Thursday, April 3, 2008

No. 46 "Douchebaggery 101."

Hello, and welcome to Douchebaggery 101, your one-stop shop for becoming a douche bag in everyday life. Take a seat and just follow these simple steps and soon you will be chillin’ with your fellow douches, not smiling in pictures and poppin’ as many collars as humanly possible.

Chapter 1:
What are you wearing? A regular T-shirt that doesn’t call attention to yourself? I don’t think so. Now throw on this pink polo… and this green polo… and this orange polo. Now pop all three collars. The ladies will notice you three times more and want to bang you. And if they don’t, they must be lesbians.

Chapter 2:
Your hair, um… needs some work. Take this 5 lb. tub of Guido Grease and pour it all over your head. Let it sit in for about a half an hour while you watch The Hills, then spike it up like an explosion. It is very important that you and your Douche Crew all have the same exact retarded hair style. (If you run out of gel, just use one of your douche friend’s semen, works the same.)

Chapter 3:
Watch all three seasons of Growing Up Gotti. These grandchildren of the infamous mass-murderer are really cool! Do as they do and act as they act. Only true O.G.’s go to private school, like Tupac.

Chapter 4:
Ok, so you’re from Chino, CA but want to sound more like a douche bag. (Like those from the Jersey Shore and Long Island) Well, just fill your mouth with sausages and talk normally. This will give you the illiterate idiot dialect you are looking for. “Whaa shoo lookin’ at huhhh?” Perfect.

Chapter 5:
Walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. You’re on your way to getting your G.E.D., so be proud.

Chapter 6:
Eye-ball everyone at the club. You are tougher and more badass than all of them. No need to actually fight them though, you don’t want to ruin your fake Gucci shirt.

Chapter 7:
When meeting new people that are not douches like yourself, be a dumb asshole. Never look them in the eye, don’t shake their hand, and one-up them every chance you get. To recap: Do that upwards head shift as a proper greeting. Look around at nothing while they are talking. And tell them about the time you had a five-some. (Just don’t tell them that there was only one girl.)

Chapter 8:
Listen to your shitty music and play it as loud as possible in your shitty car.

Congrats! You have just passed DB 101. Don’t forget to always review your chapters when you feel the need to act like a normal person. Remember, you worked hard to look and sound like a retard, so be proud of yourself. Enrollment in DB 202 is open for the fall. Lectures will include: “The Loudest Fuck at the Bar,” “Hitting on Chicks Obviously Out of Your League,” and “Jaeger Bombs!!!”

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