Thursday, July 10, 2008

No. 50 "How To Write A Blog."

I've written about sixty blogs over the last two years. Some about drinking, benign minutia, and being an asshole. And some about... actually, all of them are about that. Well a lot of my blogs have been "How To" type blogs detailing how to bang a stripper or rob the student store. Well, today is your lucky day children. I am going to teach you how I write my blogs. I know what you're thinking, how is that possible? Its like Di Vinci teaching someone calculus or Einstein teaching someone how to make bagels, but it is actually quite simple.

Step 1:
Sarcasm is key. That's pretty much the only tone I know how to write in. There may be no sarcasm font, (that I know of) but unless your audience is 3rd graders it shouldn't be that hard to comprehend. I'm not really a narcissist asshole. See, that's some good sarcasm.

Step 2:
If you don't offend someone you haven't done your job. Just go after everyone that is different than you. Don't be afraid to push the envelope. But, don't make fun of black people, that's wrong. (Actually, black people don't know how to read so you should be fine.)

Step 3:
Get drunk. I rarely write a blog sober and always write at night. The Beatles would be The Monkeys if it wasn't for LSD. Drugs are helpful too. So go out there and experiment some drugs. Weed doesn't count you pussy, grow up and do heroin like a man.

Step 4:
The type of language you use in your blogs is important. Slut, Douche Bag, Asshole, and Cum Dumpster aren't just words you use about your significant other when they're gone. And remember "Fuck" can be a noun, verb, adjective, and curse word.

Step 4.5:
Other than the buzz words I use that Jesus wouldn't approve of, it is important to seem semi-intelligent. Just use your computer's thesaurus to make a sentence seem more sophisticated. Example: The stripper had prodigious titties. Also, spell-check is vital. It took me three tries to spell thesaurus correctly.

Step 5:
Speak in the 4th person. I know what you're thinking, "There is no 4th person, retard." And your 10th grade English teacher is right, nerd. I made it up. Basically, 4th person is somewhere between 1st and 2nd person. I'll say "You" during a blog and I know you don't feel that way, or would do such a thing. I just don't want to incriminate myself... I mean yourself.

Step 6:
Write what you know. I don't spend much time volunteering my time, learning foreign languages, or being a good person. Therefore, my blogs seem to be more about booze, chicks, and kicking puppies. Hemmingway stuck to his terse prose style and I'll stick to my sophomoric sardonic style.

So go out there and write yourself a nonsensical, misogynistic and sometimes racist blog! But, don't let your mom read them because she'll send you to church to talk to Father Tom about being a good Catholic. True Story.

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