Thursday, April 29, 2010

No. 112 "College Student Finds Out His 21st Birthday Is On A Tuesday."

CORVALLIS, OR—After going through his iPhone's calendar application while sitting on the toilet, twenty year old college student Richie Johnston determined that his 21st birthday was on a Tuesday. Once he got home, he checked his computer and Google, but ultimately succumbed to the fact that his power hour was the night of August 24th, a Monday.

Generally, "Power Hours" are a coming of age for young adults where the guest of honor will meet with friends outside a local watering hole until the clock strikes midnight. After which, he or she will attempt to consume twenty one shots of alcohol within the one or two hour window, or until they are removed by security or coroners.

"This is so fucking gay," the Oregon State junior said once he learned the news. "Those damn leap years screwed everything up. I wish my parents would have boned three days earlier so I could have a legit power hour."

"Why the hell are you interviewing me?" said Richie's father Bob Johnston. "He needs to get his ass in gear and focus on school. I could give a shit less about him not having a good birthday. I didn't refinance my mortgage so he could get piss drunk on a Monday night with his dip shit buddies." Mr. Johnston added that he was on his third tour in Vietnam for his 21st birthday "getting shot at by Chinamen."

After learning about the date of his birthday, Richie created a Facebook event to notify his guests on the time and location of his power hour. Of the 127 invitees, only three guests have clicked on "attending," while six others have said "maybe." This has angered Richie, who is considering de-friending many of the people who are choosing not to attend his event.

Richie's fraternity brother Johnny Rusch celebrated his power hour several weekends ago, which was on a Saturday, and approximately seventy five people attended the event at Murphy's Pub in downtown Corvallis. According to reports, the night ranged from "pretty chill" to "fucking insane." Unfortunately, Richie could not attend the event since he was not of age to enter a bar. Although he unsuccessfully tried to jump over a metal fence to gain access to the bar before being escorted out of the establishment by Murphy's Pub security.

Richie originally considered changing his power hour to the subsequent Friday, but after talking it over with several acquaintances, decided that it would be "uber lame," and could lead to people forgetting about his birthday and refusing to buy him expensive shots of alcohol. "We talked it over and figured out that if its three days past your birthday, that's just too far of a stretch" said bro Frankie Delhomme as he took a swig from a Natural Ice can. "No one really cares anymore."

When reached for comment, Richie's roommate Edwin "Moose" Willingham III acknowledged that he would attend the event, despite it being scheduled on a Monday. "I like to get fucked up, I don't care what day it is. Shit, I'm blitzed right now." Adding that he was looking forward to becoming overly intoxicated and fraternizing with "young beezies."

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