Thursday, May 27, 2010

No. 115 "How To Get Fired."

The 9-to-5 lifestyle has become a necessity for most college graduates. All those days waking up at noon, microwaving a burrito from the night before, washing it down with a faderade and then going to class in your burrito-stained sweat pants are over. Real life is upon you; full of alarm clocks, word of the day calendars and ironed button downs. Shitty, I know. There is a solution, though. Get your ass fired and enjoy a severance package for the next couple of months. You were gonna get laid off anyway. Just follow these simple steps.

Show up to work whenever you want. Synergy meeting at 9? Eff that. Play some Call of Duty until around 11 and then come into work like you normally would. Some co-workers might comment on your tardiness or lack of pants, but they won't tell the boss because they know you always carry a knife on you.

Always Carry A Knife On You:
Knives can be helpful in a variety of situations. Say you boss is having a hard time opening up a package from corporate. Come to his rescue by swiftly opening up the package with you butterfly knife. He or she might even give you a raise for your fast acting skills. One could also use a knife to play five finger fillet on your desk while bored. Play with your co-workers as well, even if they continually thwart your requests.

Foul Language:
Offices pride themselves in using "professional language" and specific jargon. Who needs that junk? Now, there's no need to overuse expletives. Just try to fit it into everyday small talk or during a meeting. "I saw that episode of Glee last night. It was mother fucking awesome. So well written." Or, "I agree Mr. Osbourne. Client retention should be our first priority. Cunt." The options are endless.

Sexual Harassment:
This should be easy for the average post-graduate male. Start small with a receptionist or intern; basically someone who is lower on the chopping block than you. Compliment their awesome boobs or banging booty. Who know, they might even dig it and hook up with you. (Low self-esteem score!) From there, move up to your superiors. Cat calls and ass-slapping are the most effective tools for sex-har. And if need be, bang your boss' wife (or daughter).

This is probably the easiest way to get fired. Most companies have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence, so this should do the trick. Try starting a street fight in the office parking lot. Once the clock hits 5 O'clock, start shoving smaller and weaker co-workers and yell farcical accusations at them until it becomes violent. This could even turn into an after hours fight club, like that one movie whose title I can't recall.

The office refrigerator is a sacred place for people's lunches. Fuck with it. Grab a bag boldly marked George and then eat his egg salad sandwich in front of him. He might ask "Um, is that my sandwich?" Casually reply "Yep" and then continue consuming the meal his wife made for him this morning. This may only get you a write-up or a closed-door "talking to" by your boss. Next, poison everyone's lunch. That'll get the job done; and pesticide is relatively cheap.

Who doesn't love sports? Undateable chicks and gay dudes, that's who. But, other than those two groups, just about every American enjoys sports. Bring a football to work and start tossing it around. It doesn't matter if no one is looking and you knock over their computer. Before you know it, a seven-on-seven pickup football game will be going on in your office. Once your boss comes out of his office to make sense of all the commotion; tackle him to the ground and then taunt him by grabbing your groin in a suggestive manner. You'll be boxing up your personal items in no time!

Opposite Day:
Just how it sounds. Do the opposite of whatever your boss or co-workers ask of you. Deborah asks you to confirm a new customer? Call the customer and hurl ethnic slurs at them. Henry wants you to re-file paperwork? Shred that shit. Your boss recommends that you discontinue wielding a knife to work? Stab him multiple times. Who knew your ineptitude could get you so far?

So, whether you are getting too touchy-feely with Ashlee the intern, or poisoning Derek's cobb salad, there are many different ways to get shit-canned from the job you loathe with a passion. Before you decide to attempt any of these great ideas, I would check up on your company's termination and severance guidelines. Some jobs will just fire you without severance, and others will have you arrested.

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