No. 44 "My Bucket List."

I'm getting older in age, and I decided to write down the things I would like to do before I die, a Bucket List. Not a shitty buddy movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Here are some things I would like to do before I croak...

Fart So Bad a Skunk Dies From The Smell
-I've had some pretty bad ones, but to make a skunk die from the smell would put a smile on my face.

Cock Slap One of Those Dumb Bitches That Asks Too Many Questions During Class
-You know these smart asses that as soon as class is wrapping up they have their retarded theories and questions they want to ask the professor. After I cock slap them, the class will applaud me and I will walk out of the room.

Call All Women "Dames" For A Full Year
-It seems like that was the rage in the 1940's but no one calls women dames anymore. I just think it would be cool and people would catch on.

Arrest A Cop
-Cops think they have all the power in the world, but I think it would be cool to go undercover and arrest a dirty cop and then say something from 21 Jump Street.

Point and Say "It Was HIM!" In a Court Room
-You always see this in movies and TV shows, but never in real life. I'll stand up and point at the culprit, and the court room will gasp as the judge slams down his gavel and says "Order! Order!" Yeah, that would be cool

Have A Mustache That I Can Twirl With My Finger
-And if I'm in the mood, tie a dame to rail road tracks and laugh hysterically.

Have Henchmen
-I'd just like to have a few big dudes at my beck and call to do my dirty work as I sit on my big chair and pet my cat.

Have A Crowd Do A Slow Clap For Me
-You see it in inspirational movies like Cool Runnings. I'll do something amazing and then some 8 year old kid in a wheel chair will stand up and start the slow clap and then everyone will join in. Even my arch nemesis will join the slow clap. It shall be righteous.

Be an Evil Super Hero
-Everyone wants to be a good super hero, saving people and doing good. But, if I was a super hero I would be too lazy to help people. Most of my time would be spent throwing 18 wheelers at buildings and stealing money out of banks.

Say Something Clever Right Before I Shoot a Bad Guy
-Every action movie from the 80's has the good guy say something clever right before he shoots the bad guy. I want to do that, preferably in front of a group of people so they will remember my clever catch phrase.

Yell "Get off my Plane!" to a Terrorist.
-Harrison Ford got to do it. But, first I need to own a plane. I can't tell someone to get off "my" plane if its owned by TWA. So, first I need a plane... then a terrorist.

Punch A Baby
-Check

So, that might be a less than ordinary Bucket List. Skydiving, curing AIDS, and traveling around the world may not be on my list. But, at least I'll have a cool mustache, and if you don't like it I'll send my henchmen after you!