No. 56 "Gangsta Love Cards."

Do you have a difficult time finding a card for that special hoe of yours? Do the Hallmark stores refuse to cater to your unique lifestyle? Do you carry a gun underneath your sweatpants? Well, here are some loving cards to give to your bottom bitch.

My Dearest Annabelle,

Let's get N-A-S-T-Y
Get ready for a nasty time
All the nasty things we can do
I wanna bring out the freak in you
Let me bring out the freak in you

Your own,
J-Boogy
__________________

My Sweetest Genevieve,

I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo'
Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy

With All My Heart,
Big D
___________________

My Angel Beatrice,

I can see yo beauty on a big screen... I can see me freakin' you wit' whip cream...
I can see you on stage at the awards, wit' a dress better then Jennifer's and doin' big
things, Kick it wit' me I can mold yo life, you lookin' good girl show you right,
Dre told me you tha proto type, I can make you a celebrity overnight...

Your Faithful,
Latrell
____________________

These cards and many more like them are available at stores now. Please purchase the cards and not just steal them.

Updated 7/18/10

No. 55 "Hangover Cures."

We've all been there. Had a one too many glasses of Pino Noir at an art showing in the city and awoken the next morning with a slight head ache. Actually, its usually a migraine that feels like Brock Lesnar fist fucked you in the face after 4 keg stands, a bottle of tequila and sex with a hermaphrodite. Well bitches, over the last few days I have compiled a list of cures for that nasty little bitch we like to call a hangover. Read.

Chaser Pills:
You know, those pills that you take before and after every drink to make sure that you don't have a headache while pretending to work in your cubicle. They are super convenient too. Just take two pills with a glass of water after every alcoholic beverage you consume. Just politely tell your beer pong opponents to take a quick time out while you walk over to the kitchen and take your chaser pills. Oh, and be discrete about it. If anyone asks you, its really ecstasy. Now you're cool.

Cocaine:
We all know that cocaine sobers you up. So just do a couple 8-balls and you can continue drinking without getting drunk. If you're not drunk you can't get a hangover. Simple math, really. When you do finally fall asleep later in the week you will wake up hangoverless and your account will be a wee bit overdrawn. If cocaine is not available where you live, just try meth.

Exercise:
Its the first thing you want to do after waking up on the bathroom floor covered in your own urine. Just take a quick shower and wash all the sin off of you and then just start lifting weights. Who cares if you haven't been to the gym since the Bush administration. Push it to the limit and try to out bench the roid monkey next to you. After all this great exercise you will forget about your hangover onc3 you wake in the hospital from heat exhaustion.

Hair of the Dog:
If you forget to do any of the previous cures and wake up with a hangover you can always start drinking again. Just pour the rest of the alcohol left at the house into the blender and then brush your dog. After getting a handful of dog hair, add that to the blender as well. (Where do you think the saying gets its name?) Don't forget the ice and blend it up. Delicious. Now you're ready for your job as a crosswalk guard at the local elementary school.

Greasy Food:
Once you wake up with a hangover, go to your local greasy breakfast food place. Bacon, eggs, potatoes and gravy will soak up all the horrible shit you put into your body and replace it with cholesterol. Butm at least you will feel better. Well, until you die of heart failure at 45 after your seventh bypass. But, who thinks about the future?

Not Consuming Alcohol:
Just kidding. Alcohol is just too much fun.

And once again I have passed on my vast knowledge onto you, my readers. Take my advice and you will never have a hangover ever again. Although you might end up with a coke addiction and die an early death, at least your head won't hurt.

Updated 7/18/10

No. 54 "Benign Minutia I."

I used to do these a couple years ago, where I'd compile random thoughts that go through my warped brain on a day-to-day basis. There is no theme or story to them, just benign minutia, so here you go...

-Chicks with blonde hair on top and black hair underneath will felate you 3X more often than a chick with regular hair.

-Stop posting pictures from your semester/summer abroad. It makes me jealous and I am going to delete you out of spite.

-Chick comedians aren't funny. They just aren't. Watch Comedy Central Presents: Some Dumb Bitch and try to laugh. Its like sneezing with your eyes open. Impossible.

-To be a correspondent on any of those VH1 and E! countdown shows, do you have to be a homosexual with horn rimmed glasses?

-I've noticed that when you are a teenager you're always rounding up, saying things like "yeah, I'm 16 but I turn 17 in like 3 months." But, once you are past 21 you start rounding down. "Well I'm 23 but I just turned 23 like eleven months ago."

-Since the Shamwow guy got caught beating up that hooker and Billy Mays died, who is going to sell me useless shit over the TV?!

-I was listening to "Confessions" by Usher for some gay reason. (Naw, its actually a pretty cool song, but I digress) and he just stepped up a notch in the "I can get laid no matter what factor." The dude talks about how he cheated on his girl and knocked up some other hoe and I bet after that song came out even more hoes wanted his nuts. I'm not jealous, though. Yes I am.

-Girls either want to kill or fuck Megan Fox. Can't you girls just find a happy medium? How about some S&M with her? And can I watch? No? Fine.

-Am I the only person that would risk going to jail if I got to nail Selena Gomez? Maybe I shouldn't have made these comments public...

-How the fuck do the Kardashian sisters that aren't named Kim have their own show? I wonder how that pitch went, "Alright, we're developing a show around the uglier Kardashian sisters. Oh, and Kim, the hot one, isn't going to be in it." "Deal. Here's ten million dollars. Just throw it out a fucking window." I need to stop watching E!


Updated 7/18/10

No. 53 "When You Know Its Time To Go Home."

We've all been there. At a party or bar or baptism, and at some point we realize its time to get the fuck out of dodge. Well, I have compiled a list of signs that you should get your ass home. Here are just a few for your reading pleasure.

You Peed Your Pants
Now, this is a problem that has a strange arc of happenings. Most people pee their pants from age 2-8 and then its smooth sailing until you hit your college years. Alcohol and a lack of bathrooms at a party increase the number of "accidents" sevenfold. The number drops again when we get older and decide to grow up, but rise once we're old as fuck and have to wear Depends. Once you pee your pants, you know its time to bounce, and hopefully before the homeowner knows you just ruined their satin sheets.

Your Friends Are All Gone:
This happens from time to time while getting drunk in a new or unfamiliar location. You're having a grand time, taking shots and making girls uncomfortable only to find out the person you just hugged is not your best friend but a rather angry biker that is not comfortable with contact from strangers.

No More Chicks:
This doesn't mean that there are no longer females at the location you decided to get sloshed at, it just means there isn't enough alcohol at the bar to get you to take home one of the gila monsters that is still lurking at the bar. No disrespect to you ladies, but ya'll scare me.

The Cops Are Looking For You:
At this point you might want to leave through the back door, jump the fence, hop into your car and head south for Mexico. This isn't the time for partying, and before you cross the border I would dispose of the dead hooker in your trunk.

The Chick You Made Out With Threw Up:
On you, in your mouth. If I were you, I'd immediately leave the bar without saying your farewells and stop at your closest convenience store and pick up some mouth wash. But don't worry, no one saw this happen to you. (Just kidding. Everyone saw, expect some vilifying text messages and a video on You Tube tomorrow.)

You Pull The Triple Crown:
Whats the Triple Crown you ask aloud in your apartment alone? Well, its when you try to get into three different bars and get denied one after another after another. There is no medal awarded cause if there was, hobos would be pawning them for PCP.

Your Friends Have All Been Murdered By The Mexican Cartels:
Eh.. I'll have one more drink.

So, now you know when it is time to go home. Next time you're out having a fun time at your nephew's baptism and you happen to have peed your pants, made out with a chick that threw up into your mouth and seen all your friends murdered by Menudo, you know its time to go home.

Updated 7/17/10

No. 52 "Conversations That Will Make Sure You Go To Bed Alone."

Oh, social situations. Some people love them like myself and others choose to play World of Warcraft and whack off to cartoon porn. (Who knew Ariel's tits were that big?) If you want to succeed with the opposite sex you have to be able to converse and talk about topics that are interesting to both parties. Here are some examples of topics you should stay away from...

Your Fantasy Baseball Team:
There is not a single chick in this world that gives a shit about your fantasy baseball team. They don't care that you just got Pujols for next to nothing or that Upton is on a fifteen game hot streak. Fantasy baseball is just something chicks will never understand, kinda how we don't understand why people love that piece of shit Twilight.

Video Games:
Not all girls dislike video games, but for the most part, they could care less about them when they're trying to get free drinks at the bar. No girl will ever be impressed that you beat Call of Duty in a week, they most likely will just complain of your smell since you haven't showered since you bought the game.

Racist Jokes:
It is probably a smart idea to stay away from ethnic jokes. I generally wait until the third date with a girl before I let her know my hatred for a particular group. But, when just meeting a young lady I would stay away from these types of jokes. Also, racist jokes usually do not get a pleasant response if the person you're telling them to happens to be a minority.

Her Best Friend's Ass:
No matter how nice and round her best friend's ass is, one must never mention it to the girl you are talking to. Doing so could lead to a large cranberry stain on your new white polo.

Backhanded Compliments:
Unless you know how to perfect it, I would not recommend it. Mentioning that her beer gut makes her "more huggable," or letting her know that her tan makes it almost impossible to notice her mustache will probably end with a haymaker to your left ball.

Big Words:
Because chicks are dumb.

So, reread these before going out and make sure when you're out at a bar or party you make no mention of fantasy trades, Mexican jokes, or asking how "far along she is." Here are some good topics to bring up when meeting a girl...

-Gossip Girl
-Scented candles
-Puppies
-Abortion (Whoops, might wanna stay away from that one.)
-Chick flicks
-The View
-Barbie (For the younger crowd)
-Themselves
-Their outfit
-Their cute new shoes
-Their hair

Updated 7/17/10

Beer By Location.

I've noticed that people treat beer differently by it's location. If you are at a random party playing a drinking game you drink that shit like its going out of style. Chug half of it then you throw the rest in the neighbor's pool. It's free, who gives a shit? But, when you are paying $10 for 12 ounces of liquid gold at a baseball game you sip that shit like fine wine. If someone knocks over your beer at said random party, no big deal. But, if a six year old kid at his first baseball game bumps into you and makes you spill 2 sips of your beer you knock his ass to the ground and curb stomp him. Strange isn't it?
Just a thought...

No. 51 "You Got Served, Bitch."

Ah, working. It’s the best, especially when your job’s main focus is customer service, AKA kissing ass with a smile. I kiss so much ass at work my lips get chapped. I’ve been a server for a few months now, and you learn a lot about life and people while handing out Ice Teas and serving spaghetti. Being a server, you learn to change the way you talk and act around different people, and I thought I’d write a blog about working in the food service industry, and what I’ve learned so far.

As many that work as a server know, pleasing the customer is key. If you want a good tip you gotta do a few things. (Unless you’re a chick, then all you gotta do is be hot.) First, don’t use profane language or racial slurs around the customers, many find this offensive for some reason. Families like to come into restaurants and a lot of the time they bring kids. It’s not recommended to tell the kids to shut the fuck up or smack them in the back of the head. Parents usually don’t appreciate this. And finally, attempt “giving a fuck.” When they tell you what they want to eat, you may want to write it down and put the order into the computer. You probably don’t want to decide what they are going to eat for yourself, or ask for extra cheese on the pasta when they are deathly allergic. Important tips for the future, folks.

Employee relations is also a vital ingredient in a restaurant. Normally there are two different groups in a restaurant. The English speaking people (Servers, Managers, Hostesses) and Mexicans. (Cooks, Dishwashers) Bridge this gap by getting to know the other group. If you are a server, chat with one of the cooks and if you are a dish washer, translate this blog into Spanish and flirt with the underage hostess. Personally I have crossed over to the other group and get along great with the cooks. They love to joke around though, by cooking my orders late and spraying hot water at me. But, its alright because they have a special nick name for me: Perra Muda.

Getting along with your boss isn’t always easy for everyone. A lot of bosses ask a lot from their employees like coming into work on time… and sober! I know, a bit uptight. It’s hard to roll out of bed at 4 pm sober and in work attire. When talking shit about your boss, you may want to look around for them, bosses don’t exactly like walking up when you are calling them a cunt muscle. Bosses also don’t really like when you sleep at work, especially on the table you are in the middle of serving. It gets in the way of their entrees. Talking on your cell phone while smoking a cigarette inside might not be the best idea either. Just do one or the other, you need your other hand to bring drinks to your table.

At times, you will get a “difficult” table. (AKA old fucks) These delightful senior citizens might need you to repeat the specials a few dozen times, complain that you gave them the wrong food when they just forgot what they ordered, or give you a 5% tip. You have to treat each table the same, respectfully. There is no need to spit in their food, change the amount of tip they give you on their credit card receipt or knock over their wheel chair. Another “difficult” group that comes into restaurants are teenagers. They are really cool with their sunglasses on inside and their blonde tipped hair. Oh look! That kid is blowing bubbles in his root beer. How hilarious and clever! Teenagers will also leave great tips, 45 cents on a $20 tab? Its my lucky day!

And finally, Server Lingo will take affect within the first week of working at a restaurant. What is server lingo you say to your computer screen? Well it is the words and phrases you say while working but never say anywhere else. You will say “folks” more times on your first day than you will have had said in the previous 21 years of your life. For some retarded reason I say “Absolutely” every chance I get. “Excuse me, could I get more ranch?” Absolutely. “Could we get the check?” Absolutely. “My son is choking, some one help!” Absolutely Not. I also use my server voice instead of my regular awesome voice. My server voice is super lame. It always sounds like I’m talking to a bunch of 3rd graders going on a field trip.

Well those are my thoughts on the food service industry. Its not the easiest job in the world. You do have to show up sober, kiss wrinkly old people ass and try not to assault children. But, its all worth it for the 45 cents you get at the end of the day. So there you go, you have just been served, bitch.

No. 50 "How To Write A Blog."

I've written about sixty blogs over the last two years. Some about drinking, benign minutia, and being an asshole. And some about... actually, all of them are about that. Well a lot of my blogs have been "How To" type blogs detailing how to bang a stripper or rob the student store. Well, today is your lucky day children. I am going to teach you how I write my blogs. I know what you're thinking, how is that possible? Its like Di Vinci teaching someone calculus or Einstein teaching someone how to make bagels, but it is actually quite simple.

Step 1:
Sarcasm is key. That's pretty much the only tone I know how to write in. There may be no sarcasm font, (that I know of) but unless your audience is 3rd graders it shouldn't be that hard to comprehend. I'm not really a narcissist asshole. See, that's some good sarcasm.

Step 2:
If you don't offend someone you haven't done your job. Just go after everyone that is different than you. Don't be afraid to push the envelope. But, don't make fun of black people, that's wrong. (Actually, black people don't know how to read so you should be fine.)

Step 3:
Get drunk. I rarely write a blog sober and always write at night. The Beatles would be The Monkeys if it wasn't for LSD. Drugs are helpful too. So go out there and experiment some drugs. Weed doesn't count you pussy, grow up and do heroin like a man.

Step 4:
The type of language you use in your blogs is important. Slut, Douche Bag, Asshole, and Cum Dumpster aren't just words you use about your significant other when they're gone. And remember "Fuck" can be a noun, verb, adjective, and curse word.

Step 4.5:
Other than the buzz words I use that Jesus wouldn't approve of, it is important to seem semi-intelligent. Just use your computer's thesaurus to make a sentence seem more sophisticated. Example: The stripper had prodigious titties. Also, spell-check is vital. It took me three tries to spell thesaurus correctly.

Step 5:
Speak in the 4th person. I know what you're thinking, "There is no 4th person, retard." And your 10th grade English teacher is right, nerd. I made it up. Basically, 4th person is somewhere between 1st and 2nd person. I'll say "You" during a blog and I know you don't feel that way, or would do such a thing. I just don't want to incriminate myself... I mean yourself.

Step 6:
Write what you know. I don't spend much time volunteering my time, learning foreign languages, or being a good person. Therefore, my blogs seem to be more about booze, chicks, and kicking puppies. Hemmingway stuck to his terse prose style and I'll stick to my sophomoric sardonic style.


So go out there and write yourself a nonsensical, misogynistic and sometimes racist blog! But, don't let your mom read them because she'll send you to church to talk to Father Tom about being a good Catholic. True Story.