No. 66 "My Blogs Are Shit."

Often times I get asked how I come up with my ideas for blogs, and to be honest I really don't know. I watch a lot of TV, I drink too much and I can barely read, not exactly Hemmingway's modus operandi. Although I can't tell you how I come up with the ideas, I can let you in on how the process of writing one of my blogs works. Its like taking a shit. Stay with me now...

Chunks of Shit:
This is when an idea poops pops into my head and I start writing but can't get a full blog out of it. Just like when you (yes you) take a shit and those annoying little chunks come out. They're solid, but not complete. Sometimes you can piece them together and get a whole idea out of it, but other times you can't. I'm talking about writing, please do not try to piece together your feces.

Hernia Shit:
This happens when I haven't written something for a while and I try to force an idea out. I sit at my computer and try and try to come up with an original post. Eventually, I get an idea off right when I injure myself by pushing too hard and have to go to the hospital. Its best to let it come naturally, the way nature intended it.

Diarrhea Shit:
My favorite. This is when I have an idea come into my head and I keep writing for hours and end up writing four complete blogs in one sitting. Just like diarrhea, I don't know when its going to happen and I hope I am home when it does. Unfortunately, diarrhea shit can come at all hours and if you aren't ready for it, it can create a mess.

Too Much Wiping Shit:
Whenever I write something, and think that the blog is finished and ready to be posted I'll come back to it and add some more stuff or tweak it a little bit. Just like when you are taking a dump and you think three wipes with quadruple-ply toilet paper will suffice, only to eventually go through two and a half roles and upset environmentalists across the world. But, you don't wanna be walking around with skid marks.

Constipated Shit:
This is when I have tried to force it and I start to worry I'm never going to be able to shit (write) again. When you are literally constipated there are things to do such as adding more fiber to your diet or eating at Taco Bell, but when it comes to writing there isn't much you can do, although Taco Bell never hurts.

Blue Shit:
I had that once and it really confused me. It has nothing to do with writing, I just thought it was weird. Did I eat a smurf?

So there is your answer. The best thing to compare my writing to is taking a shit. Hopefully whenever you are on the can you will be thinking of me.

Updated 7/17/10