Sunday, May 2, 2010

No. 113 "Finals Preparation."

For many of my readers, its finals week. I don't know why you're reading my stupid blog instead of cramming for that psychology final you have in two hours, but I digress. Finals week is a time when all college students turn into studying machines capable of just about anything on no sleep, little food and a shit-ton of adderall. Here is a helpful list of things you'll need in order to nail all your finals so your step-dad doesn't beat your ass with his belt when he finds out your GPA is a 0.37 this semester.

Study Guides:
Generally, the week before your finals, professors will hand out a study guide consisting of pertinent terms, information and questions that will be on your final. Instead of putting the study guide in a safe place and then using it to create a thorough outline to study from, you should make it into a paper airplane and then throw it at some kid in your dorm. Once you realize that you might actually need the study guide, make sure to email your professor and have him or her hand deliver it to your place of residence. With all the answers already filled in, of course. Your professor didn't give you a study guide? Well, you're fucked. Enjoy taking it again next semester.

You know those rectangular heavy objects that are currently being used to balance your beer pong table? Well, if you open them up, they are filled with words, information, and sometimes cool pictures of dead dudes. If you are one of the many students who did not open your book the entire semester, don't fret, there is still hope. In the back of your book there most likely will be a glossary and index. Go through your study guide and find all the answers that way. Skip all the essay questions, as they are never on tests and are only used by your professor to fuck with you. And for the terms and questions you can't find? Just use Wikipedia, it never fails.

I know what you're thinking: "Drugs? Those are bad for you!" Well, you little narc, these drugs are actually good for you. Unlike cocaine and PCP, which are fun and can gain one access to loose women, adderall is a studying aid originally made for kids whose parents refused to accept the fact that their offspring were retarded. Adderall can be found quite easily, as everyone in our generation has some form of ADD. Just pop a couple of these "study enhancers" and your twelve page written final will be done before Family Guy is over. And if there is some left over you can always sell it to middle school kids and trick them into thinking that its a new pill form of marijuana.

Nowadays, there are so many different types of caffeine to keep the sleep deprived student awake for many a fortnight. You have coffee, red bull, and 5 hour energy. I even saw some Extenze energy drink. Not sure why you need to maximize you manhood while studying, but some people like multi-tasking. Since you won't be sleeping very much, it is important to always have energy. Now, some "professionals" and "doctors" might recommend that you eat hearty, healthy meals and exercise to gain energy, but they're in the wrong. The best way to pull an all-nighter is to get a blender and add the following ingredients: 8 oz Red Bull, 2 oz 5 Hour Energy, 4 oz ground coffee, and an 8 ball of cocaine (for flavor.) Mix it all up and you won't have any trouble staying awake.

The Library:
Its that place where all the foreign exchange kids and ugly chicks hide during the school year while you are enjoying a social life. The library might seem a bit scary at first, with the stone faced librarians and transients urinating in feux plants. Don't worry, it is a great place to surf the internet for funny YouTube videos and update your Facebook status several times an hour. Once you realize that you've spent three hours doing nothing but look for bikini pictures of that girl you like on Facebook and watching Fail Blog videos, check out a couple books that might have something to do with your class and then never return them.

Study Groups:
The best way to assure good grades during finals is to join a study group. It doesn't matter if you have only been to class four times and know none of your classmates by name. All you need to do is approach the smartest nerd person in your class, (usually the dude with horn rimmed glasses and a sweet cardigan) and ask to join his study group. To command dominance, show up late and unprepared, then berate your group members for not having notes and outlines organized for your viewing pleasure. Crack inept and unfunny jokes to slow down everyone's progress and call the group organizer "Jim or whatever your name is" when you have a question that needs to be answered.

The Night Before:
Once you feel as though you've done everything possible to prepare for your final exams, it is important to take your mind off academics for a few hours and into repose. Switch off between playing video games and mild studying. Play Call of Duty for two hours and then lackadaisically look at your notes for three minutes. Getting out of your dorm/apartment is important as well. Go to that kegger down the street put on by your college drop-out friends. Have a couple pitchers of beer and then go to sleep at 4 am. Three and a half hours is plenty of sleep for a test worthy 50% of your grade.

And that, my friends is how one properly prepares for finals. Some people might tell you that attending class regularly, taking notes, reading your textbooks and meeting with your professor during office hours is the correct way to prepare for finals, but who really has time for all that nonsense? And if worse comes to worst, retaking a class ain't all that bad. A new crop of impulsive freshmen chicks is just a couple months away. Enjoy your beating from your stepfather.


Raf said...

I'm reading your blog while I poop. Ain't technology grand?

Paddy 234 said...

Yes it is. I write my blogs while I poop.

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