Thursday, February 11, 2010

No. 104 "Beer Pong Injuries."

Since I am a registered sex offender nurse, I am extremely informed when it comes to injuries, especially those sustained during drinking athletics. And because beer pong is the most popular sport among drunk idiots like myself, I thought it would be my obligation to share some of my knowledge about how these injuries can happen and how to best treat them. Read carefully, as some of these injuries can keep you sidelined for long periods of time.

Out For 1-4 Games (Cut Finger):

This can happen a variety of different ways. Whether it be by playing with knives in the kitchen while waiting your turn or frantically signing up on the beer pong list and receiving a paper cut on the edge of the list. There are a number of measures to avoid and heal this injury. One way would be to avoid juggling knives or performing any knife-related tricks without proper training. If the cut is shallow, a bandage or skateboarding sticker should hold the wound in place and stop the bleeding so you can carry on with your play.

Out For 3-6 Games (Elbow):

The elbow injury occurs most often after a beer pong victory. When a winning player celebrates a victory, a fist pump is usually in order. More times than not, a player will aggravate their elbow mid-pump on objects around the room that "shouldn't be there in the fucking first place." These include lamps, walls or women texting on their cell phones. To avoid this injury, try not to show so much excitement after beating a bunch of freshmen that totally suck anyways. For those who cannot control their fist pumps, try wearing an elbow pad. (Side effects include: looking like a dork and being taunted.)

Out For 6-9 Games (Getting Laid):

Even though beer pong is the most exciting party sport, it cannot hold up against banging dumb sluts. Many players will even end a lengthy winning streak in order to spit game at tramps who arrive to the arena later in the night. To avoid missing a stretch of games, one can: become ridiculously drunk, not invite women to the event, or be ugly and/or fat. It is possible for some players to return to action after fluids have been exchanged, but is usually due to premature ejaculation.

Out For 1-3 Days (Hangover):

This can happen to even the most veteran of players. A hangover is an injury that has several remedies that can be seen here. This type of injury usually happens after winning too many games, losing too many games, or playing beer pong with non-regulation liquid (wine or liquor.) Some players can push through this and not miss any playing time, although their game takes a hit and multiple losing streaks are quite common.

Out For 2 Weeks (Face):

Your face is needed in order to play beer pong properly. The face includes eyes which see the cups, and ears which listen to sweet jams used to pump up a player when its last cup. The majority of face injuries happen after a game has concluded and one or more players has been trash talking an opposing team. This generally leads to an angry opponent punching a player in the face several times and then recommending that they consider acting more professional during the event in the future. To avoid this injury, simply don't be a raging dick head.

Out For Undetermined Amount of Time (Personal Reasons):

Although this is not an injury, it can lead to some players missing large sums of time for a variety of reasons. Some reasons include: having a girlfriend, finals and Alcoholics Anonymous. It is important for players to be there for their teammates during this tough stretch. Calling their girlfriend a bitch and saying that finals are lame will not bring them back to the field table any sooner. Luckily, most of these cases end up with the player returning to their former glory within just a few weeks.

Out For Season (Feelings):

This is also not an injury per se, but can drastically influence one's reputation as a beer pong athlete. Getting one's feelings hurt is usually connected to the player being a fucking pussy or opponents making up new rules that were not discussed during pregame. The player will usually throw the ball at an opponents face and say things such as "I don't like playing with you because you're a fucking dick." Or they break down, start crying and then run away. The most common occurrence of Out For Season (Feelings) manifests when said player loses to a girl "because they got lucky."

Out For Life (Gun Shot Wounds):

This is another injury "triggered" by angry opponents. Unlike facial injuries, gun shot wounds most often lead to bereavement. Severe antagonizing and being in the wrong motherfucking neighborhood lead to gun-related injuries during games. Although many happen after a game has concluded, some materialized before or even during game play. To elude this grim injury, avoid the following: participating in games with known gang members, playing by "your rules" when not on your home court, and blowing the ball out of the cup like a chick.

And that is how you can diagnose and treat injuries that take place during beer pong games. Remember to wrap knife wounds in stickers, avoid shit-talking to opponents with clenched fists, and to not be such a fucking pussy. Most of these injuries happen to dudes since men are much, much better at beer pong and chicks prefer dancing and complaining during parties rather than totally awesome drinking sports that involve complicated celebratory maneuvers. Beer pong is a dangerous sport, so be careful out there.

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