Thursday, February 4, 2010

No. 103 "The Cool Teacher."

Most of my friends that have graduated from non-technical colleges have gone into the fun and rewarding job of education. And since a good handful of my friends are teachers, I thought it would be up to me to give them some of my award winning advice on how to be the "cool teacher" around those annoying fuckers they like to call their students. Everyone loves the cool teacher. He or she is the educator that all the students love and talk about by their lockers. Cool teachers are also hated by the lame teachers that complain about how they are not following protocol to other conservative teachers while eating their egg salad sandwiches in the teacher's lounge. But, if you want to be the cool teacher, you have to follow these simple and beneficial guidelines.

Backwards Hat:
Most schools do not allow hats on their campuses because according to many schools' policies; if one is wearing a hat of any kind, they are in a gang and must be armed. Since you have the privilege and power of being a teacher, you can bend these rules without much contention. On your first day of class, come in wearing a sick baseball cap, and remember to wear it backwards. That's how cool people wear it. There are many different styles you could go with. Perhaps a Budweiser cap or one that says Rock Out With Your Cock Out. But if I were you, I'd stick with the trendy red and white Yankees cap that was popularized by music legend Fred Durst.

Sitting in Chair Backwards:
To compliment your dope backwards hat, you'll need to pull up a chair in the middle of the room and then swiftly turn it around and sit on it like you're going reverse cowgirl. (Explain what that means to your students afterwords) This will sustain your cool image and make the students project you as a rebel, like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Cross your arms around the back of the chair and casually say something to the effect of "What up?" Wearing a leather jacket is recommended, but not essential. Rebel teacher process complete.

Pizza Parties:
Now that you're a rebellious teacher based on your chair sitting habits and head wear, you'll need to start doing things that make your students very excited and happy. And nothing makes kids happier than a mother fucking pizza party. You could get the pizza from the local penitentiary and they'd still go buck wild as long as you threw in a couple two-liters of soda. If one of your students' parents died that day and everyone is being super lame, just say those two magic words and everyone will be jovial and forget about it. Pizza parties are to kids as happy hour is to adults. (There's an analogy you can use on the English quiz after the pizza party.)

Dating Students:
This only works for middle school and up, I'm not trying to get anyone arrested now. Find the hottest girl or guy in your class and give them your cell phone number. This will eventually lead to massive text sessions as teenagers only communicate via text message. Once you start dating the head cheerleader or quarterback, all your other students will look up to you and say things such as "Wow, I can't believe Mr. Williams is going steady with Becky, she's got boobs and shit." Or "Fucking Miss Harris stole my goddamn boyfriend!" Don't keep the relationship ambiguous though, make sure everyone at the school knows.

Everyone remembers the first time they heard their teacher curse. It usually happened after a classmate put tacks under their seat or they let it slip after too many Irish coffees. But it was awesome. Be casual about it, and try to emulate the way your students speak. Try to add curse words into your lecture and when a student acts up call them a dumbass or a faggot. Your students will love it and say things such as "Oh my God! Mr. Jones just said damn! He's a bad ass!" The curse words don't even need to be in a context, you can just yell random expletives from your desk while they're taking a test.

Your Personal Life:
A lot of teachers prefer to keep their personal lives kept secret from their students, but you should do the opposite. Divulge everything worth knowing. On Monday morning, when every student tells the class about their boring ass weekend, go into detail about how much better yours was. Oh, you went to the park with your step dad? That's gay. I got fucked up with a bunch of Filipinos and woke up in Mexico. They will hang on your every word and brag about how cool you are to their parents, who will also enjoy your stories and share them with your principal.

Cancel Shit:
You're supposed to give them an spelling test? Fuck it, test canceled. Let your students rip up the tests and throw them on the ground for the janitors to clean up during recess. Those Bill Nye the Science Guy videos the class was supposed to watch in order to learn about chromosomes? Fuck it, we're watching Jerry Springer. You can even cancel class if you want to. Who's gonna stop you? You're the god damn teacher! 5th period is canceled so everyone can have fifty more minutes of recess to practice their tether ball skills. Your students will love you for this, and they weren't going to learn shit anyways.

Field Trips:
Most teachers take their students on boring and educational field trips to museums, science centers and other places that don't serve alcohol. Change it up and take your class to an R-rated movie or to the water park. Who the hell doesn't love the water park? Make up fake permission slips requesting to take the class to the local snoreseum where they will be learning about Native American culture or something. Then you can forge all their parents' signatures on your new permission slips and take them anywhere you want. Hey class, wanna go to Vegas?

And that is how you become the cool teacher at your school. Remember to hook up with your attractive students, curse as much as you fucking can, and throw pizza parties four days a week. Not only your students, but faculty members, parents and your principal will appreciate your unconventional teaching methods and you could even win a national award for your efforts. You may not have been the coolest kid while you were in school, but you are now known as a bad ass extraordinaire in the eyes of all your students, and that's all that really matters.

1 comment:

T.J. said...

OMG This is the funniest thing I have ever read! I actually Googled "How to be the cool teacher" tonight, and stumbled upon it. LOVE IT!!!
-Tracy Jane,

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