Monday, June 21, 2010

No. 117 "Summer Activities."

Summer is upon us. The wonderful time of year where you don't have to worry about anything except for who's buying the next twelver of Corona or when the next group of bikini clad women will be frolicking by. Its a time when you burn your neck on your seat belt and blister your feet on the concrete. But, somehow people always get bored during the summer. That's why I've compiled this list of fun and safe activities to participate in during your three months of sun-burned fun.

No, I'm not talking about the cinematic masterpiece starring Bette Midler. I'm referring to that big, blue wavy-thing that kills 3.5 surfer douches every day. Many of us aren't fortunate enough to live close to the ocean, so a road trip may be necessary to get your ass in the sand. But, once you reach the beach, all your problems will float away (except child support payments.) While at the beach you can embarrass yourself at sand volleyball, harass lifeguards or litter the beach with cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

Sun Bathing:
Kind of a confusing term since water is not involved. But, what is involved is laying on a deck chair and sweating your balls off for hours on end. This isn't an actual "activity" since it is usually done by attractive chicks alone, who refuse your help at applying tanning oil on them and threaten to call the police. One must be disciplined to sun bathe, as it takes time to develop a nice tan. Most of us pasty white folks end up giving up after fifteen minutes and supplant our asses inside to watch Wild On! reruns.

Pool Parties:
If you are lucky enough to be invited to a pool party, make the most of it. Show up four hours before the scheduled arrival time and cannon ball into their pool several dozen times so you can perfect your technique for all the guests. When everyone arrives, break your beer bottle on the deck in celebration and throw as many of the party goers into the pool as you can. Who needs cell phones? And, before you're asked the leave, take a shit in the jacuzzi. Who doesn't love pool parties!?

Convertible Driving:
There's nothing better than a summer breeze in your face while drunk driving throughout the city. When driving a convertible, make sure to wear trendy sunglasses and a cool hat to nonchalantly toss into the air as you speed away from a hit and run. You don't own a convertible? Well, you're a loser. But, you could always use a hacksaw to remove your roof and vamoosh! You got yourself a sweet new convertible!

Baseball Games:
Who says baseball is boring? Everyone? Well, at baseball games you can drink beer and eat hot dogs. Not so lame now, huh? Most baseball stadiums are outdoors, so you can enjoy the summer sun and as many $9 pretzels as you want while watching a bunch of out of shape Dominicans play catch for three hours. And, hell you could even get into a brawl with someone over a foul ball that's worth less than your beer.

Water Guns:
Remember all the fun times you had as a kid shooting your friends in the face with your SuperSoaker 3000? You're not too old to still have fun with water guns. All you have to do is purchase a couple water guns, spray paint them black (so they look cool) and go to different stores scaring women and children. People will seem frightened at first, but once you spray them, they will have no choice but to laugh and giggle the day away. And if you're too poor to buy one, you could always just splash some kids in the fucking face with McDonald's cups filled with water.

Jet Skiing:
There are very few things in the world more awesome than a jet ski. If I had it my way, I would flood the entire United States so the only way people could get around would be via jet ski. Sea Doo would love me and it would subvert our dependence on foreign oil. Take that BP! Jet skis are also amazing because you automatically look cool when you're riding one. You could be a homeless tranny with no Facebook friends, but everyone would just see a cool chick-dude shreddin' some gnar.

Just kidding. Unless you want your summer to totally suck, I would not recommend gardening, or even talking to those who garden "for fun."

So go out there and enjoy your summer! There are many other activities I've failed to mention that probably won't get you arrested or beaten, but they are much less awesome. Ruin a pool party by skinny dipping, or crush some kid's sand castle with your Birkenstocks. Just remember to always wear sun screen and obey pool and beach guidelines. Summer only lasts so long, have some fun.

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