No. 23 "What We Really Mean."

We all know that women say things that really mean other things such as "fine" meaning "I'm not fine and if you piss me off I may castrate you." And "its nice" meaning "it sucks." But men do the same thing, so this is for all girls that want a look into the average man's amazing brain, here you go.

"You should come over tonight."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"Bring some friends"
-My friends have no game and rely on me to get them laid... or in most cases a bad hand job by your loose friend.

"You look hot."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I can't hang out tonight."
-I'm hanging out with another girl, and I don't think she's into threesomes.

"I've got to work in the morning"
-I hate cuddling and all guys do. I don't even have a job and plan to sleep in until 2 tomorrow.

"Um..." (In response to the question: does this make me look fat?)
-Yes, lose some weight immediately.

"I beat these three guys up and then fifteen cops came and chased after me and I got away."
-I punched a 15 year old kid, got chased by the security guard and now I am banned from the mall.

"I won't get it in your hair."
-I will, and I'll tell all my friends.

"Nice dress."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I would never lie to you."
-I lie to you all the time, and I'm lying to you right now.

"You girls should make out"
-You girls should make out and get naked.

"Your friend Stacy is pretty hot."
-Threesome?

"Oh, that's interesting."
-No that is not interesting and you need to get the hell out of my way, I'm watching football.

"Uh huh," "Yeah..." "Oh really?"
-All responses we use to act like we're interested in your over drawn story about your day.

"I'm Pregnant."
-Oh, I'm sorry that's for girls. It really means "I don't want to lose you so maybe by lying about just about the biggest thing will help me keep my man." It also means "I'm a psycho."

No. 22 "How To Trick A Girl."

You're having a girl over your dorm/apartment to watch a movie or for a study sesh or whatever and you really wanna get with her, but you don't know how to make the move from your home court. Its easy at some random frat party because girls go to those with condoms in their back pockets, but this is different. Here are some tips for turning your average co-ed get together into an all night fuck fest:

Steal Her Keys:
You have this young lady in your room and you want her to stay the night but you're not sure if she wants to stay. This is what you have to do, when she goes to the bathroom go through her purse and find her keys. Hide them. If she catches you going through her purse change the subject and demand she give you back your sweater from last semester. She will be confused because she didn't even know you last semester so hopefully she'll forget about the whole going-through-the-purse fiasco. Once she realizes that she doesn't have her keys, help her look for them even though you're smirking because they're in your pocket. She won't be able to drive or get into her place so she'll be forced to stay the night in your loving arms.

The Weather is Horrible:
This is all in God's hands. So pray to God that he gets you laid, if he wants you to get laid he'll have a tornado inside of a hurricane nestled inside a box of blizzards. But... you may have to exaggerate the weather conditions or tell her a story of your imaginary friend that died walking back home in the rain. Using monsters and serial killers in your stories helps too.

"Special" Tea:
Girls love tea so go make her a nice cup of tea. But instead of boiled water use Everclear. If she complains about the taste, get all uppity with her and tell her it's your dead grandma's special recipe. She will drink it all out of pity and within 20 minutes you will have a completely wasted girl in your room. And remember roofies are illegal so don't use them unless you get her permission.

Sympathy Vote:
This is for all you Emo kids out there. Girls love to empathize. So come up with a bullshit story about how lonely you are and how you need to be with someone tonight. Don't go too psycho though, we don't want her calling the suicide hot-line.

Broken Doorknob:
This only works in dorms since there is usually only one door. When you close the door, break the doorknob. That way you're both stuck and you pretty much have to have sex. Doorknobs are only like twenty bucks and you've got plenty of Easy Mac dinners to keep you both from starving.

Make It Obvious:
While you're both studying or hanging out make sure she knows you wanna bone. Start by playing some Marvin Gaye. Girls can't resist his music and clothes should come off after the third or fourth song. Tell her to get you a pen in your desk drawer. Instead of pens in the drawer, fill it with condoms, all Magnums. This will show you are prepared and she will think highly of you. Then leave your cell phone next to her. Girls love going through our shit. She'll go through your pictures and make sure to have a picture of your dick. This will definitely turn her on. Then in the middle of your rented copy of "Failure to Launch" that you didn't want to see in the first place change the DVD to a hardcore porn. She will see the porn and want to emulate it. Congratulations, you just got laid!

In the end, you need to change this good natured hang out between "friends" into a night of regret and embarrassment for her. And if none of my tips work... kill yourself. No, just kidding you should just severely injure yourself.

No. 21 "How To Break Up With Yourself."

I know how it is. You're dating a girl and you just get to a point where you get tired of them and want to break up. But, you want to avoid the crying and/or punching that will result in the break up. There's a solution: Break up with yourself. Do or say things that will make her hate you and never want to talk to you again. Thus, you are left without the guilt of breaking her heart. Here are some tips:

• Change you phone number and "forget" to tell her. "Oh, I'm sorry honey I forgot to give you my new number. Yeah I guess it has been two weeks since we've seen each other, how silly of me."
• Agree to do favors for her and the don't do them. "Sure I'll pick you up from the airport." Don't go and then pretend that she never told you in the first place.
• Point out how hot other girls are when you are both out doing things or just tell her that her sister is better looking than her.
• If she has gained weight since you started dating her, point out older pictures and "how thin she was back then." If she hasn't gained weight find really old pictures of her. "I was in 7th grade then!" "Well, you looked good."
• Send her a text message saying "I can't wait to see you tonight, Sally." Her name is Jessica.
• Call out the wrong name in bed. Use her mother's name.
• If you are in a pretty new relationship tell her you love her. This is pretty much relationship poison.
• Sob uncontrollably.
  
• Find something she is really against and do that. Beat small animals or start smoking, what ever makes her tick.
• Call her "woman" instead of "baby" or "honey." Telling her that "doing dishes and making dinner is her job" also works.
• Tell her that you hate all her friends and she can only be friends with your friends.
• Stop shaving, gain some weight, stop brushing your teeth and showering. This should make you completely undesirable and undateable.
• And if none of that works, just start dating other girls without telling her and then once she finds out tell her you're a polygamist.

No. 20 "The Freshmen Survival Guide."

Being a junior in college now, I've learned a lot of things about college. What to do, what not to do. So this is for you: my incoming freshman friends. The Freshman Survival Guide.

DORMS:
Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell. If you picked your roommate you will either have a great first year or you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. Good Luck!

FRIENDS:
Sorry, this is not like the pamphlet that the school gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing kids in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, pick them wisely.

PARTIES/DRINKING:
Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your books and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" I know you're excited about college parties, but don't make the mistake of being "that guy" and doing something retarded and remember that until graduate school. Here are some things NOT to do at parties:

• Don't do more than 3 keg stands. I don't know what your "high school parties" were like but this is college, you're partying with pros... you won't be able to out drink anyone.
• Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Get over it.
• Saying how wasted you are doesn't impress anyone, it just points out to everyone that you're new to college.
• You break something, you die. Easy as that.
• Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshman do it.
• You pay. Unless you're a girl, you aren't partying for free.
• Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party you'll probably wake up with balls on your face.
• Don't come to a party with 10 dudes and no chicks. You're 18, that's plenty old enough to talk to some girls. C'mon now.

GIRLS:
College girls are different than high school girls. They don't give a shit about how popular you were in high school. Its all about the here and the now. Make a good impression, take her out, fuck her, then never call her again. Ha ha, I'm only kidding. Call her back when you have an off night and get no play and don't wanna whack it to broadband porn another night. I have no soul.

CLASS:
Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. Just make sure you have your needed notes, own the book, know what the class is about, and have a friend that's good at that shit. Or, you could always cheat.

MUSIC:
You will hear Dave Matthews Band, The Beatles, The Doors, and Sublime everyday. Start liking them.

SCHOOL SPONSORED EVENTS:
They suck, don't go to them. It will just be some overly happy upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." Yeah, that's fucking lame. If I wanted to do community service I'd commit a crime. And anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with. Stay away from these.

THE CHARACTERS/TERMS:

• The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
• Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. There is the "ice-breaker": that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" then tells a story or gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" that gets the girls numbers or gets them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do.
• The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. Very hard to do and even harder to believe.
• The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Watch out.
• The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. To have sex with a townie will ruin your reputation forever.
• The Older Dude: Usually in their mid-twenties, still trying to bang freshman. (A la "Dazed and Confused") They suck at life, make sure they know.

GETTING LAID:
Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm and then you have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there and don't know how to say "get the fuck out." Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a way you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with a system or signal so they know whats up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail." They will know that you need to room for sexual activity. Or, if they aren't there but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm Fucking" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked. Or you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything. Its up to you.

TIPS/ADVICE:

• Befriend the RA... or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her they will bust you no doubt.
• Get a fake. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshman Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends.
• Go to class every now and then. Its cool to party all the time, but being kicked out of college sucks and you don't wanna be one of those losers.
• Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
• Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And I know for a fact that I have raised several of my grades because the professor knew me well.
• Fuck your TA. The TA grades a lot of the tests and papers and is usually only two or three years older. Have sex with them and you will get good grades. Who needs morals?

In the end, college will be the best 4, 5, or 6 years of your life. High School ain't got shit on college. Have fun, do crazy shit, and don't fucking fail out.

Good Luck.

No. 19 "Random Thoughts Part 8."

A balloon is the only thing you can't "put down." You can "put it up" though.

Girls: If you ever do something with a guy and say "don't tell anyone, this is between you and me," he will be texting and myspaceing his friends faster than you can say "I'm a kill that asshole."

If I see another asshole with one of those bluetooth ear pieces of shit I'm gonna slap a hoe. Who the fuck do you think you are? The secret service? No one cares that you have friends and they call you. Its probably your mom on the line anyways you fag.

I want to learn a foreign language, go to a place where there's a lot of people that speak that language, act like a retard, have them talk shit about me in their language, and then confront them, telling them that I know what they said. Too much work? Probably.

Whenever I'm driving and there's a fly in my car I forget I am driving and my only prerogative is the destroy this fly. Forget watching the road, my speed, or children in crosswalks. There is a fly in my space and he must die.

I was at the mall the other day and they had one of those kiosks that had these brick looking things that polish your nails. I walk by and the girl that worked there was like "Hey, come over here, I wanna show you something." She was cute and didn't look like a rapist so I went over and she took my hand and polished one of my finger nails. I was totally caught off guard. What the fuck! I'm a guy, I don't give a shit about my nails. And my one nail was so damn shinny. I spent all day trying to dirty it up and make it look un-girly. Watch out for these kiosk finger-nail rapists.

My mom always talks about how she doesn't like the fact that I drink under-age. But, the last three gifts she's gotten me were: Guinness board shorts, a beer pong shirt, and a shot glass from Spain.

How come every McDonald's commercial I see with black people in it they're always ordering the chicken sandwich. Fucking McRacists.

It's funny seeing the new freshman class this year, all young and naive. But by Thanksgiving most will drop out, gain 20 lbs, or be pregnant. Oh, college.

Anyone that calls a girl a "goofball" is automatically a douche ball.

No. 18 "Pizza Slut."

Well, I just finished my job at Pizza Hut. After working there for two summers, I thought I'd write a little blog about some experiences I've had and some lessons I've learned.

TIPPING:
I drove your damn pizza all the way to your house -- and before I go further, I delivered in a wide range. Central avenue all the way to 90th street. There were a lot of dirt roads, it wasn't easy finding some of these damn houses. A tip is not included, you need to reach into your wallet and give me some money!
-No Tip-$1: You are a cheap bastard and I will run over your dog out of spite.
-$1-2: You are also cheap but I won't run over your dog, just your cat because I hate cats.
-$2-3: Eh, you could do better, but I'll leave your pets alone.
-$3-5 Solid tip, I'll say Thank You.
-$5-10 You're a bad ass and you can have as many crushed peppers and parmesan cheese as you want!
-$11+ I'm on my knees...

DOGS:
I'm not scared at dogs at all, I love them, but about 80% of the house I went to had "Beware of Dog" signs on their property. And one of my friends that worked at Pizza Hut actually developed a fear of dogs, (what a pussy.) Some of the houses I delivered to had some ugly motherfucking dogs. They were some multi-breed of half-wolf/half-dog/half-monster. Not many chihuahuas.

EAST SIDE v. WEST SIDE:
Pizza Hut is on 48th street and we deliver pretty far in both directions. They are very different sides though. The west side has lots of dirt roads, wild animals, horses, and hillbillies. The East Side has nice ass houses and no rabid animals attacking me. The east side always tips better, so if I'm taking two deliveries I always go to the east side first and the west side has to settle for cold pizza.

Hillbillies/Red Necks:
I fucking hate them, and I get to deliver to them every damn day. This is what an average hillbilly is like:
-Confederate flag on their truck.
-Random car parts in the front yard.
-Wild animals running around.
-Seven malnourished kids, all within a year of each other.
-A Texas accent even though they're born and raised in AZ.
-Chew tobacco they spit on your shoe, then drop kick you with their spurs.
-Five hundred and thirty eight Private Property and Beware of Dog signs.
-They answer the door with a shotgun in hand.
-65 cents is a good tip, boy.

MY BOSSES:
I had a general manager and three assistant managers that were my "bosses," but not once did I ever listen to them or respect them. Rick was the GM and he was cool as hell, when the other assistant managers would tell me to tuck in my shirt, I'd be like "I'm pregnant, I can't" and Rick would agree with me. I was a year older than all my assistant managers so obviously I have seniority over them. They needed help with a table -- too bad, I'm busy sitting down. One time my assistant manager Chris was mad because there was a bunch of dishes that hadn't been done. I told him that he better get busy and take care of them. He took me off the drivers list and told me to do the dishes, I politely told him to fuck off and walked away. After doing approximately four dishes he came in and put me back on the drivers list because he forgot that he needed me and Pizza Hut would die without me. He never bothered me again.

COMPLAINTS:
-The Pizza isn't good -- too bad, I didn't make it.
-The Pizza is late -- Well, there was traffic or the cooks took too long to make it or something else that doesn't point the finger at me. It's not my fault, I'm only the driver
-The order is wrong -- you must have ordered it wrong, all of our Pizza Hut employees couldn't get it wrong, they all have PH.d's
-You forgot my ranch -- You don't need it, fatty.
-Your shirt isn't tucked in -- Fuck You.
-The pizza is cold -- You have an oven, use it, bitch.


All in all, Pizza Hut was a laid-back job and I made a lot of money. It was fun to work there and it will suck having a job where I can't tell my bosses to fuck off or to wake me up when a delivery comes because I'm gonna take a nap.

No. 17 "Random Thoughts Part 7."

I think its pretty crazy the way people express themselves through bumper stickers. You can practically know someone just from the back end of their car. For example: People who put political stickers on their cars. DUMB ASSES. Put a Bush/Cheney sticker on your car at a Dave Matthews concert if you want it to get keyed. Girls that put their sorority letters on their car are retards. You might as well put a RAPE ME sticker on your car.

Every porn starts with "I've never done this before" even though they obviously have. So you were just born with that gaping wound you call a vagina? Fuck those liars

Its funny watching those phone sex commercials. The girls are always gorgeous and roaming around in bikinis at 3 am, but you gotta know its your aunt's middle-aged friends sitting in their trailer on the other line.

Have you ever noticed there is no Food City in Scottsdale and no AJ's Fine Foods in the ghetto. I have.

I hate it when I'm on AIM and have my away message on and someone IM's me. Its like being at my house with my door locked and someone breaks down my door.

I'm not against drunk driving, I'm just against DUIs.

I'm not an angry drunk, I'm an angry sober. If I'm at a party and there's no booze. I'm busting skulls.

Cops are impossible to please. They tell you to move your car, you move it, and ask if its OK. And they're like "Well, that works I guess." I don't know what it is with cops that made them such assholes. Its either they were bullies in high school and wanna still boss people around with the little power they have or they were nerds and wanna get back at "cool people" by busting parties and handing out MICs. Fuck the police.

Its stupid how some people use their top 8/16/20 as a ranking system or take it out on people. Example: "OMG, Sally didn't call me back, I'm totally bumping her to #8!" You can't do that in real life.

Here's what the phrase "He's/She's not my type" really means: They are ugly.

No. 16 "The Fake World."

As a TV and movie advocate, (AKA someone who has too much time on their hands,) I have a vast knowledge of "The Fake World." What is the Fake World you may be asking your computer screen? Well the fake world is what writers and producers create, and you watch and believe that it is real. I have grown up on TV and movies and it has taught me everything I know about sex, girls, drugs, alcohol, parties, and friends. Now I will make a list of the most important life lessons I have learned from The Fake World.

SAVED BY THE BELL:

• Parents don't exist and I can do whatever I want. All I need is a little charm, a cool zig-zag t-shirt, and some bleach blonde hair.
• All my friends are in every single one of my classes.
• Nerds have funny voices and always wear high pants, glasses, and have messy hair. And despite being smart, Zach and his D+ average can always trick them.
• Jocks wear their letterman jackets every day.
• You can stop time by saying "time out" and making the appropriate symbol with your hands.
• Drinking a sip of beer will lead you to wreck your car.
• No matter how much mischief you cause, how much homework you don't do, and how much trouble you get into, the principal will give you a "Ohhh Zach..." and forget about everything.
• You can get in UCLA just because of high SAT scores even though you slacked off all four years in high school and rarely went to class.
• There's no such thing as black people.

FULL HOUSE:

• Bob Saget is funny.
• If you get upset you can just run away from your problems and dramatic music will play and nobody will come after you.
• Twenty people can live in one house.
• Mullets are cool.
  
• "Paaalease" said by a 4 year old is funny.
• A 40 year old man (Danny) bickers with a 13 year old (Kimmy) girl every week.
• You can conquer any issue or problem that comes your way in a 30 minute time period. And if its really bad, it will all be settled next week.
• San Fransisco doesn't have any homosexuals.
  
• Having a sip of alcohol at your school dance is the worst thing in the world.

BOY MEETS WORLD:

• You will have a teacher that is also your neighbor that follows you from middle school to high school to college just because he "happens" to have a PhD.
• You will fall in love and marry the first girl you ever dated.
• If you are poor, you can complain about it all the time.
• If you wear a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle, you are automatically the "cool teacher."
• You can disappear for 4 years, and come back for one episode because "you were on the other side of the school."
• Its easy to be brainwashed by cults.
• You can tell a girl that you will only date her for two weeks and she'll be fine with it.
• You will go to the same college as your best friend, girlfriend and brother.