No. 58 "How To Make A Rap Video."

I've written articles about relationships, drunkeness and basically being a bad person, but this week I've decided to try something different. Since MTV only has shows about dating hookers and rap videos, I'd go with the subject I know the least about: Rap videos. Here are some basic steps you will need to follow to create a perfect rap video...

Get A Big Mother Fucking Boat:
It has to be ginormous. Even if there is only going to be three people on it. You don't see Jay-Z rapping on a god damn fishing boat. And, there is no need to actually be going anywhere, just cruise around, dance and throw up gang signs.

Use Colloquial Language:
Bitch, Hoe, Sleezy. All synonyms for intelligent young ladies. Your raps don't necessarily have to make sense or contain many lyrics, just repeat the same saying or phrase over and over. You've got a sweet beat, that's all that matters.

Big Booty Hoes:
Without big booty hoes, your rap video will not be genuine. You can find these big booty hoes on VH1 and MTV reality shows. Once you have them booty-shaking on your boat, crack open a bottle of Cristal and spray it all over their booties. They will love it, and their fathers will be proud once they watch the finished product.

Rims, Baby, Rims:
You may be on a boat for this music video, but you have to have rims somewhere. Maybe have a couple Benz's on the boat and just kneel down next to them while the rims are spinning and grin while pointing (make sure they see your fresh new grill.) This will make you look like a bona fide baller.

Large Stacks of Money:
There are many things you can do with large stacks of money. You could put it in an investment fund for your illegitimate children's college future, but fuck that! There are cooler things to do. Try holding the stack on a table and counting the money (who cares if you can't count.) Or, you could throw it in the air and act like you just don't care. The possibilities are endless.

Pointing Objects At The Camera:
It doesn't really matter what you point at the camera, just grab anything. We already did money so how about you try guns or jewelry? Or, how about a fucking baby? Hells yeah, a baby.

Slow Motion:
This shit is cool. Use it when you are opening your door or entering a room. It must be used whenever booty-shaking is happening. And, when you're throwing your child's college fund in the air, the falling Benjamins will look ill as fuck.

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots! Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots! Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots!:
Don't say that. It's annoying as fuck.

And the Rest:
Smoke cigars slowly, take off your white tee and wave it around, and point to the sky. The rest is really up to you.

And, that's all you need to make a rap video. If you can't afford diamonds, spinning rims or a rather large boat, well then stick to indie music videos, nerd. I'll be spraying champagne on hoes...

Updated 7/18/10