Wednesday, October 21, 2009

No. 77 "Career Skills."

To whom is may concern:

I have been forced asked by the welfare board to submit my job skills to your enterprise in order to attain a job/career that best suits my skills in the workplace. I am confident that my many areas of expertise will help you connect me with a promising career of awesomeness that I can excel in and make the world a better place. Bellow are a list of possible jobs I would be perfect at. As you can see, I have a lot of experience and various trades that can easily translate into a financially stable career.

Facebook Status Commenter:

I've already perfected this craft through years of writing snide and crude comments on my friends' new statusi statuses. I have five years of Facebook status commenting experience, and if you contact any of my personal references you will come to learn that I have not only annoyed but entirely ruined friendships through vigorous sarcastic and rude comments on people's statuses.

Boob Feeler:
I have been a breast connoisseur since the mid-90's and when I am not studying breasts on the internet or television I like to use my boob feeling skills in the field. I, myself have felt over three pairs of breasts of all sizes and qualities and am confident that my combination of squeezing and playing with the breasts at hand will translate in the workplace. I also do asses.

Douche Bag Puncher:
This type of job wouldn't involve any supervision or salary. I could work strictly on tips from clients. Basically, I would arrive at a large city with a high density of douche bags (such as the Jersey Shore) and set up shop in a popular hangout. I would then put up ads for an Ed Hardy sale to lure them in. Once the douche bags flock in, I will trap them and punch them one by one and collect money from their Louis Vuitton wallets.

Halogen Light Breaker:

My skills at breaking shit objects is one of my proudest. Since I was a child I have always enjoyed destroying objects that break into tiny little pieces. Halogen lights are perfect because they look like swords, (which are awesome) and they turn into dust once they are broken. I can work long hours doing this job and am willing to do overtime if the quantity of halogen lights is large.

Hand Rail Slider:
Sliding down hand rails has been a passion of mine for many years. I prefer to slide over walking down stairs and feel that my experience in this activity are second to none. I can slide both regular and goofy stance and have no problem taking on rails of large lengths. Nylon pants will need to be provided by the employer and I will not attempt rails that curb upwards at the end due to groin injuries in the past.

Annoying Child Silencer:
I have a variety of different ways to "silence" a child that do not include homicide. Since I am bigger, stronger and almost always smarter than children, I can overpower them and force them to be quiet in public places. It is important for one to love their job and nothing makes me happier than to see the frown on a child's face. Rope, duct tape and a taser must be provided if astute work is to be done.

Trivia Competitor:
This is probably my best skill. (save boob feeler) I have attended numerous chain restaurant/bars with devises for trivia of all sorts. My formidable skills are in movies, sports and music. Science and history are not my strong suit and mathematics is a trivia subject I refuse to compete in due to the fact that its super lame. If the job requires me to drink copious amounts of alcohol before/during competitions, I am willing and able.

Professional Napper:
I perfected the art of the nap long ago when I was a baby. I would just cry a bunch, throw bowls of cereal at my mother and then pass out while the bitch my mom cleaned it up. Nowadays its very similar. I go out and drink heavily with friends while making rash and sometimes life-changing decisions, then I pass out and my mom cleans it all up. (The puke that is.) My personal favorite nap is the mid-afternoon after-masturbation nap, but I am willing to nap whenever, wherever. (As long as a blanket and pillow are provided)

Wet T-shirt Contest Judge:

This goes back to my skills in boob-feeling. Although I may not need to feel the contestants breasts, (but am willing to, if needed) I have very good eyesight and can rate a pair of juggs from a 1 to a 10 without much trouble. Beads and drunk sluts will be need to be supplied by a third party, as well as a hose with a source of water. Other jobs in this field I could translate my skills towards: foxy boxing referee, jello wrestling instructor and champagne sprayer of big-booty hoes on large boats.

I, personally do not know how to translate my multiple job skills into an income, but since it is your job to do that, I will be expecting many job offers within the next 3-5 days. It should be known that I am unable to work mornings or weekends because of religious circumstances. (Alcoholism) I am willing to travel and can provide my own sword and/or cape if needed.


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