Is there an noun that comes after "raging" that is positive?
Whenever me and a group of people order food at a drive-thru I have to be the first person to go through the bag and find my items, while doing this I always slyly steal a couple fries while no one is looking.
Why do people on boats always have to waive to onlookers? You're not in a parade, retards.
Spraying your armpits with cologne when you're out of deodorant is never an effective replacement for the real thing.
You know you're unemployed when you have to Google the date.
It is impossible to win an argument with your dad if you don't have a job. You could be arguing about the color of the sky and somehow he will still find a way to bring up the fact that you "don't have a fucking job!"
"Trying to get back in shape" and "getting back in shape" are two completely different things.
I like to change my status on Facebook to something like "going to the gym for a couple hours" just so people think I'm exercising. Even though I'm usually just napping during this period.
Has anyone ever complained about too much shrimp in their pasta?
There are certain food items that do not work with the "5 second rule." Some of them include: ice cream, salsa, cottage cheese, and pretty much anything that comes in a bowl. Once it's hit the floor, just have your dog lick it up (Their food ruling standards are a bit more lenient.)
When entering my confirm your email part of an online form I always copy and paste the first one I wrote because I'm too lazy to type twelve letters again.
Whenever I eat a Payday candy bar I wonder to myself, "This would be so much better if it were covered in chocolate."
You know you're gonna have a crazy night when you set your alarm for PM the next day.
Whenever I lie about running errands to sound busy even thought I'm just sitting at home watching TV I have to include "going to the bank." This makes people assume I'm always depositing large sums of money into my bank account.
Every guy will say "My hand is too slippery" when he really means "I'm too weak" when opening jars.
Vomiting into an ice maker is the gift that keeps on giving.
Just once I want to walk into a room and have a 90's audience do that "OoOo" and scream cat calls at me.
Most uncomfortable moment of my week: watching a Vagasil commercial while sitting next to my mother in total silence.