Tuesday, June 29, 2010

No. 118 "Bored Housewives."

Since exactly 0% of my readers are housewives, I thought I'd dedicate an entire blog to them. These hardworking women deserve to be applauded for all the things they do while their husbands work tooth and nail so they can have another tennis bracelet. But, many of these housewives get bored during their days alone at home. So, today I will compile a list of entertaining activities for them to help pass the time.

Read A Book:
Sounds boring, but I guarantee once you get into a good book, you won't be able to put it down. Romance novels are quite popular with the average American housewife, so start there. These novels are easy to find since their covers are usually of shirtless men with long hair and wounded eyes. These books can help you escape to the beaches of the Caribbean, or the streets of gay Paree. Whatever gets you moist.

Fuck The Gardener:
He's in good shape, always smiles at you and is probably over 18. Why not? Your husband rarely touches you anymore and he was short with you this morning, so he deserves it. You can have fun seducing him and helping him undo your bra. "Push, then pull. Good job Javier." And once you're done with him, you can move on to the pool guy.

Go Through Your Husband's Shit:
Women have a natural obsession for searching through shit in order to find some dirt to use as a bargaining chip. Everyone has had their mom find their stash of weed while away on a long weekend. It's just in their instincts. Play on this instinct and rummage through all your husbands drawers and boxes. Eventually you'll find something that upsets you, and then you won't feel so bad about banging the gardener.

Daytime Television:
First you have your soaps, where you can develop your skills in horrible acting and bitch slapping. After that, the judge shows come on. Pretend to be Judge Judy or that other black judge and see if your rulings align. And finally, that fat, narcissistic bitch Oprah is on. Learn about the latest household gadgets or maybe you'll get lucky and see a "very special episode" about some lady getting abused. Either way, it's the best television out there.

You remember the matching tennis racket, clothes and shoes you begged your husband for three years ago? Well, now you have an excuse to actually use it. Find a tennis court close to your home and improve you game. Tennis is great exercise and a convivial way to meet new people. Or, you and your fellow yentas could just agglomerate at the tennis club to gossip and reticule others while drinking appletinis. It's up to you.

The Internet:
The world wide web is a crazy place. There are so many websites for just about anything in the world. Have fun with it. You have online shopping, gossip websites, and of course Facebook to link up with ex-boyfriends that are doing well financially and still have their hair. Just remember to lose all your husband's hard earned money through various online scams and pyramid schemes. You totally thought that email was from the prince of Nigeria. Not your fault.

Who said that art degree would get you nowhere? Express yourself through this storied art form. If your first few paintings don't look how they are supposed to, just call them "abstract." You can paint whatever your heart desires, and if that happens to be thirty eight paintings of your bichon frise Mimi, then so be it. Your husband will totally to love them, and use words such as "interesting" and "nice" to describe them. Then he will hang them in that room that no one goes in.

Cook and Clean Because You're A Woman:
Self explanatory. Make me a sandwich.

And, there we have it. I just came up with eight different activities for housewives to delve into during their boring days at home. Whether you enjoy fornicating with the pool boy on your husband's favorite recliner, or expressing backhanded compliments to waitresses at the country club, there's always something fun to do while your husband is away at work. There are many other activities you could get into, or you could always just get a fucking job. Toodles!

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