on my way to academic success. 8:30!? Shit. Fuck. Cunt. The test is in thirty minutes. OK. OK. OK. Calm down, I'll just study quicker.

Fuck it, I'll just email the professor, tell him my grandma died and make up the test next week. Sorry grandma, I gotta kill some Nazi Zombies.

Updated 7/20/10

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