Monday, July 20, 2009

No. 55 "Hangover Cures."

We've all been there. Had a one too many glasses of Pino Noir at an art showing in the city and awoken the next morning with a slight head ache. Actually, its usually a migraine that feels like Brock Lesnar fist fucked you in the face after 4 keg stands, a bottle of tequila and sex with a hermaphrodite. Well bitches, over the last few days I have compiled a list of cures for that nasty little bitch we like to call a hangover. Read.

Chaser Pills:
You know, those pills that you take before and after every drink to make sure that you don't have a headache while pretending to work in your cubicle. They are super convenient too. Just take two pills with a glass of water after every alcoholic beverage you consume. Just politely tell your beer pong opponents to take a quick time out while you walk over to the kitchen and take your chaser pills. Oh, and be discrete about it. If anyone asks you, its really ecstasy. Now you're cool.

We all know that cocaine sobers you up. So just do a couple 8-balls and you can continue drinking without getting drunk. If you're not drunk you can't get a hangover. Simple math, really. When you do finally fall asleep later in the week you will wake up hangoverless and your account will be a wee bit overdrawn. If cocaine is not available where you live, just try meth.

Its the first thing you want to do after waking up on the bathroom floor covered in your own urine. Just take a quick shower and wash all the sin off of you and then just start lifting weights. Who cares if you haven't been to the gym since the Bush administration. Push it to the limit and try to out bench the roid monkey next to you. After all this great exercise you will forget about your hangover onc3 you wake in the hospital from heat exhaustion.

Hair of the Dog:
If you forget to do any of the previous cures and wake up with a hangover you can always start drinking again. Just pour the rest of the alcohol left at the house into the blender and then brush your dog. After getting a handful of dog hair, add that to the blender as well. (Where do you think the saying gets its name?) Don't forget the ice and blend it up. Delicious. Now you're ready for your job as a crosswalk guard at the local elementary school.

Greasy Food:
Once you wake up with a hangover, go to your local greasy breakfast food place. Bacon, eggs, potatoes and gravy will soak up all the horrible shit you put into your body and replace it with cholesterol. Butm at least you will feel better. Well, until you die of heart failure at 45 after your seventh bypass. But, who thinks about the future?

Not Consuming Alcohol:
Just kidding. Alcohol is just too much fun.

And once again I have passed on my vast knowledge onto you, my readers. Take my advice and you will never have a hangover ever again. Although you might end up with a coke addiction and die an early death, at least your head won't hurt.

Updated 7/18/10

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