Wednesday, October 17, 2007

No. 37 "Types of Friends."

Being a man of twenty one years I have realized that I have a lot of different types of friends. No friend is the same, read and I'm sure you have some of these friends too.

The Inside Joke
You and this friend can talk for days about shit that you both find hilarious but everyone else has no fucking idea what you're talking about. Its like a different language. "Holey socks!" "Ha ha ha... that's almost as funny as "Rebecca the robot" Yeah, see.

The Connection
This is your friend that always knows about parties. They are either on their way to a party, at a party, or know of seven parties. They are very useful and usually the first one you call to find a party.

The Mooch
You go with your friend to get some food or a club and they magically never have money. "Don't worry bro, I got ya next time." Next time he forgot his wallet. Great.

The Shit Show
I have a few of these friends. What ever you guys do together he needs to get his drink on. He's basically an alcoholic but would not be much fun sober... which you've never seen him be. It was normal at parties and tailgates, but who needs a shot of Jager at my little cousin's school play?

The Celeb
This guy is technically your friend but you don't really hang out with him. When you hang out with him its a special occasion and you tell all your other non-celeb friends. He likes you, but not as much as you like him.

The 89er
This is sometimes one of your friends younger brothers or freshmen, but he's cool enough to hang out. "89er" comes from the year most of them were born in. Most of your time is spent explaining what Saved By The Bell was and why Transformers were cool way before the movie.

The Dude With Boobs
This is your female friend that for some reason you are not attracted to at all and confuse with your guy friends. She can drink as much as you, watches football, and has boobs.

The Black Friend
The one or two black guys that hang out with you for some reason. You never miss a chance to take a picture with him and tell all your other white friends about the time he "went ghetto" on someone. You jokingly said the N word around him, your broken nose made sure that never happened again.

The Awesome
This dude is a golden god. You were on the varsity basketball team, he was on the state champion team. When ever you play sports together he makes a fool of you. Surprisingly, he is quite modest, unlike yourself.

The Scruff
This is your friend that refused to shave so he can look older. He is younger than you but looks older than your dad. He may never get laid because of his Grizzly Adams beard, but he can get into the club and you cant.

The Ferris Van Morris
This friend of yours has everything handed to him and acts like its no big deal. He's like Ferris Bueller, Zach Morris and Van Wilder mixed into one unstoppable dude.

You are confused why this douche is even your friend, but he is always around. Poker with the guys, he's there, just douching it up. His jokes are horrible and he is just a piece of shit, but he's your buddy, so yeah.

The Treasure Holder
This dude is cool, don't get me wrong. But, the only reason you kick it with him is when family weekend rolls around you can make a move on his hot sister. After you accomplish the feat, your friendship will suddenly diminish.

The Unstoppable Pimp
Similar to the Get Anything Friend, he gets any girl he wants. He's been with ten times the amount of girls as you but is clean by some miracle by God. Oh you like that girl? He nailed her last semester, when she was skinnier.

The Tank
This is your biggest friend. He is the size of Jerome Bettis. Whenever you're out with him you feel like you can talk shit to anyone. The only fights you get in are with him having your back. You never get a punch in, but who cares, you won.

The Grandpa
This friend is older so you always give him nicknames like "Blue" and "Old Man River." He acts like he doesn't care but one day he's gonna beat you with his cane. This friend is usually only 2.5 years older than you. Also, this is what The 89er calls you behind your back.

The Fucking Woman
You are almost positive that this dude is a chick. He gets his eyebrows waxed, takes baths and is dramatic as fuck... but he can still kick your ass.

The Smart Stoner
Just as it sounds, this friend smokes 5 pounds of weed a day but has double your GPA. He will smoke a bowl before a test for good luck... and it will work.

The Pop Culture Clusterfuck
As soon as Napoleon Dynamite was out he was all over that shit, quoting it every day. He watches 13 hours of TV a day and knows everything about everything that isn't important at all.

The Pussy
This is your friend that is in a long term relationship and can never go out. "Yo man, we're going to the bar, lets go!" Um... me and the girl are gonna watch Maid In Manhattan, sorry man." You sometimes wonder if assassinating his girlfriend would be that bad of an idea.

So there it is, I have very diverse and crazy friends, and each of these can relate to one of my friends... so go ahead and guess who you are.

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