Thursday, April 8, 2010

No. 110 "Summer Camp."

Summer is creeping up on us, and we all know what that means! No, not pool parties with half naked coeds and beer bongs – summer camp! Now, many of my eleven readers are probably too old to be going to sleep away camps during the summer so their parents can catch up on some much needed boning. But, that doesn't mean that we can't all look back and remember the camps of our youth. We can all conjure up the time our dads dropped us off at the meet up spot, and then immediately sped off to Sam's Club to buy an economy pack of Trojans. Lets reminisce...

Movie Camp:
Is your child the next Steven Spielberg or Roman Polanski? Then Movie Camp is for them! This is where dreams come true and all the boys and girls can get the experience needed to become a Hollywood big shot (Or at least work as a 3rd Assistant director on an adult feature.) The camp will be run by failed director 9th grade video technology teacher, Gary Valance, who loves to talk about his feisty cats. Within the first couple days of camp, positions will be assigned. Some kids will act, work the cameras or edit the film. The others will be given important jobs that included: moving cables and "staying out of the damn shot." At the end of the camp, all involved will receive a VHS copy of the shitty movie they made, and can show it to family as they pretend to be impressed.
Camp Length: 4 weeks. (The actual time real movies are shot in, so you know its legit.)
Camp Cost: A lot more than you think, equipment is pricey.

Sports Camp:
This is for all the athletic kids, or the less athletic kids who don't want to go to fat camp. At Sports Camp, a group of fired P.E. teachers will arrange a variety of different sports and activities the kids can participate in. This will enable sportsmanship, teamwork, and getting reamed with dodge balls by older, larger children. We're safe at Sports Camp. Before participating in all these rad activities, everyone must stretch forty eight different ways to make sure no one cramps up. From soccer to squash, there's plenty of fun for all all ages! Each child will be allowed one bathroom break per day and receive one eight ounce bottle of water every four hours.
Camp Length: 2 1/2 weeks, or until someone has a heat stroke.
Camp Cost: $835 plus the cost of extra balls that go over the wall.

Church Camp:
Sorry Jews, no Jesus killers allowed. Church camp is for everyone all Christians, whether your child is a good God-fearing individual, or in need of spiritual discipline. During your child's time at Church Camp, we will be singing songs while holding hands and swaying, participating in arts & crafts that bring them closer to our lord, and have long moments of reflection right before lunch that seem to last forever. There will be a special guest appearance by the local bishop, and hell, Jesus might even stop by. Unfortunately, last year a child lost their virginity during their time at our camp (And not in the good way, like Mary did.) Note to any campers looking to do the same: you may get high-fived by all the other campers, but Jesus will leave you hanging.
Camp Length: Eternity in hell if they don't go.
Camp Cost: You can't put a price on God's love. ($995)

Weight Loss Camp:
So, Sports Camp didn't work last year? Weight Loss Camp can do the trick! There will be no burgers and hot dogs at Weight Loss Camp, only crunches and tears. Campers will not be making bird feeders out of pine cones and peanut butter, they will be starved put on a strict diet by experienced nutritionists. Unlike the motion picture classic Heavyweights, no campers will be saved by a sweet overweight counselor, and learn to appreciate that its whats inside you, not outside you that counts. They will succumb to the camp leader, and rooms will be checked for junk food every hour. During the last week, the campers will get to participate in a multi-tiered competition with another camp filled with athletic children set on dominating them thoroughly. Your child will come back home skinnier and full of self esteem instead of rolls of fat.
Camp Length: Until their fat asses are in shape.
Camp Cost: How much is your child's health worth? That much.

Adventure Camp:
If you're the outdoorsy type who enjoys wearing fanny packs and shitting in the woods, then adventure camp is for you! Who needs cabins and beds when you can spend half a day setting up tents and then freeze your ass off in the cold before being mauled by a bear. Adventure camp is full of – you guessed it, adventures! An overly exuberant "outdoorsman" will lead your child down trails where dinosaur bones might have been, into a volcano where lava used to come out of, and to a picnic table where everyone will be served "extreme" Sloppy Joe's. (One per camper.) Put down your deposit for Adventure Camp today and be given a free plastic compass that will break before camp even begins.
Camp Length: Until the adventure is over! OK, actually three weeks.
Camp Cost: A mortgage payment.

Drama Camp:
Is your child talented? Do they love acting and/or singing? Think they might be a homosexual? Well, then drama camp is perfect for them! This year, the camp will be run by ten-year dinner theater actor Kenneth Flowers (who we haven't run a background check on yet, so this may change.) During your child's time at drama camp, they will learn how to improvise, the art of method acting and how to break into song for no apparent reason at all. Camp will conclude with a performance put on by our campers, and premiere at an assisted living facility. Remember, without the skills your child will learn at our camp, they will probably end up being a transient/mime working on Venice Beach six years from now. And nobody loves a mime.
Camp Length: Until we get it right.
Camp Cost: Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred dollars, that's how you measure the cost of the camp.

Science Camp:
Perfect for all nerds, geeks and social outcasts. At Science camp your child will learn how important science is in our every day life. They will learn about gravity, weight measurements and evolution other exciting things! Not only will they expand their mind while taking notes from a power point presentation and assigned readings. They will be participating in, and conduct their own science experiments (under strict adult supervision, must of the time.) We will even play with dry ice and make a bomb out of it, then throw it at wildlife. And the best part is, no physical activity required! Sign up today and your child will receive no girlfriends until his late twenties.
Camp Length: The distance from the earth to the moon. Just kidding, 3 1/2 weeks.
Camp Cost: ((3x^2 - 27)/4) * ((8x^2)/(9 - 3x)) / ((x^2 + 3x)/6)

Juvenile Delinquency Camp:
If your child is misbehaving, committing petty crimes or is black, Juvenile Delinquency Camp may be your last hope before they end up in prison for life or start giving sexual favors for narcotics. Some like to label our camp as "Jail Camp," but its much more than that. Here at JDC, we are all about respect and discipline. After you sign the vaguely worded permission slip, we will be allowed to do just about anything to your child until he or she stops being such a smart ass. Its not all doom and gloom though. There will be athletic training courses with former drill instructors and a meet and greet with convicted felons aiming to lead your children away from crime with profanity and scare tactics. Sign your child up, before he robs my ass.
Camp Length: 5 weeks-life.
Camp Cost: Just sell all the items your child stole and give us the money.

So whether you're a God fearing non-Jew, a nerd who is afraid of athletic competition or a youth tough looking for a new path, there is a camp out there for you. Just remember to come to camp ready to learn, have fun and make friends with kids you promise to keep in touch with but eventually forget three weeks later.

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