Wednesday, July 21, 2010

No. 121 "Microwavable Meltdown."

The following are directions on how to make a microwavable meal. Enjoy.

  • Grab the packet of food you want to poison yourself with out of your roommate's refrigerator.
  • Read the intentionally ambiguous directions. If they are not in English, contact a landscaper.
  • Experience trouble with the wrapper.
  • Use a sharp object to cut yourself with accidentally while attempting to remove the packaging
  • Curse God.
  • Place the fodder into your microwave for the median recommended time.
  • Wait while your food cooks for what seems like an eternity. During this time you can either stare at your meal as it revolves in the microwave or walk around your home aimlessly.
  • Remove from microwave. Not forgetting to burn one's self with the food itself, or the plate you used to cook it on.
  • Never let item stand for two minutes to cool down.
  • Take a bite of your meal, only to realize that it is still cold.
  • Microwave for an additional forty five seconds.
  • Read the nutritional facts. Consider a new workout regiment
  • Attempt another bite. Decide that it is done and sit down to watch a reality program.
  • Half way through, realize your meal still isn't fully cooked.
  • Microwave for an additional thirty seconds, not forgetting to push the buttons aggressively.
  • Remove item from microwave once again. Take a bite and immediately be burned with scalding, radioactive goo.
  • Be rushed to the hospital with third degree burns.
  • Die.

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