Sunday, August 30, 2009

No. 63 "The Angel Prank."

I'm trying something new this week. Instead of writing an article about being a misogynistic asshole, tongue in cheek of course, I've decided to tell a short story about a prank I pulled a while back. If all you idiots like it I will write some more in the future. And here it goes...

It was the fall of 2005. I was a sophomore in college and immature as ever, with the acne to prove it. This was during my obsessive-compulsive stage of being addicted to Myspace. (Which, thanks to modern medicine and years of therapy I have moved past.) While I was bored one day, me and my friend Easton decided to create a fake Myspace account of a super hot girl that just moved to Tempe and went to ASU.

Since I had more time on my hands, I took the liberty of creating the fake profile. After about three hours of searching through pictures of hot girls on Myspace and masturbating I had finally found the girl whose identity I was going to "borrow." From what I can remember she lived in Massachusetts or some lame state that I've never been to.

Now it was time to give this fox a name. It took almost seven minutes, but I ended up deciding with the name Angel. I don't know why I came up with that name, perhaps its because I'm the devil.

Once I created a fake profile for my new project, I added a handful of pictures with flirty subtitles like "my boobs look small in this pic, hehe" and waited for the douche bags to flock with friend requests. I was more excited than a bro at a Mountain Dew festival.

The next day I awoke like it was Christmas morning, excited to see how many new "friends" I had made. 125 new friend requests and 50 new messages. This is going to be fucking fun. The messages ranged from your usual "Hey what's up?," to compliments on Angel's physique to their skills in the fine art of cunnilingus. Being a dude, its funny as fuck hearing people hit on a fake chick and spend time out of their day thinking of what to say to this attractive female, unknowingly sending it to a 19 year old punk kid.

Within a week Angel had almost 500 friends. Messages and comments were overflowing. My buddy Easton decided to have a little more fun and respond to the messages. Send something nice right? Fuck no. He would question their sexuality and send them racist replies. The responses were amazing. The same guys that spent time finding Angel and writing her a message told "her" off, which included the regular array of insults, (slut, bitch, cunt.) you know, the usual.

After two weeks, Angel had over 1200 friends and it was almost impossible to keep up with the hurricane of douche baggery coming at us. It must be hard to be a hot chick, well other than the free drinks and having everyone do what you ask. As fun as it was punking random dudes with tribal tattoos, it was now time to prank my friends.

I would send some of my buddies friend requests and immediately they would respond. Easton and I just put out the bait and reeled them in. Making many of my friends think they were going to hook up with a hot chick. One of my friends, who will remain nameless, showed me her profile and bragged about how he was going to hang out with her during the upcoming weekend. And yes, it was hard to hold a straight face through all of this. We would then stop messaging them, to which they would freak out and send messages such as: "Why didn't you message me back? What's wrong? I thought we were going to hang out?" Like shooting fish in a fucking barrel.

Next, we decided to take it a little further and really fuck with one of our friends, Jason. At this point we were closing in on 2000 friends and we thought it would be a "good idea" to post Angel's phone number on a bulletin telling guys she was bored and wanted to hang out. Oh, and Angel's phone number was really Jason's. That day Jason's phone would not stop ringing. "No, this isn't Angel! Who the fuck is Angel?" "How did you get this number?" "Dude, stop yelling. I don't know where Angel is." Jason was almost as pissed as he was confused. Easton was at Jason's house while all this was happening, trying not crack up. He and his girlfriend pretended to be getting phone calls from guys too, so it seemed more legit and eliminated them from being suspects (I'm a genius, I know.) As soon as Jason left the room, Easton hit me up letting me know our prank freaked Jason out and we preformed a verbal high five.

Later that day, Jason sent me a message on my personal Myspace and it seemed as if he was onto us. But luckily I am a fantastic liar and convinced him he was incorrect. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 15, 2005 7:34 PM

dude i know you created that angel girls profile and you and rocky are fucking with me and easton and michelle, so fess up BIOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 15, 2005 8:18 PM

what the fuck are u talking about?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 7:50 AM

dude this supposed angel, gave out my phone number to like 2000-some guys and every fucking one of them called or texted me asking for her. ill tell you more later this is a long ass story

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:48 AM

dude thats insane, but i dont know angel, other than the fact that rocky is friends with her

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:52 AM

eastons gettin messages from wierd girls on here and on his phone, hes gotten a couple calls and so has michelle. easton even got this friend request from some random girl and what she was sayin was exactly wut angel said to me except worded a lil diff. this is some wierd shit dude

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:53 AM

thats fucking weird, i havent gotten any calls or shit yet, but idunno its some weird ass shit


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 10:13 AM

yea, im still gettin calls from guys! and it just seems like something you and rocky would come up wit.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 11:46 AM

haha wow thats insane, but im pretty sure that angel girl is real, rocky showed me a pic of him and her from like 2 yrs ago

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 12:58 PM

oh shit, well it just seemed that way, wouldent you think the same thing??

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 1:08 PM

haha i probably would think the same thing too. hey im coming back to town thurs-sun so we need to party it up for sure

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 1:22 PM

fosho



Success! It took another week before the phone calls and text messages stopped and eventually we told Jason that we were fucking with him. But now our team of pranksters had grown to five and we had more pranks left in us.

It was now time to really fuck with people. Angel sent out a bulletin that she was going to be at a restaurant on Mill Avenue and she wanted someone to eat lunch with her. Of course her cell phone wasn't working so they just had to "meet her there." The next day Angel's mailbox was full of messages from angry and/or confused dudes that "couldn't find her," or "waited almost an hour." Oh, the things people do for love/pussy.

But the last prank we pulled with Angel was my Mona Lisa. This one dude who was like my dad's age kept messaging Angel and he was one cocky son of a bitch, the type of dude you want to choke with a garden hose when you see them in public. Well, we decided to give him a little treat. After a week of messages properly worded by Easton, the dude wanted to meet Angel. He lived in Glendale so we made him drive forty minutes to North Scottsdale to meet Angel at Desert Ridge mall. Once the date was set, the douche bag gave Angel his cell number and his work number. Couldn't have asked for more.

I had a female friend call him pretending to be Angel and set a time to meet up. He was really excited and "Angel" told him that she liked orange shirts on guys and her favorite flowers were carnations. I almost jizzed my pants at this point, I was so excited.

So the date was set and about twenty minutes before Angel and said douche bag were supposed to meet up, me, Easton and Jason waited outside of the meet up location to watch this idiot in person. He got there early, sharply dressed in a button-up orange shirt and blazer, holding a bouquet of carnations. Sucker. We set up my buddy's phone so the voice mail was from Angel, AKA our female friend. Once 7 O'clock passed he called and received no answer. It was now 7:30 and this guy had called four times, left two voicemails and sent two texts. He was starting to get pissed and he had no idea three dumb ass kids were parked 100 feet away from him and laughing their asses off and high-fiveing up a storm.

Finally, we decided to let him know that Angel wasn't coming. We drove past him, rolled down the window and asked if he was looking for Angel. The reaction on his face was priceless. I have never seen someone so pissed and ready to beat the fuck out of me. Luckily, we sped off as he attempted to chase us. I still wonder what he did with the carnations, did he just throw them away? I'll never know.

The next day we got a couple nicely worded messages from this fellow. They ranged from how he was going to find us and injure us to his connections with the Phoenix Police Department and how we were going to go to jail. Obviously he never got to any of us, and lucky for us we have never seen him again. Oh, and later that day we called his office and left a message with his secretary asking him to call Angel.

The End.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha That is fucking hilarious

LLnL said...

I just found your blog through a Facebook group and I think that you are crazy...I wish I was brave enough to have fun and pull an outrageous prank this.

I try to be nice a polite to everyone but love to run across people like you so that I can LOL...Glad you didn't get hurt and thanks for the laughter.

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