Tuesday, October 30, 2007

No. 39 "How To Make Friends. (On Campus)"

Making friends in college can be hard, its a new environment for a lot of people and can be a culture shock. Now, I met most of my friends at parties and social events, but you can make just as many friends walking around on campus. Here are some unhelpful, tongue-in-cheek tips...

The Bookstore Lady:
Say you're picking up some books and you come to the cashier and there stands in front of you the bookstore lady. She's 24, still in college, and has two kids. But, she's still a blast to kick it with, as long as you like watching Oprah and eating Ben & Jerry's.

The Food Court Guy:
This is the ex-con in his late twenties that works at one of the fabulous five star dining establishments on campus. He's tatted up and hasn't smiled since the 90's, but chillin' in his Mom's basement doing meth is so much fun!

The Students For Christ:
Every campus has the group of grinning Christians that set up shop spreading the word of that bearded dude. They are easy going and always invite you to awesome events. All these events do not include: promiscuous women, alcohol, good music, or fun.

The Protesters:
These are the crazy hippies that group up around campus spreading "information" that they just looked up on Wikipedia. A good way to introduce yourself is: "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I hate Bush." Your times together will be eventful and shower-free.

Your Professors:
The best way to make friends with your professors is to attend class (which I don't recommend) But, if you do this and bring up Socrates or Freud you will have the best of times while wearing matching sweater vests.

The Janitor:
To be friends with the janitors you first have to crack their secret language which sounds kind of like Spanish. Once you do this, make sure throw your lunch on the ground to get their attention, then bring up a conversation about mops. They will appreciate your straight forward approach.

The Gay/Straight Alliance:
Also a group that's on campus passing our fliers to events no one wants to go to. These guys and gals are fun, but if you are a fan of saying fag, homo, or lezbo, they may not be the best of friends for you. Also, don't hang around them when Students for Christ is watching... Bad News.

The Young Republicans:
These well dressed future business douches are usually quite picky about the people they surround themselves with, but since they have lost power in congress, they are allowing more members. Take advantage of that, and have fun not laughing and counting your money while watching Fox News (Warning: They do not like blacks, gays, Mexicans or independent thinkers.)

So there you go, you have your first new college friends. They may not be your stereotypical college friends, but I have just stereotyped everyone on campus, so I'm going to hell. Later!

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