Thursday, April 27, 2006

No. 06 "Cockblockers."

There are many different people you will meet in college. You have the meatheads, computer nerds, sorority girls, fuglies, frat guys, binge drinkers, losers, and older creepy guys. But, the one stereotype you will always remember is the Cockblocker.

The Cockblocker is usually described as a douche bag or a tool. No one likes him and he is usually wearing a backwards hat. He wants to interrupt the intelligent conversation you are having with a girl you want to get to know better (bang and brag about.) They will do everything in their power to bring you down and nab your girl. You talked to her first and got her a drink, she's yours goddammit!

He is usually creepy, loud, and doesn't care about you. He knows about the party "from a friend of his" but this friend is no where to be found. He will walk up and start talking to the girl about the most retarded shit in the world. He might walk up with his Mercedes keys in his hands even though he is clearly not driving, so it might catch her eye. "Oh these? Yeah I drive a SL 500. No big deal." He might try to make lame jokes about how cold/hot it is to get her attention. He'll probably keep talking about how he's from California or Colorado or some "cooler state," and how different it is. He'll use the words "like," "so," and "right on" way too much. "Naw, like totally back in Cali its so different, a lot more chill, things are like so different here." And he will tell the stupidest stories lies ever, and your girl will believe every word he says because girls are stupid. Just kidding.

The cockblocker will usually act like you aren't there. And if they do, they will give you that gang handshake from California that nobody understands and you slap instead of pound. He'll also say something like "What up chief, I'm Brad." And I will be like "Hey man, I'm Patrick." And of course he'll intentionally and condescendingly be like "Tolchek?" Yeah that's my name. My parents gave me a made up name, douche. He will probably backhandedly compliment your hair or shirt. He's enough of a dick to piss you off but not quite as big of a dick to deserve a fist-in-face sandwich a side of dick-kick.

A different kind of cockblocker is the oblivious one. He's harmless, but can lead to non dick-wetness. This is the guy that is hanging out in your (and by "your" i mean some dudes) room when you're about to bang some hot Gamma Phi pledge. He just goes on with small talk, talking about music and movies and things that don't involve him leaving anytime soon, while you and your girl just look back and forth at each other mouthing to "get him the fuck out of here." The best way to get rid of this ignorant bag of douche is to ask him to grab you a drink. As soon as he leaves, close the door, lock it and begin the boning. And you will have a refreshing beverage waiting for you once you're done!

You have to watch out when cockblockers work in a team. They come at you from all corners, like Army special forces with too much gel. Its hard to defend against them, and even harder to get rid of them. They one-up each other as if the girl will be so impressed that she'll bang all three of them. There is always a short guy in the pack and he is always the leader. If you can take him out, the whole group dies (figuratively that is.) He is the nucleus. So the best way to get rid of the leader is to tell him to do a keg-stand. He will not want to look like a wimp in front of the girl so he will do the longest one possible and throw up all over the place and his friends will have to clean up the mess. Slowly walk away with your girl and chuckle to yourself about how smart you are while you slyly grab her ass.

Girls can be cockblockers too, and they are the worst. They are usually the hot girl's fatter, uglier, red head-ier friend that she only keeps around so that she and her friends feel better about themselves. She doesn't want her friend to get any action because she hates men since no one would ever want to bone her, no matter how drunk they were. She doesn't want you "to win." So she comes up with excuses for why her friend has to go. "You have an early class." Its Saturday. "You don't know him." I don't care. "You have to wake up early in the morning." Don't worry, I'll kick her to the curb as soon as I'm done. "I don't want to be alone tonight." Fuck, I can't think of anything. These type of cockblockers are hard to defend against. They are working from the inside and can influence the girl more than the seven shots of Jager and your cool new haircut can. The best way to win in this situation is to have a buddy of yours "take one for the team" and hook up with the fugly friend. This will let you get the hottie and you can "owe one" to your friend. He will keep bringing it up and ask when you will "take one for the team" for him. This will never happen. Just keep saying "Next time man, I got ya."

Here are some helpful tips to spot a cockblocker:
-He has blonde tipped hair
-He's wearing a popped collar polo.
-He has a cigarette above his ear.
-He is a fucking liar.
-He doesn't stop talking.
-He knows "everything."
-He's wearing way too much cologne.
-He's "really into" Limp Bizkit
-He agrees with everything your girl says.
-He just happens to have everything in common with her too.
-His name is Brad.

Overall, the best way to avoid cockblockers is to carry a knife on you and stab them so they shut up. This may lose you the girl, but people will know not to fuck with you. Other than that, just try to demean them and spill your drink on them if their retarded game is actually working so they have to go change or go to the bathroom. Immediately go outside and tell everyone that he peed his pants. As soon as he comes out everyone will laugh at him and he'll probably cry and run away.
LADIES: I was just joking around, guys aren't really like this. Most guys want to treat girls with the utmost respect that they deserve. All guys want to get to know you before they move to the next level. Female Power!
There is no need to read past this part.
GUYS: Haha, good thing girls do what they're told and stopped reading this blog to make us a sandwich. Well hopefully these tips will help you fight off cockblockers so you can get the most play humanly possible. Girls wouldn't go to parties if they didn't want some action. Keep your pimp hand strong!

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...