Thursday, April 24, 2008

No. 47 "Things You'll Never See At A Bar."

Whenever I go to a bar or club it always seems like its all the same. Same people, same situations, same pool table I pass out on, ect. Here are some things that I would like to see at a bar, but will probably never happen.

A Nice Bouncer:
You know the bouncer, a professional asshole. Shaved head, overweight, tribal tattoos, no smile. It would be nice to go to a club and have a bouncer smile and give me a high five as I walk in. Instead of asking me 27 questions about my ID and punching me in the stomach.

A Club Worth the Cover:
Every club I go to that has a cover charge always seems to hide any visibility of the inside so you can't see if its cool or not. And whenever I ask if it is cool, the answer is always "Hell yeah, so many ladies." But as soon as I pay the retarded $10 cover its full of 40 year old secretaries and my Dad's poker buddies. How about you let people check out the club and see if its worth the cover? Nope.

A Clean Bathroom:
That certainly would be nice. As much as I like stepping in piss and puke, its getting a little old. How about one of your lazy bouncers gets off his ass and cleans up the shit on the wall. Seriously, how did that happen?

Not A Single D-Bag:
They all seem to run in packs, like cockroaches. They go from bar to bar, hitting on chicks and spilling my fucking drink. There should be a bar where only D-bags can go. Oh yeah, its called Myst.

Real World Prices:
I understand a bar/club is a business and can charge whatever they want for drinks, but it frustrates me that the liquor store down the block will charge me $16.99 for a bottle of Absolut and as soon as I walk into a club the price goes up to $300... but,it comes with a table! Hell yeah, what a deal. Its like walking 500 years into the future.

A Bartender Who Serves People:
A lot of bars I go to are pretty damn packed, and I realize its busy, but for baby Jesus' sake can I get a fucking drink in less that ten minutes? I wait in the bizarro horizontal line that never seems to get to me, and by the time I get a drink, I'm sober again. Stop juggling bottles and get me a God damn drink you douche. No Tip. (P.S. This doesn't include Jed, one of the few bad ass bartenders)

So why do I deal with the mean bouncers, slow bartenders, and (literally) shitty restrooms? I don't know, it confuses me. Whatever, I'll be at the bar.

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