Monday, July 27, 2009

No. 57 "Essentials For A Successful Road Trip."

Its summertime and you know what that means? No, the Backstreet Boys aren't coming back. It means it's time to get all your dumbass buddies together and go on a road trip. To where? Who cares. With what money? Your mom's. For how long? Until your mom realizes her credit card is missing.

Courtesy To Other Drivers:
It is very important to be courteous and respectful to other drivers. When an 18-wheeler drives by, you have to do the horn-blowing motion until he finally succumbs and makes that super cool noise. It was funny on your 3rd grade field trip to Tucson, and its still funny now. You also must flip off your friends in the other cars caravanning with you. Mooning is optional, as is cutting them off and nearly making them crash while laughing hysterically.

Drink A Lot Of Alcoholic Beverages:
So what if you're only going to Vegas for the weekend? Bring five thirty packs and six handles of vodka. It will make the trip go by much faster and keep the driver entertained. And the more you drink, the more leg room you have in the car. (Littering is not a crime. I think.)

Pee In a Gatorade Bottle:
Its as simple as that. You want to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible, and you don't have time to stop and pee. But, don't forget to mark the bottle so you don't confuse it with the other lemon Gatorade. Not a mistake you want to make twice, believe me.

Make Fun of the People In the Small Town:
Whether its Barstow, Kingman, or any other meth-induced town, it is a must to poke fun of the townsfolk. Here's some areas you can touch on: How small their houses are, their lack of dental hygiene, and how dumb they must be. In addition, make sure the gas station attendant overhears you saying that you would kill yourself if you lived in their town.

Shotgun rules must be agreed upon before the trip begins. This can create a lot of turmoil if not settled beforehand, and can result in yelling and/or calling each other "fucking faggots." Also "shotgun no battle" and "shotgun no challenge" are the same God damn thing, Nate.

Jerky, chips and sun flower seeds are good choices. But remember, the messier the better. Don't bother cleaning up either, that's the job of the driver who gets to hear all your funny racist jokes and amazing voice while you are illegally drinking in his car.

Car Games:
Who needs I Spy and license plate games when you can see how far you can spit. Or, to take it to another level, how far you can throw your beer bottle. Never mind the cop pulling you over, he's just congratulating you for that totally gnarly throw.

Now you're ready for the best road trip ever! And this information is just for the ride to your destination, the ride back sucks because you come back sunburned, broke and itchy you-know-where.

Updated 7/18/10

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