Thursday, February 18, 2010

No. 105 "Bro's Evening Not In."

Now I know what you're thinking, "Isn't Bro's Evening Not In the same as guy's night out?" Well idiot, it isn't. Guy's Night Out is the title of a gay porno your dad starred in, and this isn't even remotely close to that. Bro's Evening Not In is where you get all your buddies together and go out to bars, strip clubs and water parks creating havoc, drinking recklessly and attempting to get your friend to cheat on his bitchy girlfriend, and then send her a picture of the deed from a restricted number so they break up. It goes a 'lil something like this...

This is kind of breaking the rules since you all will be drinking and talking about sports and/or boobs at someone's place of residence, which is technically "in." With the exception of the homeowner, you are all following the rules, so don't fret. While pregaming you can play board games, give each other make overs and tell secrets. Just kidding, although board games can be quite fun if enough liquor is involved. Basically, this is where everyone meets up and has a few drinks, or gets plastered. (Depending on how cheap and unwilling to pay for drinks they are.) Take this time to make fun of each other's stupid looking shirts and new haircuts.

The Cab Ride:
Being responsible young adults, it is important to never drive intoxicated. Unless you really need to, or are attempting to get laid by an 8 or up. During the cab ride, you can tell stories that A) Are long winded and everyone has already heard nineteen times. B) Are not funny or interesting. Or, C) Completely made up, like the time you were attacked by ninjas. While in the cab, you can make fun of the ethnicity of your driver using hand signals, or by just being an asshole and saying racist your observations out loud. Saying things such as "If I was a cab driver, I'd kill myself" will be found hilarious by your driver. When you arrive at your destination, remember not to tip your driver as American currency is useless to them.

Grabbing A Bite:
As men, we like to eat and be around our friends, but find it weird and uncomfortable to ask a buddy if they would like to share a meal together. It just sounds gay. That's why phrases were invented to make it seem cooler and much less homosexual. You can suggest something like "Yo, bro wanna chow down at that Chinese buffet place?" Or "Hey douche, lets grab a bite and then play a sport." As a group, it is much easier to eat food together without even having to use these superfluous phrases. Never make reservations and just sit down at the first table you see. Remember to order at least two drinks before you decide on food and to comment on your waitress' ass and/or boobs.

Viewing Athletics:
Many establishments have televisions which broadcast all types of sporting events that men can yell at. Forget eating that BLT you just ordered and are probably going to vomit into an alley in two hours, watch the game. Sporting events are the cornerstone of male bonding and/or fighting. It doesn't matter if its Women's Billiards, if it's on ESPN, guys will watch it. Once a bunch of your friends are rooting for one team, start going for their competitors. This will lead to friendly discussions about both teams qualities and flaws. Or, it could lead to your demise at the hand of a broken beer bottle. Either way, it will make the night more interesting.

Drinking Games:
Most bars do not allow drinking games because they are jealous of suburban house parties and do not want to procure copyright infringement on the variety of games groups of people can play while getting intoxicated. This doesn't mean you can't create your own drinking game amongst your friends. Every time one of your friends with no game gets shut down by a girl you take a shot. Every time a new song comes on you take a shot. And every time you order a shot, you take a shot. Its very simple and will give you the liquid confidence needed to hit on that girl across the bar, even though your friends claim you have no game.

Hitting On Women:
Although this is a bro's evening not in, that doesn't mean a few stumbling sluts can't be invited to join in on the fun. You can find women of all types at bars, but it is recommended to stay away from two types of ladies. The first variety are those out of your league. Stay away from these broads because the chances of you bringing her home are very slim, but your chances of being embarrassed and calling her a "dumb slut" to your friends after rejection are very common. Also, stay away from smart-looking chicks. These women know better than to converse with sloppy idiots like yourself and will try to talk to you about literature. Whatever that is.

Getting Lost:
Undoubtedly one of your friends will get lost along your journey. If its not you, don't worry they will be fine. If it is you that happens to get lost, there are a number of things you can do. In your left hand pocket there is a metal device called a cell phone which can be used to communicate with others who also own these devices. Use your fingers to either dial or text message one of your friends and inquire to where they are located. Yelling at the top of your lungs and plugging one of your ears is the best way to talk on the phone while at a bar. From there you will be able to rejoin your friends and enjoy the rest of your evening. If your cell phone is lost or broken, make sure to yell and punch things and then cry.

Returning Home:
Once your night has concluded due to exhaustion, last call, or being escorted from the bar by the bouncer's fists, you must find a way to get everyone home safely. Walking is a proper choice, and will give everyone more time to talk about how close they were to scoring with "that one chick." You could also try hailing a cab, but there is a chance that it will be the same driver that you offended and told to go back to China even though they were Middle Eastern. This could lead to a lot of yelling in a funny sounding language. The best choice is to get a ride from an officer of the law. They are here to protect and serve, so let them do that. Roughly pad him on the shoulder and recommend that he drive you and your drunk buddies home immediately because you have to urinate very soon. He will surely be happy to help you out and get you home. That is, if your home is a drunk tank.

So, take some time away from the girlfriends and internet porn and have a night out on the town with your BFF's chill bros. When you get older, you will not have as many opportunities to organize these types of nights due to nagging wives and stupid children. Remember to tell racist jokes to your cab driver, play drinking games you invented out of your friends lack of luck with the ladies and to request transportation home from a cop on a horse. And that, my bros, is how you have a Bro's Evening Not In.

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