Sunday, September 13, 2009

No. 67 "Why I Hate Children."

To start off I'll let you know that I don't hate children. I just really, really don't like them and I find it hard not to kick them when they're screaming in a movie theater while I'm trying to get head. There are kids out there that are pretty cool. Like kids/babies with British accents, how can you not just love them? They're like the parrots of the children species, whatever they say is entertaining. Anyways, I decided to compile a list of the top ten reasons why I hate non-British children. And we're off.

Can't Hold Their Booze:
How am I supposed to have fun with a kid if they complain when you give them an "adult apple juice," and start crying and throwing themselves on the floor when you call them a faggot for not taking another Jager bomb. Put down your juice box and slam some tequila dammit! And even if they do last half the night, they usually complain that their fucking tummy hurts and start crying again. Plus, they never stick to the plan about pretending to be a midget when you try to hit up the bar together. Fucking amateurs.

Not Funny:
Common misconception: if someone laughs a lot, they're funny. Kids love to fucking laugh and think Sponge Bob is the funniest bastard around. I've tried to watch the horrid show and it's not funny one little bit, no dick jokes at all. And I'm not even gonna get into the fact that he's a god damn sponge, the same thing I use to clean up my cum after I masturbate on linoleum. I feel like I'm getting off topic. Children aren't funny. They don't know how to use irony or sarcasm properly and try to pass off that hand-underneath-the-armpit-flapping-thing as a joke. I get it, it sounds like a fart. Now just fall down and get hurt and then I'll laugh.

Fucking Narcs:
Rats, snitches, tattle tales, whatever you want to call it, that's what they are. You think you can trust them to keep a secret and then they go off and tell their stupid mom or their idiot best friend Jimmy. Real friends know how to keep a secret, especially a secret that involves theft and grand theft auto. And then after they snitch on you they think it's funny to hide behind their mother and laugh at you while you're being arrested.

No Game:
Chicks may think they're adorable and try to have cutesy conversations with them, but children just can't seal the deal. That chick was all over you bro, and you just brushed her off to watch Finding Nemo again. I mean, you've seen it like a dozen times already. Don't try to convince me that play dates are real dates either. And whenever I ask them to bring a couple chicks to a party they bring their mom and their grandma. Do you not know any other broads? And don't give me that cooties bullshit again, we all know that's a myth.

No Taste In Music:
The fucking Wiggles? What are you, retarded? Whenever I try to get them to listen to some Nirvana or Beatles they start screaming at a very high octave and run in circles. Is that how you get your way? Not 'round me mother fucker. And whenever I change their music in the car because I contemplate driving through a brick wall they start crying again until I put in their Disney soundtrack featuring lyrics by Tim Rice. Whatever, queer.

Belly Achers:
Stop fucking complaining about everything. I told you I was in a hurry to get concert tickets, but as soon as you see a McDonald's you start ranting and raving about how you want a stupid Happy Meal. Repeating "I want McDonald's" a dozen times doesn't help either. You had McDonald's three hours ago for god's sake. And I get it, candy is tasty, I like it too, but the world doesn't revolve around it. Home Depot does not and never will have candy, and I don't care how bored you are.

Can't Bust Their Balls:
Guys love to give each other shit and bust one another's balls, but kids can't seem to take a joke. Don't get all butt-hurt because I made fun of your shirt. Did you really expect not to be made fun of while you're wearing an Elmo shirt, fag? And we all feel bad for drawing penises on your face while you were sleeping, but it had to be done, you one-beer-bitch. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you need to man up and get a nice pair of jeans for tonight. I don't think they allow Huggies at the club.

Straight Up Liars:
I had a whole bag of popcicles in my freezer that I was going to have my girlfriend fellate later tonight to my viewing pleasure but somehow they went missing when you were over... That shaking your head feverishly trick isn't going to convince me otherwise! And they have no problem lying to your face no matter how much proof you have. Timmy, there are popcicle sticks all over your room. Wasn't me. You were the only one here. Wasn't me. Your god damn face is covered in cherry juice! (Starts crying.)

Don't Have Your Back:
Whenever I get into a little scuffle with a bunch of biker broads at a bar I want to know that my homies have my back. And children are never much help. I understand that they are much shorter and weaker than most adults, but at least give an effort. Rolling into a ball and sucking your thumb while sobbing doesn't help me against three diesel dykes with bats. At least distract them with a magic trick or one of your Thomas The Tank Engine toys.

Gross As Hell:
I'm cool with a gross antics for the sake of humor, but enough is enough. Peeing your pants is funny maybe once a month, but not everyday. It just makes a damn mess. And stop picking your nose and eating it. We just went out to a nice dinner with friends and you're still hungry? Come on now, at least do it in the car or when no one is looking like an adult. Also, why the hell are they so against brushing their teeth, its not a colonoscopy now.

Several other reasons kids suck:
-NEVER throw down for booze.
-Cry when you beat them (and mock them afterwords) in video games.
-You have to go to the bathroom with them.
-Scared of the dark.
-Change the channel from football to Dora The Explorer.
-Can't tie their shoes without assistance.
-Always want you to hold their hand (No homo.)
-Think a shoddily made drawing is a proper wedding gift.
-Unsatisfactory hygiene.
-Ask stupid questions.
-Always laugh when the word "duty" is uttered.
-Horrible readers.
-Mistake your bag of coke for sugar and have to be hospitalized.
-Suck at sports.
-Very short.

So there it is. My manifesto on why I hate children. Now, all you out there with kids of your own, don't get offended and write me angrily worded emails that I won't read anyways. This is just my hackneyed attempt at never being asked to babysit your monsters. And future children of mine: Stop crying you pussies, daddy was just kidding.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...