I have an inkling that Kelli, Jessika, and Lyndzi are not former spelling bee champions.
Whenever someone mentions a recent news story I like to follow up by saying "Yeah, I read something about that." Even though I saw it on TV.
How lazy am I? Well, after the power goes out, instead of resetting my clock, I just remember to add an extra six hours and 24 minutes to the time.
Whenever I see one of those straight billed hats that cops wear I want to just fuck it up and give it a couple sweet curves. But, I have a feeling that if I tried that while a cop was wearing it I might end up screaming "Don't taze me, bro."
There are never winners when it comes to Dungeons & Dragons.
How do you spell the letter "H?" Like the letter "A" would be "aye," "W" would be "double you." But how the fuck do you spell "H?" This will annoy you the rest of the day.
Yelling out "Where the white women at?" in a densely African American populated location is not a successful way to pick up chicks or make friends.
Gentile comedians should get some sort of a handicap when performing jokes after Jewish comedians.
Why do conversations that start like "Patrick, you know we love you but..." are always so negative. For once I'd like to have that conversation go something like this: "Patrick, you know we love you but, we just bought you a BRAND NEW CAR!"
My favorite stories that people tell are ones that involve me.
Is there a proper way to let a girl know that her oral services are no longer needed (and that the use of teeth should never be an option.)
Recently I was out with friends camping. A random girl that I had never met before said: "Mmm what smells so good?" I didn't skip a beat and said "I farted." I love to make a great first impression.
Every time I see a dead roadrunner in the road I smile because I know Wile. E. is finally happy.
Attention Soccer fans: Do not call soccer football if you live in the United States. Not only is it confusing, it is fucking obnoxious. When you invite me to "watch some football" and I come over to your place and see soccer on I want to terminate our Facebook friendship immediately after pummeling you with a football.
I wonder if people from the United Arab Emirates get equally as annoyed when they click on the United States when filling out online forms.
(Btw- its "aitch.")