Monday, May 1, 2006

No. 07 "Roommates."

In college you will undoubtedly have at least one roommate (unless you're one of those kids whose parents buy your own room because you're such a social outcast.) You can pick your roommate, but sometimes you don't have that option, so you are given a random roommate.
Now, if you get a random roommate you have to make sure they know this is "your fucking room." You want to be the alpha male in this room and have all power. Make his life miserable and hopefully he'll move out by Thanksgiving Break.

Here are some ways to do this:
-When you first meet them, shake their hand real firmly.
-Talk more than them.
-Fuck his girlfriend.
-Put your posters all over the room, even on their side.
-Bring over a bunch of your drunk friends so you seem really cool and slap him every five minutes for no reason at all.
-Play your music louder than his.
-Make fun of his music, even if you like it.
-Turn off his TV if you're listening to music.
-Turn on the lights at 9 am so he has to wake up, even if you don't have a class, just watch The Price Is Right.
-Never buy your own food. His parents gave him all that money to feed the both of you.
-Don't shower for a couple weeks, the smell will make it hard for him to study.
-Hit on his sister.
-Wear his clothes.
-Let your friends wear his clothes.
-"Accidentally" break his stuff.
-Go on his computer and change his background to gay porn, then show everyone in your hall.
-Invite him to a party and give him the wrong directions.
-When you bring a girl back to your dorm, tell her to be really loud because he has an 8 am test.
-When he's studying, have a party in your room with loud hip hop music, a pinata and strippers.
-If you leave for the weekend, hide some raw fish in the room so it takes him all weekend to find the smell.
-Punch him in his sleep and tell him you were sleep walking.
-If he's Christian, use the Lord's name in vain every five minutes.
-Ask to borrow his notes and then lose them.
-Jack off on his pillow
-Never take out the trash or clean. He's your bitch, its his job.
-Tell everyone he has chlamydia.
-Tell the RA he has pot.
-Give him a nick name. If his name is Rick call him Dick.
-Hook up with that one girl he's had a crush on all semester and display pictures of you and the girl all over the room.

Hopefully if you do all of this your new roommate will get so sick of it that they will move out and you will have the room all to yourself. Or, he'll murder you. Either way you win! Good Luck.

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