Thursday, October 15, 2009

No. 75 "Ways To Be Hotter (For Chicks)."

Good afternoon lady folk, I am glad you came here today to learn how to be hotter. Now I'm sure most of you are beautiful in your own right, (great personality) but could use some tips to boost your value so as to attain rich men with luxury cars and platinum credit cards. Well, I am here to help. As a man* I can give you some beneficial advice on how to become more attractive to your male counterparts. Now I know you have short attention spans, but try to give this five minutes.

If you are not at least a 7 to begin with, none of these awesome tips will be helpful because you will just gross everyone out and look like a fool. Just stop reading, eat a jar of marshmallow cream and cry yourself to sleep. :)

Side Boob:
The best part of the breast really. Showing more side boob will most definitely make men pay more attention to you. (or at least your boobs) I know that it is hard to find outfits that show side boob without revealing the whole thing, but be creative. Take your favorite dress and carefully cut two holes on each side to show a little something-something and thus become 15% hotter. Double sided tape may be needed to pull this off, but I'm sure you're a trooper.

Sexy Outfits:
Now I know you're saying to yourself "I have plenty of sexy outfits I wear all the time!" Please stop yelling. I'm sure you do, but the sexy outfits I'm talking about are the ones you only wear once a year. That's right, your slutty Halloween costumes. Every now and then wear a nurse uniform or a tight race car driver outfit to spice things up and call attention to yourself. So what if people tell you it is inappropriate for a wake. Your cousin Jimmy is making googly eyes at you and he just got all of grandma's money. Ca-ching!

It's OK if you're not from another country or the south, just fake it. (you girls are good at that) When you meet a guy, just start talking in an British accent and use dialectic words like "mate," "cheers," and "wanker." You'll have the attention of every man in the room. If this turns into a serious thing, you may have to slyly lose the accent unless you want to talk that way for the rest of your life. Don't worry, guys probably won't notice because we never pay attention anyways. (Right?!)

Be A Sister/Best Friend To A Girl With A Boyfriend:
This one is easy. Every guy wants to bang his girlfriend's best friend or sister, (or both at the same time, high five!) and this makes you more attractive simply by being there. Its easy, everyone wants what they can't have. Just make sure to casually flirt with him and send him cute text messages so he knows what's up. Next thing you know you'll be getting railed by your soon-to-be ex-best friend's boyfriend and you got yourself a new man. Side effects include: being called a "dumb slut" and hair pulling.

Watch Sports:
"But I don't like sports! I like fashion and Gossip Girl!" What did I tell you about yelling? Anyway, you don't actually have to like sports. Just watch some football with a couple of your dude friends and cheer every 2-5 minutes, even if its just a commercial. Guys will love this and say things such as "Becky is cool as shit. She likes football and shit." Another tip to top it off: Wear eye black. (the stuff football players wear under their eyes) Its pseudo-gay that guys like this, myself included, but it is hot as shit on a chick for a reason the universe will never understand.

Drink Beer:
90% of Fortune 500 executives meet their future wives while playing beer pong***. How are you supposed to link up with a successful businessman if you don't drink beer? So what if beer has a lot of calories, just drink enough of it so you throw up. Problem solved. Guys love chicks that drink beer, it makes them awesome in a way that cannot be explained or described. Cranberry vodkas and Cosmos are cool and all, (no they aren't) but if you want to make an impression and gain hot/cool points, you best drink yourself some brewhaha.

This might just be a personal preference of mine, but pigtails are fucking hot! It looks sexy on a girl and can be used for other activities if you play your cards right. Pigtails may not be suitable for a cocktail party, but if you're just hanging out and want to look super sexy, pigtail that shit up. Also, porn star hair is another favorite of most men. I have no idea what its actual name is, (I'm sure you do though) but I know it takes a lot of time and effort to do. Even if you're an ugo, I'll give you a high five for sweet hair and effort.

Talk Less:
Just kidding. We men love when you talk about how everyone at work is dumber than you, the new Sex & The City movie, and your super cute new shoes. We eat that shit up.

That wasn't so bad was it? Now you will gain even more attention from the opposite sex and be described as "hot as fuck" by males all over. I hope my tips help you attract a financially stable guy or least a dude with a job. Just remember to show side boob, wear nurses outfits, work on a sexy accent, make a friend with a boyfriend, watch football, drink brews, rock pigtails and talk less about dumb shit. Easy, right?

*Being a man does not include: changing a tire, fixing appliances or holdling a job. It just means I am over the age of 18.
**Warning: Do not attempt to use a Boston/New Jersey accent, as it will annoy the fuck out of everyone in the room.
***Based on a study I made up.

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