7:14 PM: Time to start the night off right with a shower beer. It'll be just like Freshmen year, except no RA's yelling at me and calling my parents.
7:33 PM: I forgot how much soapy water got into my shower beer back in the day. Scratch that idea for next time. Now I'll have a crisp, refreshing, non-soapy beer while I get ready and make my hair look awesome.
7:49 PM: I know it's called Drinking and Driving, but I'm not drunk yet, so I'll be fine to drive while I enjoy a cold brew. I'll just pretend its Sarsaparilla.
7:55 PM: Well, the cop didn't believe it was Sarsaparilla and tried to take me to jail. Luckily a beer works as both a delicious beverage and a make-shift weapon. I dragged his lifeless body to the side of the road though, so as to not create a road hazard.
8:01 PM: At my buddies place and ready to rage! He's not here yet, nor is anyone else, so I'll just make myself a mixed drink with whatever is in his fridge.
8:04 PM: Gin and milk is not my new favorite drink.
8:09 PM: Not buzzing quite yet, and kinda bored. I think I'll just play with his dogs while I wait for everyone to get here.
8:11 PM: Fuck, they ran away. I'll just pretend I never saw the dogs -- better yet, say I never knew he had dogs in the first place. Genius.
8:24 PM: Finally Jimmy and the crew got home. I don't know why they keep joking around about not inviting me and forbidding me from their house. Those guys...
8:25 PM: Jimmy has just realized that his dogs are missing. I better hide.
8:27 PM: Bathroom, perfect. I could really use a drink, though. Hmm... mouthwash?
8:33 PM: Jimmy has calmed down because his dogs came back home. Whew... that was close. Now I'll slyly "borrow" a couple beers from them and converse.
8:55 PM: Just drank five beers without anyone noticing. I should be a secret agent.
8:57 PM: They found out I drank their beers and now want me to reparate them in a monetary fashion. I'll just give them an empty Starbucks gift card.
9:12 PM: People are starting to flock in, and my Starbucks gift card has given me the ability to drink their beer without having to do it covertly. A group of scantily clad women are playing a drinking game, I must join.
9:23 PM: Alright, they don't appreciate dead baby jokes, especially that one chick that brought her baby. Who brings a baby to a party, seriously? Shots? Shots!
9:40 PM: No one wanted to do shots with me because they were too pussy or something. Oh, and it turns out that I mistook that chick's baby for a midget. He still doesn't find dead baby jokes funny though.
9:51 PM: Beer pong!!!!!!!!!!!
9:52 PM: My partner is kind of pissed off at me for losing the game by accidentally knocking over all of our cups while showing off my sweet karate skills to some lady folk. They pretended like they weren't impressed, but I know the truth.
9:55 PM: I love this song! I'm gonna blast it.
9:57 PM: My stereo privileges have been taken away.
10:03 PM: More shots! What is this? Vodka? Who cares, I don't got shit to do tomorrow.
10:06 PM: Riding Jimmy's dog like a horse. Ye haw!
10:09 PM: Just got yelled at by some girl for opening the bathroom door while she was taking a shit. And yes I do know how to knock, I just forgot. Jeez.
10:22 PM: Time to hit on some chicas. I'm a wee bit drunk, but I can pull it off.
10:32 PM: I just talked to this girl for ten minutes and have no idea what she said or what her name is. I only know what she looks like -- oh shit she turned around, I forgot which one was her.
10:44 PM: OK, no numbers, but I did make this one girl laugh when I slipped on the kitchen floor and hit my head. I think I might have a concussion.
10:46 PM: More shots!
10:56 PM: I should probably take a little power nap so I don't get too wasted and act like a fool. This bed looks comfy.
10:57 PM: Shit, someone's in that bed with a girl and they do mind if I take a nap there. I'll try the next room.
12:34 AM: Whoops, that was a bit more than a power nap. Whoa, look at the time -- 1, 2, 3, 4. I must be the first person to ever notice that. Its all good though, I am back in partying shape!
12:50 AM: Went to grab myself a beer and everyone thought I left. I don't know why they acted so disappointed when they saw me again. Probably another joke.
1:02 AM: Did someone say beer bong!?
1:07 AM: How come no one wants to do a beer bong while I hold it?
1:10 AM: Fine. I'll do it. Just one though, I don't want to get too drunk. Why are you pouring a bottle of whiskey into the funnel..?
1:28 AM: I AM THE BEST DANCER IN THE WORLD!
1:37 AM: Fuck it, I guess I'll shotgun a beer to spice things up for this party.
1:38 AM: Sorry lady, I didn't mean to spray Keystone Light all over your cocktail dress. Maybe you shouldn't have stood so close to me.
1:45 AM: What? There's a pool here? Sa-weet!
1:51 AM: Hey everyone! Watch me jump into the pool from the roof!
1:53 AM: Maybe not the best idea. Which way is my left foot supposed to point?
1:59 AM: A shot of Everclear should make this pain go away. Fuck it. Make it two.
2:12 AM: hdlwh dlHLf fhk klfhew;qw nwd90k!
2:20 AM: Right now would be an opportune time to text my ex-girlfriend and tell her I still love her.
2:34 AM: Everyone's leaving and my head and foot still hurt. This might be my last chance to run some game at chicks. Better hurry.
2:35 AM: Running with a probable broken foot is NO FUN AT ALL.
2:39 AM: They skedaddled into their cars and sped away. Definitely lezbooooos!
2:48 AM: Have you ever noticed how weird your hand is if you look at if for a while?
2:56 AM: There's just a few of us left, but I know how to get this party rolling again. I'm gonna down that bottle of Captain Morgan to impress everyone. I bet they give me a round of applause.
2:58 AM: Gotta barf! I don't want anyone to make fun of me so I'll casually announce that I'm going to the men's restroom.
3:00 AM: ARGGGGGGGG! BLAGGGGG! (Barf noises)
3:12 AM: Feel much better. Who wants to wrestle?
3:33 AM: Just got thrown threw a window.
3:35 AM: No one is helping me and I can't get up. No worries, I'll just pass out here on the ground covered in glass and shame.
3:37 AM: Zzzzzzzzz
11:28 AM: What the fuck happened last night and why are there penises drawn all over me?