Wednesday, July 14, 2010

No. 119 "Running Into Exes."

Much like sharting, running into exes is something that everyone tries to avoid. You can go to different coffee shops or buy nick nacks at the "other mall," which is usually frequented by escaped convicts, but you will ultimately run into your former flame. Hopefully you will be thinner, better looking and holding hands with a super model when you encounter them, but that's not something I can help you out with. What I can help you with is how to handle your ex when that vexatious and awkward moment comes. Here's a grab bag of tips that both guys and gals can use.

This can only be accomplished if you see them first. So refrain from wearing giant sombreros or chicken costumes while out in public. Those tend to draw unneeded attention. Large plants and park benches are effective hiding devices when attempting to be hidden. You could also try to escape into a large crowd and skedaddle away. But, most of the time he or she will just end up noticing you ask why you are underneath a Chevy.

This is one of my favorite activities, and can really come in handy when trying to one-up an ex. When asked "how's it going?" Reply that your garage band just got signed to Capitol Records, you now drive a Mercedes and that you just started dating a famous celebrity that they have always had utter disdain for. They will probably be too nice to call you out on your obvious lies, but that doesn't mean that you still can't call her an obdurate bitch.

Pretend You Don't Know Them:
This game plan is only for the narcissistic and potentially sociopathic. Once your former lover comes up to you, look at them strangely and say something to the effect of "Um, I'm sorry, but do I know you?" This will enrage them since you two dated for over three years and have mutual custody of a dachshund named Bilo. Keep the game going and call him or her by a different name to enrage them further. Eventually they will just punch you in the face, but it'll be worth it.

Fake Phone Call:
Once the small talk has begun and you are sure that make-up coitus in the parking lot is not a possibility, you need to get out of there quickly. Pretend your phone is vibrating and answer it while they are in the middle of some topic that you don't care about. Then, act shocked or concerned while fake talking. After that, all you have to do is come up with some excuse about how your grandma got attacked by radioactive seagulls or that your car has been broken into by Japanese businessmen. Leave immediately, get out of his/her sight and continue shopping at Sam Goody.

Run Away:
Some may say that this is the easy way out, and they're damn right. But, usually the easy way out is the best decision. If there is a fire in your home, do you search for a blunt object, climb the stairs, break your attic window and jump three stories? No, you run out the front door and scream until a firetruck shows up. This situation is nearly identical. Once you see your ex, knock over the townspeople in your way and run like a dead-beat dad from child support. That's probably what she's looking for anyway.

There's an array of divergent methods to get away with this little trick. Simpletons can always use the celebrated "Holy shit! Look at that!" method of distracting an ex to avoid circumlocutory conversations about his or her pet that you couldn't care less about, or sort of hoped was dead. For the more advanced, I would recommend carrying a hand grenade on your person at all times. This way, if you run into that concubine or dickhead who you formerly dated, you can just throw the grenade in the air and create the best distraction possible: explosions.

Rent A Model:
This could get costly if you don't run into your ex for several years or they died and no one told you. Nonetheless, it is the best way to look cool when running into an ex. One can easily find a model on legitimate websites like Craigslist. Every time you go out, call up the bimbo or bimbro and have them join you while you go to the movies or donate your time to special-needs kittens. Once you eventually run into your ex, they will be so distraught with jealousy that they will have no choice but to kill themselves or at least sob uncontrollably for several minutes. You win!

Be Cordial:
Fuck it. Tell the bitch off.

So, whether you run into your ex while crying outside of her home late at night or while driving your car over him, you now have eight new ways to deal with a potentially maladroit situation. Of course, there are other ways to deal with the issue. One could always flee to another country or undergo extensive plastic surgery. But, it is rarely worth the time or money. Just go for vainglorious embellishment. Works every time.

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