Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No. 49 "First Date."

Ah, the first date. It can either be the start of a beautiful relationship between boy and girl or could end with a glass of Chardonnay in your face after an off-color joke. Either way, you have a story to tell your buddies. Here are some helpful tips on how to ruin your first date with a nice young lady.

Start With A Nice Gift:

-Some people start a date off with flowers or a plush toy, but you want to be original and leave a real impression on her. Condoms and lube will do the trick. She may act surprised or even angry, but she's just playing hard to get. And frankly, you're just being safe.

Equal Rights:
-Chivalry is dead, and ladies will think you're a pussy if you don't follow protocol. Things to avoid: opening doors, listening to her, and paying for dinner. Equal rights are a part of some amendment, and we wouldn't want a lawsuit on our hands, now would we?

-A great conversation is important for date chemistry. Tell her some stories about the crazy chicks you've banged and never called again. This will intrigue her and make her think that you are a regular Ron Jeremy.

Dining Etiquette:
-You don't want to be boring during the dinner section of your rendezvous. So take a couple shots and pound a couple brews before you order. Then, being the gentleman you are, order for her. Oh, she's allergic to tomatoes? Well she's just going to have to deal with it. Being open to new things is important on a first date. Burping will let the chef know that the meal was delicious and barfing on the table will let the bartender know when to cut you off.

While She's Freshening Up:
-When she kindly excuses herself to go to the ladies room to call her friends and tell them about what an amazing date she is having, start going through her purse. You can find out more about a girl through her purse than through her yapping. Also, while in her purse, grab some goodies for yourself. (Credit cards, Social security cards, ect.)

Being Kind To Your Dining Staff:
-Hitting on your waitress and grabbing her ass will just make your date want you more. It is a proven fact that girls want what they can't have. So, if your date believes that you and the waitress might eventually become an item, she will try harder for your attention. You sly dog you.

Making The First Move:
-Once you wipe the puke off your mouth go for that momentary first kiss. She may try to turn her head or call security, but being persistent is important on a first date.

Planning A Second Date:
-Once you walk your date to her door it is vital to get her phone number so you two can have an even better second date. If she refuses, you always have the goodies you got from her purse so you can find/stalk her for months to come.

It is important to note that these tips are not 100% guaranteed. Results may vary. Side effects include:

-Crotch Kicking.
-Reputation ruining.
-Mace-in-eyes disorder.
-Keyed Car Syndrome
-And Dandruff.

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