Monday, August 17, 2009

No. 60 "How To Make Friends In Jail."

You must be reading this because you recently found out that you will be going on an extended "vacation" to the county jail. Who knew it was illegal to jack off outside of a Taco Bell? Well first of all, congratulations on your good fortune. It will be just like a vacation to Mexico, but instead of margaritas and bikini clad women, you will be surrounded by a bunch of large men that all want to stick objects in your anus, and more Mexicans. Lets start.

Once you get to your new home for the next three to five years, (depending on your behavior) you will want to make some friends. And we all know that friends bust each other's balls. Go up to the first person you see and make fun of them and then give him a wedgie. I'm sure Manuel will find it hilarious.

Join A Gang:
Remember in high school when you joined the debate team and made all those cool and socially acceptable friends? Well, it'll be just like the glory days. But, this time try to branch out to a different group. You see those friendly African American gentlemen over there? Ask to be a part of their clique.

Shower Time!:
Hygiene is very important when coming to a new place. You don't want to be the smelly kid in jail, now do you? If possible, sneak your loofah in with you when you first go into the joint. The guys may make fun of you at first, but it will definitely get their attention. Loofahs are also great for cleaning off blood stains.

The guards in jail are basically just like your RA's in college. Kinda dorky and just want to be your friend. So, hassle them a little and make sure to tell them about your cell mate that is trying to break out. Honesty is very important, and your cell mate will have learned his lesson and eventually forgive you after shanking you in the windpipe.

Coming back from jail without a new tattoo is like coming back from Vegas with money still in your account. So find the best tattoo artist in the area and go get yourself a brand spankin' new tattoo. Don't worry about the rusty old pen he's using on your skin, he spit on it first so it's clean as a whistle. Plus, Hepatitis C is very treatable.

You'll soon find out that most people in jail like to collect items such as cigarettes, porn, and shanks. But, you want to be original. Instead, show off your collection of pogs and Pokemon cards. They might laugh at you and then later beat you, but at least you aren't a conformist!

Now it's time for a hearty, healthy meal! Make sure to let the friendly chef know about your food allergies and that you are now on Atkins. You don't want to be gaining a spare tire while on vacation now do you? Additionally, feel free to borrow food from the people sitting next to you. It'll be a great conversation starter.

Don't worry, you don't have to be nervous. There won't be any girls in jail. Whew! What a sigh of relief, huh?

Now you're ready for your vacation in jail. You'll get to make new friends, try exotic cuisines and have a sweet new neck tattoo to show off to future employers. But watch out, because I've been told that there are homosexuals in jail. All you have to do is politely tell them that you enjoy the company of women and they will let you be. Good luck!

Updated 7/18/10

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