No. 11 "Girls With Guy Friends."

When I first meet a girl, I want to get to know her since girls love talking about themselves and they will think that I actually care as long as I nod my head and smile. But, the one thing that always bothers me is when a girl says "I only have guy friends." When this is said it means a couple things, all bad.

She will explain that she only hangs out with guys because "girls are bitches and I don't get along with them," which I will agree with. But, I am a guy and I know how guys think. I'm not stupid, I know that all of her guys don't just want to be "her friend." They all want to fuck her. There is not one straight man in the world that just wants to be just friends with a hot girl. They don't want to help her with her relationship problems or hear about how some guy fucked her over. They want to be the guy fucking her over. No one wants to be that sorry sap that just has to keep her head up when she realizes that the guy she thought she liked actually likes her friend.

And if I brought up this ludicrous idea she would be like "No way, they're all sweethearts, they're all like my brothers." Excuse me naive girl, but you're fucking wrong. They all just are in line to bone you, they just haven't had the opportunity yet. They use the friendship shield so that you don't think they are sexually interested in you, but in reality they are just waiting for the chance to hookup with you. Wake up, hoe. All guys aren't the same, but when it comes to certain situations, we all act the same.

Here's an example from their POV: Girl is dating a guy, he does/says something that makes her upset. She calls her guy friend. He comes over to comfort her, comforting leads to hugging, hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to boinking.

These guys aren't dumbasses, they know what's up. They know that her new boyfriend is going to fuck up and they will be there to "comfort" her (with their dicks.) They are working from the inside and she talks about him to them. They already have a game plan set up and are just waiting for him to say something wrong or do something "mean" so they can take advantage of her current state.

I understand that it is easier to get along with guys than girls since chicks can be total bitches, but this is also how sausage fests happen at parties. I invite three girls and expect them to bring some of their girl friends. They all come and bring a bunch of guys. They have officially ruined the party. Fuck.

All and all, girls with only guy friends are bad news. Girls with girl friends are bad news too but at least none of them want to fuck her, some of them probably want to fuck you.

No. 10 "The Last Day."

Oh, nostalgia. Another year of college has come and gone and I have had plenty of memories (and hangovers) to leave me thinking about it for months. But, my favorite slash not favorite part of the year is The Last Day. Basically, the last day consists of your final test, returning books, trying to spend every last penny you have on your university card, cleaning, moving out, and saying good bye to all your friends that aren't fortunate enough to live in Arizona all year round (Sorry my Alaskan friends, your state sucks.)

The Last Final:
My last day pretty much started at 3 am when I couldn't get to fucking sleep because my roommate was typing to his friends back home. I wanted to say something but I was in that half-sleep/half-awake phase and I didn't want to snap out of it. I woke up at 7:30 to go to my EM-325 final that I didn't study for, but knew I would get at least a B in. I take the test, it ended up being pretty easy and when I finish my last question I finally realize that the school year is over and summer has fucking began. Fuck vertical integration and Metro Survey Areas, I don't need to know that over the summer. I can empty it out of my head and when school rolls back around I can try to bit and piece it back in my head.

Then I turn in my test and my professor tells me that I have six absences (which for a college student is nothing) and he only allows three. Every absence after that means 1 grade letter reduction. I was not pleased. That makes no sense, I got good grades on all the tests and papers and because of a technicality I'm gonna get a D or an F. FUCK NO. Clever Patrick takes a hold. I tell him that I hadn't gotten the sign in sheet a couple times and that I know for a fact I had only missed three classes. He asks me to get my notes to verify that I was in class those days.
I rush back to my dorm to get my notes and there's a bunch of empty spaces because I really did miss six classes (Actually, probably more than that.) I go through my notes and put bullshit writing in that make no sense to what was being taught in that lesson. I rush back to his office and show him that I was in fact at class those days and even have the proof. He looks through my notes and sees that there are words and says "Oh ok, then no problem. Your grade in the class is a B" Thank you God for making me such a good liar.

Cleaning the Room:
After I get that settled I decide to clean my room and start packing shit. Its crazy what you will find in a college kids room after 9 months. Oh, that's what was smelling up my room! (Old salsa.) I didn't know I had a fifth of vodka in my room? That could have helped me out earlier in the year. There's my favorite T-shirt -- oh never mind its covered in salsa. This isn't mine! (Some girls skirt.) I found my history notes that would have helped me from bombing a test, and about $90 in pennies that I threw away because, c'mon who the fuck uses pennies? Lincoln sucks.

Selling Your Books:
It was off to the bookstore. My favorite place in the world that I have been to 3 times since college began. I get there and it looks like there's a line for Space Mountain in front of me. I almost just left, but I knew I could use the beer money. I eventually get to the front of the line and this lady that looks like my grandma's mom is there. I put down my 4 books and she scans them all. "Well, I can give you $20 for that one, and $1 for the rest." Well, I can break you hip in four places, you old bag! Give me my money! $1 for a text book? OK, this book is hardcover and has like 400 pages, its worth at least $5 in paper alone. I would rather burn it and fuck up the environment than give it to you for a dollar. You cant even buy a soda for a dollar, let alone matches and lighter fluid. And I know this bitch is gonna take all my books and sell them for like $50 each. I tell her where she can go (hell) and what she can suck (my balls) and then take my books, back walking away realizing that with $3 I could buy 2 sodas. So I turn around and get my $3. What ev, I don't give a shit.

Moving Out:
One fun part of moving out is seeing everyone else doing it too. You get to see those kids that you know as crazy mother fuckers in a different light. They are all polite and sober now that their parents are with them. You get to see random people's aging dads struggling to carry their cots into the car and realizing that they aren't strong enough. And you get to point out to your friends that their mom is a milf. As usual I am a procrastinator and didn't sign up to have a move out time so my friend Branden informs me that the list is full for today and I'll have to wait until tomorrow to move out. FUCK THAT. Clever/Liar Patrick has woken again. I walk up to the front desk and demand that I be allowed to move out today because I have a flight tonight. The guy at the desk was like "Uh, dude, there's a bunch of spots open, you can move out whenever." Oh. I just made an ass of myself. I go back and punch Branden in the back of the head for being a retard and relax until my dad comes up to Flagstaff. My dad finally makes it up and we literally squeeze every last thing into my car and we leave the great city of Flagstaff for Scottsdale. Summer begins...

Things/People I won't miss about Flagstaff:
-That motherfucker that drives a Ferrari to class everyday. The campus is a mile long and he has to drive his fucking Ferrari to class every day of the week. And I always see this pompous asshole revving his engine at stop lights and I want to throw my smoothie at his car. I will not miss that douche bag.

-The trash truck that wakes me up every day of the year at 7 am. I unfortunately don't have a view of beautiful mountains or greenery from my room. I have to pleasure of looking out my window and seeing three huge dumpsters full of trash, used condoms, and beer cans. I will not miss the trash ruck.

-Those damn hippies that ride their long boards barefoot. Seriously, don't they realize that you have to wear shoes pretty much everywhere you go. I know that you're uber-unique and totally rad but get a clue. I'll see your dumbass at Burning Man. I will not miss the hippies.

-My holier-than-thou born-again Christian RA that is younger than me. This guy knows that I hate him for calling the cops on me the first week of school because I had a party in the room and now he thinks we're buddy-buddy. He walks into my room every day to have small talk about class, my weekend, ect. And I just sit at my desk and don't look up and half-answer all his questions. "Class Good," "Weekend fun." "Go away." I will not miss my lame RA.

Things/People I will miss about Flagstaff:

-Constant drunkenness
-Partying on a Thursday even though I have Friday morning test
-Drunk sorority girls
-Cali girls
-Downtown Flag
-Camping
-Nice cool weather
-Forestry
-Living within walking distance of all my friends
-No parents
-No chores
-No cleaning
-Hanging out with crazy foreigners
-Hearing Dave Matthews and OAR every where I go

No. 09 "Random Thoughts Part 4."

Every once in a while if I'm at a party and had a couple drinks and there's no good looking females and see a girl who otherwise would be average looking, but in this situation she ranks better because she's in a room full of sub-pars. This is how Coyote Ugly's happen. You think to yourself "Hmm, well compared to all these gila monsters, she's hot..." But luckily a couple real hot girls come in and you snap out of it. Watch out of these "counterfeit-hotties."

I hate those cameras that flash twice. Everyone gets all together and is smiling and the first flash goes off and they think its done, but your picture ends up looking like a retard convention.

Only British people can use "good day" as an insult. If I said it, you would be like "Um, thanks man."

At my school, every once in a while they will have a tour group of kids that are planning on attending NAU in the fall. They walk around campus with some pompous junior who thinks he know everything. Most of the time these kids are with their parents and I like walking by them with some of my friends and act like I'm in a middle of a conversation. I say something to the tune of "Dude! I can't believe you fucked that goat, you're crazy!" Or, "Oh man I smoked so much crack last night, I love college. If my parents knew what I did they'd kill me!" I just love seeing the shocked faces of these parents.

I hate that one ARMY commercial where the guy comes back home to all his buddies and they ask him how the army is and he says he's working with computers and they're like "Well, couldn't you have done that here?" Then he sternly says "No." What a fucking douche bag. These are your friends, I guess after you get back from the army you turn into an asshole. And by the way, you could work with computers here you dumbass. The army doesn't own all the computers on earth. Now take your gay hat and leave.

If a girl describes herself as a "free spirit" it just means that she smokes pot, writes poetry and wears horn rimmed glasses. It doesn't mean she is special or unique at all.

I think its funny that my T9 for my cell phone "Ounces" comes before "Number." Verizon must be owned by a bunch of drug dealers.

Since everyone loves Chuck Norris jokes:
Tom once told Chuck Norris that he couldn't log in to his Myspace because of technical difficulties. Chuck Norris said "No one tells Chuck Norris what to do!" then roundhouse kicked Tom and took all his friends. Chuck Norris now owns Myspace.

How to tell the difference between a Freshman and an upperclassmen at NAU: Ask "When was the last time you drank?" An upperclassmen will answer "Hmm... last weekend." A Freshman will answer "Dude, I'm drunk right now!" Then he will attempt to high five you.

The best feeling in the world: Getting a girl you thought you had no chance in hell to get. Its like when you think you bomb a test, then find out you got an A. Either way you're telling all your friends.

No. 08 "That Guy."

Being of college age, everyone knows "that guy." He can be an asshole, dumbass, assmuncher, ass-fag, or any other negative connotation of the word ass. He is never invited to parties, but somehow always is there. He acts like he has tons of friends, but everyone around him seems to want to kick him in the fucking throat. Here are some ways to spot "that guy."

That Guy and Girls:
He goes up to every girl at the party and hits on them. It doesn't matter how out of his league they are, he doesn't care. He tells the lamest jokes that you heard in 8th grade and didn't even laugh at then. No matter how disgusted girls act towards him he doesn't get it. "Oh, she'll be screaming my name later. Ah ha ha ha." No she will not, her boyfriend will ass rape you if you hit on her again. He can also be "the cockblocker" which some of you have heard of.

That Guy and Beer:
He conveniently never has any money for beer even though he brags about his $150 jacket. "You guys are getting some more beer? I'll throw down." He never throws down and he drinks more beer than anyone, but only drinks half of each beer like a pussy because he forgets where he put it down. "Fuck it, I didn't pay for it, I'll do another keg-stand!"

That Guy and Annoyance:
Hey, its a party, its all about meeting new people and having fun. But that guy loves to annoy the shit out of everyone, especially you. He has to tell you his lame, totally made up stories. Every time you say something he has to one-up you. "Oh, you've won 7 games of beer pong? One time me and my friend one 20 straight games and weren't even drunk." You are a fucking liar, burn in hell. He is also the guy that "pants" random people because he thinks its "so funny." He always has the most annoying laugh in the world.

That Guy and Music:
He always has the worst taste in music and talks about shitty bands that nobody likes. He will go through your CDs and find something he likes and change the music. Why would he do this? Because he doesn't fucking care. "Naw man, Limp Bizkit is totally party music." Make sure to have someone watch the stereo and if a guy that resembles a douche bag walks up and tries to change the music, throw a rock at his head.

That Guy and Cheating:
He will cut in line in beer pong. He thinks that if he puts his name on the side of the list and points an arrow above everyone that means he is in front. No, this is considered cutting and where I come from if you cut, you get cut (stabbed.) I don't know what loop hole in the official beer pong rules you think you found, but you are going to the back of the line, buddy. He also cuts in line for the keg and tries to put his cup above yours. Nice try, but I was here before you. Your little trick isn't going to work, bitch.

That Guy and Clumsiness:
He is the clumsiest drunk there is. He'll beer bong half a beer and fall over and knock over your grandma's earn. "Whoa, whoops man, totally sorry." He just walks away, no big deal. Its not his house, so he can do whatever he wants. He's too lazy to lift up the seat so he pisses all over it. He'll go into your room and lay on your bed, watching your TV while spilling beer on your down comforter.

That Guy and Invites:
Somehow this douche bag found out about the party and he decided to bring all his equally lame and loud friends (all dudes of course.) This is the worst thing that can happen to a party. You see the door open and you see: dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, and more dudes. They didn't bring any girls, money, or alcohol. They are the worst kind of people. The Moochers.

I hope this tips helped you, and the next time you're at a party you can point out this guy and have him beaten. And if you were reading this and realized that you are "that guy," you should have a Drain-O shake, they're really good for you, I swear.

No. 07 "Roommates."

In college you will undoubtedly have at least one roommate (unless you're one of those kids whose parents buy your own room because you're such a social outcast.) You can pick your roommate, but sometimes you don't have that option, so you are given a random roommate.
Now, if you get a random roommate you have to make sure they know this is "your fucking room." You want to be the alpha male in this room and have all power. Make his life miserable and hopefully he'll move out by Thanksgiving Break.

Here are some ways to do this:
-When you first meet them, shake their hand real firmly.
-Talk more than them.
-Fuck his girlfriend.
-Put your posters all over the room, even on their side.
-Bring over a bunch of your drunk friends so you seem really cool and slap him every five minutes for no reason at all.
-Play your music louder than his.
-Make fun of his music, even if you like it.
-Turn off his TV if you're listening to music.
-Turn on the lights at 9 am so he has to wake up, even if you don't have a class, just watch The Price Is Right.
-Never buy your own food. His parents gave him all that money to feed the both of you.
-Don't shower for a couple weeks, the smell will make it hard for him to study.
-Hit on his sister.
-Wear his clothes.
-Let your friends wear his clothes.
-"Accidentally" break his stuff.
-Go on his computer and change his background to gay porn, then show everyone in your hall.
-Invite him to a party and give him the wrong directions.
-When you bring a girl back to your dorm, tell her to be really loud because he has an 8 am test.
-When he's studying, have a party in your room with loud hip hop music, a pinata and strippers.
-If you leave for the weekend, hide some raw fish in the room so it takes him all weekend to find the smell.
-Punch him in his sleep and tell him you were sleep walking.
-If he's Christian, use the Lord's name in vain every five minutes.
-Ask to borrow his notes and then lose them.
-Jack off on his pillow
-Never take out the trash or clean. He's your bitch, its his job.
-Tell everyone he has chlamydia.
-Tell the RA he has pot.
-Give him a nick name. If his name is Rick call him Dick.
-Hook up with that one girl he's had a crush on all semester and display pictures of you and the girl all over the room.

Hopefully if you do all of this your new roommate will get so sick of it that they will move out and you will have the room all to yourself. Or, he'll murder you. Either way you win! Good Luck.

No. 06 "Cockblockers."

There are many different people you will meet in college. You have the meatheads, computer nerds, sorority girls, fuglies, frat guys, binge drinkers, losers, and older creepy guys. But, the one stereotype you will always remember is the Cockblocker.

The Cockblocker is usually described as a douche bag or a tool. No one likes him and he is usually wearing a backwards hat. He wants to interrupt the intelligent conversation you are having with a girl you want to get to know better (bang and brag about.) They will do everything in their power to bring you down and nab your girl. You talked to her first and got her a drink, she's yours goddammit!

He is usually creepy, loud, and doesn't care about you. He knows about the party "from a friend of his" but this friend is no where to be found. He will walk up and start talking to the girl about the most retarded shit in the world. He might walk up with his Mercedes keys in his hands even though he is clearly not driving, so it might catch her eye. "Oh these? Yeah I drive a SL 500. No big deal." He might try to make lame jokes about how cold/hot it is to get her attention. He'll probably keep talking about how he's from California or Colorado or some "cooler state," and how different it is. He'll use the words "like," "so," and "right on" way too much. "Naw, like totally back in Cali its so different, a lot more chill, things are like so different here." And he will tell the stupidest stories lies ever, and your girl will believe every word he says because girls are stupid. Just kidding.

The cockblocker will usually act like you aren't there. And if they do, they will give you that gang handshake from California that nobody understands and you slap instead of pound. He'll also say something like "What up chief, I'm Brad." And I will be like "Hey man, I'm Patrick." And of course he'll intentionally and condescendingly be like "Tolchek?" Yeah that's my name. My parents gave me a made up name, douche. He will probably backhandedly compliment your hair or shirt. He's enough of a dick to piss you off but not quite as big of a dick to deserve a fist-in-face sandwich a side of dick-kick.

A different kind of cockblocker is the oblivious one. He's harmless, but can lead to non dick-wetness. This is the guy that is hanging out in your (and by "your" i mean some dudes) room when you're about to bang some hot Gamma Phi pledge. He just goes on with small talk, talking about music and movies and things that don't involve him leaving anytime soon, while you and your girl just look back and forth at each other mouthing to "get him the fuck out of here." The best way to get rid of this ignorant bag of douche is to ask him to grab you a drink. As soon as he leaves, close the door, lock it and begin the boning. And you will have a refreshing beverage waiting for you once you're done!

You have to watch out when cockblockers work in a team. They come at you from all corners, like Army special forces with too much gel. Its hard to defend against them, and even harder to get rid of them. They one-up each other as if the girl will be so impressed that she'll bang all three of them. There is always a short guy in the pack and he is always the leader. If you can take him out, the whole group dies (figuratively that is.) He is the nucleus. So the best way to get rid of the leader is to tell him to do a keg-stand. He will not want to look like a wimp in front of the girl so he will do the longest one possible and throw up all over the place and his friends will have to clean up the mess. Slowly walk away with your girl and chuckle to yourself about how smart you are while you slyly grab her ass.

Girls can be cockblockers too, and they are the worst. They are usually the hot girl's fatter, uglier, red head-ier friend that she only keeps around so that she and her friends feel better about themselves. She doesn't want her friend to get any action because she hates men since no one would ever want to bone her, no matter how drunk they were. She doesn't want you "to win." So she comes up with excuses for why her friend has to go. "You have an early class." Its Saturday. "You don't know him." I don't care. "You have to wake up early in the morning." Don't worry, I'll kick her to the curb as soon as I'm done. "I don't want to be alone tonight." Fuck, I can't think of anything. These type of cockblockers are hard to defend against. They are working from the inside and can influence the girl more than the seven shots of Jager and your cool new haircut can. The best way to win in this situation is to have a buddy of yours "take one for the team" and hook up with the fugly friend. This will let you get the hottie and you can "owe one" to your friend. He will keep bringing it up and ask when you will "take one for the team" for him. This will never happen. Just keep saying "Next time man, I got ya."

Here are some helpful tips to spot a cockblocker:
-He has blonde tipped hair
-He's wearing a popped collar polo.
-He has a cigarette above his ear.
-He is a fucking liar.
-He doesn't stop talking.
-He knows "everything."
-He's wearing way too much cologne.
-He's "really into" Limp Bizkit
-He agrees with everything your girl says.
-He just happens to have everything in common with her too.
-His name is Brad.

Overall, the best way to avoid cockblockers is to carry a knife on you and stab them so they shut up. This may lose you the girl, but people will know not to fuck with you. Other than that, just try to demean them and spill your drink on them if their retarded game is actually working so they have to go change or go to the bathroom. Immediately go outside and tell everyone that he peed his pants. As soon as he comes out everyone will laugh at him and he'll probably cry and run away.
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LADIES: I was just joking around, guys aren't really like this. Most guys want to treat girls with the utmost respect that they deserve. All guys want to get to know you before they move to the next level. Female Power!
There is no need to read past this part.
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GUYS: Haha, good thing girls do what they're told and stopped reading this blog to make us a sandwich. Well hopefully these tips will help you fight off cockblockers so you can get the most play humanly possible. Girls wouldn't go to parties if they didn't want some action. Keep your pimp hand strong!

No. 05 "Random Thoughts Part 3."

Jesus does not have a Myspace, so posting bulletins about how much you love him is pointless. Myspace is for people to hook up with each other, not to spread Jesus' love.

Yeah, Jennifer Aniston is hot, but I don't blame Brad Pitt for leaving her for Angelina Jolie. C'mon, its Angelina Jolie

There is not one Italian that isn't proud of their heritage, not one.

I hate it when I'm walking with a friend of mine and they run into someone they know. Its always weird to stand there, not knowing whether to introduce yourself and add into the conversation or just stand there and look at your cell phone that's not ringing.

Whats with California drivers? When I was in "Cali" over the summer, every time me and my friends were driving people would look into our car. They would never be smiling either, it was like they were investigating. "Do I know this person? Hey! Do I know you?" California has like 40 million people, I'm pretty sure the 405 isn't full of your homies, Pablo.

The Public School system is the only place to fuck up the pizza. Pizza is loved by everyone, no one doesn't like pizza. But somehow school lunches always fucked it up. First off, Pizza should never be square, it confuses my mind and taste buds. My eyes see square and confuses my taste buds and that destroys everything. It would always be burnt and greasy and gross. Its pizza, not that hard to make, but it never tasted good. But I'm pretty sure our lunch ladies aren't renowned international chefs, but how hard is it to make a decent pizza?

What the fuck happened to Tom Cruise? Seriously.

I hate stand up comedians that say something like "Women are blah blah blah" just to get applause from stupid women. You are a comedian, you are paid to make people laugh, not to inspire women with your insipid compliments. Do your God Damn joke.

Whenever that show Next comes on, I get excited because I like that show, but I hate it when I get all amped for the show, the guy starts talking and I realize that he's gay. It totally ruins the show and I have to change the channel. The Lesbian Next episodes on the other hand...

You will never hear this at a McDonalds: "Hey dude, that cashier is hot!" If they were hot they would be blowing movie producers not serving you a Big Mac.

Every party I have ever been to has played the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. Drunk people and old 80's songs are a match made in heaven I guess.

For all your bike riders that ride without hands: you're not cool, and no one is impressed. I could do that when I was 9 and by the time I was 11 I realized it was lame. Do you think some girl walking by will see your cool no-handed bike riding skills and wanna jump in your pants? And by the way, the funniest thing in the world is when you crash your bike because of your no-handed riding.

For anal sex: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

No. 04 "Random Thoughts Part 2."

Ever tell someone off and have to come back because you forgot something? A couple months ago shit went sour with this one girl and I told her she was "an immature dumb ass" then proceeded to storm off. I felt on top of the world telling that girl off and just leaving, but I forgot my sweater in her room, so I had to awkwardly walk back in, softly tell her I forgot my sweater and walk out of the room. Yeah, I fucked that "storm out" up.

Do you ever do that thing when your walking somewhere and you see someone you know and you waive at them, but they don't waive back so you do that weird head scratch thing so they don't realize you made a fool of yourself. I fucking hate that.

My take on days of the week:

SUNDAY: The day of rest, the day to sleep off the weekend and all the crazy 5 am drunken nights. Also the day you realize the weekend is over and Monday is coming very soon
MONDAY: The shittiest day of the week. No one likes Monday, not even Monday. Its not like Wednesday, where you can say "Well at least its not Monday."
TUESDAY: Monday's less shitty little brother. Its not Monday, but its still not the middle of the week. One good thing--Taco Tuesday at Del Taco.
WEDNESDAY: The work/school week is halfway done and this is one of the better days. This can also turn into "Wasted Wednesday" if you're an avid drinker or "alcoholic."
THURSDAY: The best day of the week. You know the weekend is very close and the work/school week is dwindling down. This is why "Thirsty Thursday" is a tradition in my clique.
FRIDAY: Fuck school, Fuck work, Fuck professors, Fuck bosses. The weekend is officially starting. Everyone knows what Friday "feels" like. Its like the beginning of summer every week. You make plans and can stay out late. Long live Friday.
SATURDAY: Friday's older, cooler brother. This is the best night to party, this is where the craziest nights take place, but near the end of the night, you realize that Sunday (AKA Monday Eve) is approaching.

Hip Hop and rap nowadays sucks big time. Seriously, listen to that Wait song and tell me its a "good song" and I'll point out a retard. The other night I played, without a doubt one of the best hip hop songs ever ("Notorious Thugs" by Biggie and Bone Thugz) at a party and some girls were like "what is this? this song sucks! Play "Grillz!" I wished it was legal to slap women at that time.

This weekend I went to my grandparents house for Easter Sunday and it was nice and all but I always have to meet their weird, old, half deaf, boring friends and act interested.
Example:
My Grandma: "Oh, this is my grandson, Patrick"
Her Friend: "Hello Patrick how are you?"
Me: "I'm good, just enjoying Easter, ya know."
Her Friend: "Whats that?"
Me: "Easter... its nice"
Her Friend: "It sure is..."
(Awkward Silence)
Me: "Um..yeah..."
(I slowly walk away)
-Now what am I supposed to do? Just stand there and talk for hours to some 78 yr old lady? And I hate that weird moment where I have to walk away after the conversation is over. Ugh.

I was watching that Yo Mamma show and I'm pretty sure Wilmer Valderrama (or however you spell his inane last name) is the biggest tool next to Carson Daily. He's not funny and when he "raids" the other people's houses and tries to joke around he just looks like a moron. And that show tries to be so ghetto, with all the stupid slang they use to describe everything. Wilmer is not ghetto. And what is with everyone on that show having stupid nicknames. J Boogy, Mamma Q, Funk Stylee Pimp Master Quantro, ect. Can't they just be like "Um hi, I'm Tom." This show is so lame, and I've heard all these jokes before, but they were said by middle schoolers, not wannabe ghetto 24 year old men.

I will be the first to say it, pie is way better than cake. Without a doubt. Cake sucks. Its just lame and frosting is gross and whenever you get a cake for a birthday there's always like 3/4 of a cake left. Whys that? Because cake sucks. On the other hand you have Pie, which rocks. Pie is hot and tasty and delicious. There is never leftovers. When I get married I'm having a big huge pie and I don't care what my wife thinks. Pie rules, Cake sucks. In American Pie he fucked a pie, not a cake, what does that say? Case closed.

I've been thinking and in my life I've been told that I'm "Gonna go to hell" by a couple people. And you know what? I don't give a shit. Heaven is like impossible to get into (Especially if your Catholic) and all my friends will be in hell. Lets look at both sides: Heaven: I can't do immoral things (AKA fun shit) that I like to do on earth, and I'm hanging out with a bunch of goody-two-shoes people I don't like. Then there's Hell: I can do the immoral things that I like to do and I get to chill with my buddies for all eternity. And hey, its a dry heat.