Friday, January 19, 2007

No. 34 "How To Pick Up A Girl With A Boyfriend."

Don't you hate it when you start talking to a girl at a bar/party/urinal and you hit on her only to find out she has a boyfriend? Well boyfriends are just speed bumps in the game of life. You have to bring down her most likely stronger, cooler and better looking boyfriend so you can bang her. Tips...

He drives a cool car:
Fuck him. You probably drive a shitty car, and don't know shit about cars in the first place, but pretend you do. "Oh he has a 2005 Mustang? Well I have a 2009." "Um… I have a relative that works for Ford and he got me the super new model." "No, I swear to fucking God!" (That should assure she believes you.)

He's an athlete:
Jocks are lame and they are usually first in the picking order for hot babes. He's a tight-end for ASU? Pfft… I guess he wasn't good enough for quarterback. Don't worry that the two positions are completely different, she doesn't know anything about football.

He's in a gang:
Gangs are so 1995. Ask her how many bandannas he owns.

He's gonna be a firefighter:
This is a tough one because these guys are actually pretty badass, but you want this girl so you need to find a way to bring him down. Try this: "Pfft… yeah well I heard firemen beat black people" Although this is actually LAPD, she will believe you because she is a dumb girl. Anyways, most wannabe firefighters end up dropping out and work at Discount Tire.

He's in the Army:
Another hard one. Tell her that the army is for gays, (even though that's the Navy) and that her boyfriend's "army friends" are all part of a gay orgy club. Yeah… she'll believe that. Plus, we all know real men join the Marines. (That one's for you Damian)

He does charity work for kids:
He helps people? Ha ha. Tell her he probably works with kids because he has Michael Jackson complex.

He plays an instrument:
Yeah well, is he in a band? Oh he is? Well, I bet they suck. He's the lead singer? Your boyfriend is Anthony Keitis? Fuck.

He's in Greenpeace:
You actually don't have to lie to her on this one. Just let her know that her boyfriend is gay.

He's right next to me:

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