Tuesday, July 29, 2008

No. 51 "You Got Served, Bitch."

Ah, working. It’s the best, especially when your job’s main focus is customer service, AKA kissing ass with a smile. I kiss so much ass at work my lips get chapped. I’ve been a server for a few months now, and you learn a lot about life and people while handing out Ice Teas and serving spaghetti. Being a server, you learn to change the way you talk and act around different people, and I thought I’d write a blog about working in the food service industry, and what I’ve learned so far.

As many that work as a server know, pleasing the customer is key. If you want a good tip you gotta do a few things. (Unless you’re a chick, then all you gotta do is be hot.) First, don’t use profane language or racial slurs around the customers, many find this offensive for some reason. Families like to come into restaurants and a lot of the time they bring kids. It’s not recommended to tell the kids to shut the fuck up or smack them in the back of the head. Parents usually don’t appreciate this. And finally, attempt “giving a fuck.” When they tell you what they want to eat, you may want to write it down and put the order into the computer. You probably don’t want to decide what they are going to eat for yourself, or ask for extra cheese on the pasta when they are deathly allergic. Important tips for the future, folks.

Employee relations is also a vital ingredient in a restaurant. Normally there are two different groups in a restaurant. The English speaking people (Servers, Managers, Hostesses) and Mexicans. (Cooks, Dishwashers) Bridge this gap by getting to know the other group. If you are a server, chat with one of the cooks and if you are a dish washer, translate this blog into Spanish and flirt with the underage hostess. Personally I have crossed over to the other group and get along great with the cooks. They love to joke around though, by cooking my orders late and spraying hot water at me. But, its alright because they have a special nick name for me: Perra Muda.

Getting along with your boss isn’t always easy for everyone. A lot of bosses ask a lot from their employees like coming into work on time… and sober! I know, a bit uptight. It’s hard to roll out of bed at 4 pm sober and in work attire. When talking shit about your boss, you may want to look around for them, bosses don’t exactly like walking up when you are calling them a cunt muscle. Bosses also don’t really like when you sleep at work, especially on the table you are in the middle of serving. It gets in the way of their entrees. Talking on your cell phone while smoking a cigarette inside might not be the best idea either. Just do one or the other, you need your other hand to bring drinks to your table.

At times, you will get a “difficult” table. (AKA old fucks) These delightful senior citizens might need you to repeat the specials a few dozen times, complain that you gave them the wrong food when they just forgot what they ordered, or give you a 5% tip. You have to treat each table the same, respectfully. There is no need to spit in their food, change the amount of tip they give you on their credit card receipt or knock over their wheel chair. Another “difficult” group that comes into restaurants are teenagers. They are really cool with their sunglasses on inside and their blonde tipped hair. Oh look! That kid is blowing bubbles in his root beer. How hilarious and clever! Teenagers will also leave great tips, 45 cents on a $20 tab? Its my lucky day!

And finally, Server Lingo will take affect within the first week of working at a restaurant. What is server lingo you say to your computer screen? Well it is the words and phrases you say while working but never say anywhere else. You will say “folks” more times on your first day than you will have had said in the previous 21 years of your life. For some retarded reason I say “Absolutely” every chance I get. “Excuse me, could I get more ranch?” Absolutely. “Could we get the check?” Absolutely. “My son is choking, some one help!” Absolutely Not. I also use my server voice instead of my regular awesome voice. My server voice is super lame. It always sounds like I’m talking to a bunch of 3rd graders going on a field trip.

Well those are my thoughts on the food service industry. Its not the easiest job in the world. You do have to show up sober, kiss wrinkly old people ass and try not to assault children. But, its all worth it for the 45 cents you get at the end of the day. So there you go, you have just been served, bitch.

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