Sunday, August 23, 2009

No. 61 "The Updated Freshmen Survival Guide."

About three years ago, I compiled a list of things to help the average incoming freshman with their transition from high school to college. I'm now 23 and have experienced more college activities not involving school work as anyone. So, I decided to take my list from three years ago and update it with information I have learned since then.

Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell, and definitely smellier. If you picked your roommate, you will either have a great first year. Or, you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate, they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. As far as girl roommates are concerned, they will love each other the first couple of months, create photo albums with pictures of them hugging in frames that says Friends Forever and be in humorous fake Facebook relationships with each other. Then, the day will come when they just hate each other. It may be because one of them borrowed the other's sweater, or swallowed their roommate's boyfriend's DNA, but it is a proven fact that 95% of female roommates will eventually hate each other before the end of the year. And 100% will talk shit about each other. Don't argue with it bitches ladies, its science.


This is not like the pamphlet that the university gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing minorities in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, so pick them wisely. Also, it is important to make "friends in class." These are not your real friends, and not the people you hang out with on the weekend. They are the people in your classes that save your ass when you forget about a test and need their notes. They are usually socially awkward and just looking for someone to talk to them. You may need to invite them to a social gathering on the weekend every once in a while to ensure they won't fuck you over, but from there on out, its smooth sailing. (FYI- Asians are usually the first "friends in class" picked, so make sure you go to class early and recruit them before they get picked up by another kid.)

Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your rectangular things with words and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" Usually you can find out about fun activities through your RA or Residence Life. I'm kidding, that's where you go if you want your college experience to suck. Once you find a couple cool people who know about the party, it is imperative to follow the guidelines of being a freshman at a party. Read these rules carefully, or you might come off as what is known in college as "a fucking douche bag."
  • Don't try to out drink anyone, because you won't be able to. You see that 90 lb girl over there? Yeah, she can drink you under the table so don't even try. Just because you were able to slam seven Smirnoff Ices one night back in high school doesn't mean a damn thing.
  • Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Wearing your lettermen's jacket to a college party is a great way to make a fool of yourself and can result in a mild to moderate beating.
  • Proclaiming your lack of sobriety during a party is just annoying and will show everyone at the party that you are an immature loser, and beer cans may or may not be thrown in your direction.
  • Some people may try to convince you to party in the dorms. Do not listen to these people, they are trying to trick you. Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshmen do it. You want to seem older, so unless it is your only choice that night, stay the fuck away.
  • When coming to a party, generally you will not know the owner of the house. So, you need to show some God damn respect. Do not show up with all of your retard friends. If you and your buddies wanna get your shits and giggles at a party bring all of these things: Money, beer and women. Since you don't know any chicks, just bring beer and money.
  • Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party, you'll probably wake up with balls on your face. (And if it's only marker, you're lucky.)
  • Trying to act tough is a successful way to get your ass kicked. I've seen it time and again. The freshman that thinks he is the shit because a couple girls gave him a hand job back in high school. Drop the ego at the door, kids.

College girls are different than high school girls. Getting to know girls in high school usually involved passing notes, dates and meeting disgruntled fathers. None of that in college. You can usually get laid just by drunkenly whispering that she has nice eyes and then gently finger blast her on your buddy's stain covered couch. After you are done, compliment your new lady friend on her moist vagina. Some lady people may request that you take them out in public and pay for activities/food while holding hands and looking deeply into each others eyes. These are called "dates." I would not recommend them mostly because they cost money that you need for beer and video games. If you must take a broad out on a "date," make it as cheap as possible. Some ideas: Take her to the local soup kitchen where both of you will learn many new things, including how to make methamphetamine. After your delicious dinner, take her shopping at The Salvation Army. She will most definitely swoon at your savvy self. All in all, it is important to remember to use protection. There are some crazy chicks out there so always carry a firearm in case you need to cap her bitch ass. Oh, and pull out.

Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. They do call if you threaten their life with a mechanical pencil though. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. This is where your new "friend from class" comes in. Just make sure that fucking nerd has your notes or else he'll pay the price of death. Another good reason to attend class is to meet girls. You won't find many in mechanical engineering or audio technician classes, because girls are dumb. Check out the classes that involve designing dresses or women's rights. You know, the bullshit ones. And finally, if possible, bang you r professor. If any college film from the last twenty years has taught us one thing, its that banging the professor will solidify good grades. Oh no, you only have guy professors? Time to bite the bullet, young gun.

College is a great time to expand your musical horizons. Most dorms will give you access to other people's Itunes, so steal away fuckers! Take all your neighbors shit. From The Doors to Lady GaGa, you never know when you might be in the mood for some "Poker Face." You are bound to run into those douche bags that think they know everything about music and tell you about bands you've never heard of. Make sure to pretend to listen to their theory on why The White Album influenced The Wall while you're banging his girlfriend. And, don't forget to memorize the favorite bands of the girl who you are currently Facebook stalking. It'll be a great conversation starter and much less creepy than complimenting her on the fifth picture on the bottom row of page twenty six of her photo album. Finally, don't forget that Dave Matthews Band and OAR will be played in every dorm across America, so start liking them.

Another antonym f or fun. They suck. Don't go to them unless you want to fall into a boredom coma. It will just be some overly exuberant upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." No thanks, I'd rather deep throat a cactus. If I wanted to do community service, I'd commit a crime. Anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with, doing arts and crafts and building team work. Fuck that, they don't even have booze. Other than sporting events, school sponsored events are entirely useless.

Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, (or roofying her) losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm to then have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there reading a stupid book. It is nearly impossible to say "get the fuck out" politely. Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a system wher you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with an arrangement or signal so they know what's up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail?" They will know that you need the room for sexual activity, or forget and say "Yeah dude, your test results came in, and you have like four different kinds of untreatable STDs ." And if they aren't there, but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm having consensual sex with a female" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked and was writing a song for. Or, you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything and wag your dick around them the first day you move in so they get used to it. It's your choice, really.

  • The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation, and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
  • Triple Crown: Once you turn 21 or get a fake ID, you will come to realize the true meaning of the term. It is when you go out to the bars, get shitfaced to the nth degree and then get kicked out of bar after bar after bar. 3 bars equals a Triple Crown, seven equals a night in the drunk tank.
  • Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. This is usually done before a party, so it won't later be described as a "fucking sausage fest." There is the "ice-breaker" that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" carries on the conversation and gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" gets the girls numbers or invites them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do since they are younger and have weak arms.
  • The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo, where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. I have yet to meet someone who has accomplished this feat, but once I do I will gladly shake his hand, and then immediately wash it.
  • The Box Blocker: The female version of The Cockblocker. Usually described by many as "fucking gross." She will go out with her much better looking female companions, and once they try to go home with a guy she will cause as much hell as she can until said females go back with her. Try to trap her early in the night by placing a pepperoni pizza under a box and then pulling the string once she goes for it.
  • The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features, but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Example: Boobs. They will get you every time. You'll be pretending to listen to her and just stare at her boobs and imagine all the fun you could have with them and then wake up the next morning regretting the fuck out of it.
  • The Bitch: The kid who follows you and your friends around and the only reason you allow this to continue is because he buys beer and food for you and your friends.
  • The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. Townies love talking about the history of the town and how they know everything about it. Your best bet is to ignore them or punch them in the ear.
  • The Mountain Dew Crew: A bag consisting of douches. Basically its a bunch of guys with Affliction shirts and tribal tattoos that come to a party and attempt to be the center of attention. They are easy to recognize because they will smell like Axe Body Spray and only drink Jager. Condescending comments are common and so are STDs. (Do not be lured into their counter culture of douchebaggery. I'm talking to you, ladies.)

  • Befriend the RA, or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her, they will bust you for drinking and give you that "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" face your mom has perfected so flawlessly.
  • Get a fake ID. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshmen Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends, or at least people will come into your room with a list of alcohol to buy, and you can make believe they are your friend.
  • Go to class every now and then. Believe it or not, you might even learn something.
  • Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
  • Always have condoms on you, or in your room. If its too late for condoms, buy a Plan B pill, if its too late for that, go through your closet and find a hanger --to hang up all the new baby clothes you are going to be buying. What did you think I was gonna say?
  • Buy a fan. Not only because it will get hot in your dorm but because it will smell like shit. Farts mixed with dry semen and old Easy Mac is not the best combination.
  • Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And it might even spark a little chemistry between you two.
  • Don't go home. Well, at least not right away. The retards that go home every other weekend end up dropping out and work at Dairy Queen. I know your friends back home are so fucking rad! But, meet some new mother fuckers.
  • Don't fuck a fatty. I'm begging you
So that's the updated version of The Freshman Survival Guide. I think every year I'm going to update this until I'm forty and my wife threatens divorce. Have fun out there kids, because before you know it you're gonna be that old dude at the bar that won't stop talking about his time in college. Like the great Black Eyed Peas once said long ago: "Get get get get get with us, you know what we say, party every day, pa pa pa party every day." Good Luck.

Updated 7/18/10

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