I want to go to a battered woman's shelter and show up with a baseball bat just to see their reaction. Then, I will invite them to join in on a friendly game of baseball where we can all forget about our worries. After which I will beat them with a baseball bat.
Remember when nautical star tattoos were cool? Yeah, me neither.
There is something emasculating about letting someone pass you on the right when you are driving on the highway. Even if I'm going much slower than the posted speed limit and the car has every right to pass me I still feel the need to speed up and not allow him to do so. Who's the pussy now, bitch!?
After several years and various attempts I have found that it is impossible to look cool while holding a purse if you are a male. Whenever a chick (or my mom) gives me her purse to hold on to while they do their make up or jack of a midget I try to find a way to hold it without looking like a gay. Under the shoulder? Faggy. Extended away from my torso? Homoey. On my head? Just retarded. I guess the only cool way to hold a purse is to steal one from a woman on the street, but I still think they are a little bit self conscious while running away with it.
It is nearly impossible to pick up chicks at a candlelight vigil.
AIM screen names with one's boyfriend/girlfriend in the title are basically the name tattoos for teenagers. It must suck for Jakesgirl34 to have to change her screen name to Jakesacheatingjerk34 once Jake bangs her sister. That's what you get for not putting out, bitch.
Reason #45,028 why I am immature: I consider "older chicks" to be women my age.
Whenever I forget to turn up the volume on my cell phone alarm clock or program it to PM instead of AM, I instantly get angry at the phone. I throw it and curse at my phone while I'm burning it alive as if my phone has some sort of vendetta against me.
There is no way to use the word exfoliate and sound straight.
I love it when my mom tries to trick me into thinking I like a certain food. "Mom, what the fuck? Why did you put mushrooms in this?" "Honey, you love mushrooms, I should know, I'm your mother." I'm not sure if my mom is getting senile or she's just a flat out liar. I hate mushrooms, I've created several Facebook groups professing my hatred for the vegetable. Nice try Mom, you fucking liar.