Friday, July 8, 2011

No. 129 "Kid Party."

Recently, I celebrated my 25th birthday which brought about several mixed emotions for me. Nostalgia from all the memories I've created up to this point in my life. Bitter-sweetness upon realizing that my best irresponsible partying days are most likely past me. And, vomit from the sushi I disgorged onto a saguaro coming out of the bar after seven too many shots. Vomit is an emotion, right?

The hypothesis I'm attempting to express is that many people my age feel as though once they hit their mid-twenties they have to sit up straight and start acting like an adult; or at least finally learn how to properly tie a tie. Not me. I still loosen my ties and throw them in the closet so I can lackadaisically tighten it again whenever I'm forced to go someplace nice (funerals, over-priced nightclubs, Chili's). Eventually I'll get to that step by age thirty. Naw, make it forty.

What we all should be doing is celebrating the fact that we are still in the primes of our lives and are able to have a good time with some libations and loose friendly ladies without worry. Irresponsibility is not dead. And the best way to embrace your inner man-child is by throwing a party reveling in the best time in your life: Being a kid.

When you're a kid you don't spend your time distressing about paying a mortgage or studying for a final or wondering why it burns when you pee. Life is one big adventure full of curiosity and cotton candy; and you're bright eyed and bushy-tailed (sorry for the Shel Silverstein-esque lingua franca). Most kids could care less about their futures, and are more invested in the motherfucking Wiggles.

Live in the moment, my friends.

So, here is my idea to combine the whimsy of childhood with the debauchery of twentysomething life: A Kid Party. Of course, there will be a couple of changes along the way.

Bouncy Castles:
Even as an adult, whenever I pass by a bouncy castle on my way to the whorehouse library I want to kick off my shoes (rules are rules) and jump my brains out. You can literally kick the shit out of your friends in a bouncy castle and no one will ever get hurt. Add a couple cocktails and scantily-clad women and you have yourself a party. Invariably, some idiot you know will call attention to himself and claim to be able to pull off a flawless backflip. He will first shoo everyone away and mentally prepare himself for the biggest moment of his very empty life. After several incongruous attempts he will blame his shortcomings on the buoyancy of the castle and leave in a fit of rage while everyone at the party knowingly nods to the fact that he was far too fat to pull off a proper backflip anyway. The only problem with bouncy castles is that eventually one drunk ass will puke all over the castle and render it useless for the remainder of the party.

Hired Performers:
I'm talking about clowns in stilts, magicians and Disney characters! Just hire a couple of these recovering drug addicts turned children's performers under the guise that they will be working a boy named Timmy's 6th birthday party. Then, surprise them with free drugs and payment consisting of bloody rolled up twenty dollar bills. All of your guests will have a jocular time taking pictures with the entertainment, challenging them to arm wrestling competitions and knocking them off their stilts into the pool. For a few hundred dollars you will receive innumerable hours of fun, until one of the mime's OD's behind the dunk-tank after forcibly inhaling too much helium. Don't fret about notifying the authorities or calling an ambulance; hired performers have no one that loves them and they will not be missed.

Since your guests will consist primarily of adults, (with a sprinkling of high school chicks with fake ID's) there is no need for juice boxes or Capri Sun. Drop a couple kegs, hire a bartender and get weird. If the bartender is a male, make fun of his v-neck and lack of a beer gut to your out of shape buddies. But, if the bartender is a female, toss back-handed compliments her way and give her a firm slap on the ass after she makes your drink. However, remember to always wink afterward so she doesn't become upset, that would be just plain rude. Once you get a little liquored up, everyone can participate in children's games. Revamp Pin The Tail On The Donkey by turning it into a game of stabbing the tail onto unknowing guests with a stapler. Tag will be transformed via tasers and crossbows. And the pinata will be filled with expired condoms. (Note: Only use condoms as unconventional balloons. When engaging in coitus, always be safe and pull out.)

Back when you were a kid, every birthday party and sock hop was chaperoned by a group of your parents' friends or teachers from your school who had given up on a social life. Their main duty was to make sure no special needs kids drowned in the pool and to ensure everyone received an equal share of the odious sheet cake that had been baking in the sun for the past three hours. Things will be done a bit differently at this party. Scratch the PTO members and replace them with S&M hookers hired from Craigslist ads. These fierce women of leather combine authority with sexiness (if that's your sort of thing, weirdo) into the perfect party rent-a-cop. If anyone gets out of control, or tries to cheat in Bobbing For Everclear-Soaked Apples, a quick flick of the wrist will put them back in line.

Everyone loves animals, some too much. They're cute, furry and don't mind if you ride them. This party will encompass atypical animals, though. Instead of mini-horses and annoying parrots, we'll have lions, tigers and bears (Don't you fucking dare say "Oh my!"). I see horses all the time and am always unimpressed. Although, I am relatively certain they get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of watching me accidentally step in their shit while wearing my new Italian loafers. Wild animals that can only be witnessed at the zoo will liven up the party after everyone becomes concerned about the dead mime's lifeless body. Surprise your guests by releasing the animals while lunch is being served. Everyone loves surprises that can kill you.

Face Painters:
When I was a spry young buck I loved to get my face painted. Whether it was of my favorite sports team or a stupid fucking star, I was always up for it. Presently, I wouldn't get within fifty feet of a face painter for fear of being mocked by teenagers with unestablished vocabularies. At my party, the face painters will be replaced with a handful of seedy tattoo artists with checkered pasts who specialize in tramp stamps and tribal tats usually reserved for only the douchiest of douches. You may not want a tattoo at the beginning of the party, but after a couple mixed drinks and a dusting of blunt force trauma, you'll be talked into anything. Enjoy your butterfly tattoo, Brad.

Goody Bags:
This one is simple. Just fill zip-lock bags with cocaine and hand them out to guests at the conclusion of the party.

And that, my friends is how one throws a proper Kid Party. Although the confetti and party hats will be replaced with undomesticated wild animals and possible class-action lawsuits, the cathartic feeling remains the same. This party will, for a minute period, transform everyone into their six year-old self, (with the help of hallucinogenics) and allow them live their lives with no worries or consequences. ...Or something like that. Just don't bring any god damn sheet cake.

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