Tuesday, April 13, 2010

No. 111 "Drunk Friend Levels."

We all have different types of friends. Some are tall, some wear lifts and say they're two inches taller than they really are. Some are smart, some get pissed when you call them dumb on Facebook and then try to defend their intelligence with a reply full of grammatical and spelling errors. And some drink a little, some knock over popcorn machines and then fall down the stairs. What I'm trying to get at is that there are different levels of drunkeness among friends. We all have a 1.0 and a 10.0 in our social circle. What's the difference between a 1.0 and a 10.0? Read on...

The type of friend that rarely goes out, and if he/she does, they usually order a water. They get aggravated when others make fun of their lack of drinking skills and are much better fighters due to their sobriety and lack of swaying and falling on the ground.

This friend will have a drink with you, but that's about it. They'd much rather participate in lame activities like hiking, mountain biking, and (God forbid) volunteering. Rarely will they stay at a party past twelve due to their participation in a 5K the next morning.

Stoner who drinks sometimes, but always mentions that the party would be "chiller" if he had some weed. His querulous attitude gets annoying after a while, especially when he eats all your fucking food.

A lightweight. Sure, they love drinking as much as the next guy, but they rarely make it past six drinks. Sometimes this has to do with their age (One of the many reasons I don't party with middle schoolers anymore.) Other times its because they're just pussies. Have fun writing on them once they pass out around 11:30.

Busy with other shit like a real job or annoying serious girlfriend. Prone to say things such as: "Naw man, I can't make it out tonight. Gotta watch Dancing With The Stars with the gee eff. Totally gonna get a little buzz on and maybe touch her with my wang."

This friend is always looking to add another notch to his bedpost. He'll show up to the bar or party with a handful of bitches, or looking for his next sexual conquest. Rarely will he stay up until sunrise playing beer pong and shotgunning tall boys because he's busy banging your sister in the other room.

Active, down-for-what-eva type. Mixes everything with Mountain Dew. Camping trip with a couple thirties? In. Beer festival? Down. Hittin' up the lake to pound some brews and wakeboard? Brotally!

Loves to drink, but can hold a job, girlfriend, and function in society. They have no problem getting blackout drunk, but always make sure to set their alarm so they can make it to work or school. Albeit hungover as hell.

You don't even really consider him/her a friend, more of a drinking buddy. If you take the time to look back at every time you hung out with this friend, you come to realize that it was always on the weekend at night. Except for a couple day parties here and there. They will rarely participate in sports that don't involve the words "pong," "keg," or "naked."

Tens will fight you every time you go out and drink with them. They take vodka shots at brunch, and can't go anywhere sober. Your fiancé won't allow him at your wedding because "he'll probably try to fuck the cake." He also has a propensity to go to children's birthday parties, baptisms and quinceanera blasted out of his mind.

So, whether you're a 1.0 that ends up beating up your friends for making fun of your lack of drinking skills, or a 10.0 who ruins religious and cultural events with your rampant alcoholism, there are all types of drunk friends. Which one are you?

1 comment:

Raf said...

Fuck. I think I've been every Level on that list AT LEAST once in my life.

I'd like to think that I am no longer a 10, but it wasn't too long ago I was at my cousin's wedding, hammered and openly mocking Jesus in a Catholic Church.

That and hitting on Adam's sister and then falling on my fucking face.

God... glad that I'm toning it down.

Also, "Brotally" = Brolarious

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