So, the other day I had this dream. I was fucking Elisha Cuthbert and Adriana Lima, and it was something. Whoops, wrong dream. I had this dream I was rich and famous, and I was like the coolest dude ever. So, I decided to compile a list of things I would do once I became fucking famous.
Goodbye Old Friends:
Sorry losers, but unless you dine at restaurants with desserts made with real gold, you gots to go! I'll make new celebrity friends, maybe a couple sports celebrities as well. My facebook status will go something like this: Hanging out with my boy Tobie McGuire. That's right, Spiderman! Suck it former friends! And I can't wait to hear from one of my loser former friends, "Man, (long pause) you've changed." It will be music to my ears.
Assaulting Paparazzi:
I'll be eating lunch outside with some hot model and I'll see someone with a camera and just run up to them and smash it while yelling profanities at them. I'll later apologize to the young Asian girl who was just on vacation with her family.
Sexually Harassing My Assistants:
Of course my assistant will be hot as hell. I'm thinking a tall Indian chick with a British accent. Hot, huh? After a month and six different assistants I will have compiled a class action lawsuit against myself. High Five!
Disguises:
Since I'm rich and super famous I don't want common folk coming up to be asking for autographs or complimenting me on my work, fuck that. I will have a wide array of hats, wide sunglasses and fake mustaches so I can pick up a hooker without getting spotted by fans.
Buy A Bunch Of Shit I Don't Need:
A couple roman statues, a gold toilet and a wise cracking black midget. Why a wise cracking black midget? If you have to ask, you can't afford it. I'll just store all this shit in one of my many other houses that I don't use. And I'll keep the water running so I waste another resource.
Do You Know Who The Fuck I Am?
Uttering those words to someone at a club or dinner party is something I've always wanted to do.
Drug Parties:
Every young celebrity does it. I'm thinking I round up Robert Downey Jr., River Phoenix and Chris Farley and have a huge drug party. Oh, Phoenix and Farley are dead? Shit. So, its just me and Downey. More of a drug get-together than a party but its still cool.
Bang Hot Bitches:
Every day.
In the end I'll probably lose it all after various stints in rehab and gay porn and eventually come crawling back to my former former friends via a facebook note. Actually, maybe I just won't be fucking famous. Naw.
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