Thursday, May 20, 2010

No. 114 "Life Saving Techniques."

It can happen anywhere. In your home, your grocery store or even at that seedy strip club behind 7-11. I'm talking about life or death situations. When these events happen, you have mere minutes to jump into action like Steven Segal in Under Siege II: Dark Territory and rescue some stranger who you'd probably never hang out with in public. It could even be one of your Facebook friends. If one is not properly trained to save lives, they could end up making the situation worse, or even embarrass themselves in front of a group of hot chicks. Today, I will teach you how to adequately save a life.

Unfortunately, no one knows the actually meaning of CPR. Scholars and medical professionals have spent years trying to uncover the meaning of the acronym, but to no avail. Nonetheless, the best way to perform CPR is to first decipher whether they are a male or female. If they are a male, you must ask anyone else if they know CPR so you don't have to get "all gay" with the passed out subject. If there isn't anyone else that can help, its all up to you. Reluctantly give them mouth-to-mouth by blowing into their mouth from several feet away. If they don't start breathing within fifteen seconds, that means they are dead and you tried your best. For females, you should just make out with them. If they don't come to within a couple minutes, try fondling their breasts or tell them that they're "the only one for you." Once the female starts breathing again they will be summoned by law to give you at least a reach around within 12 hours.

Heimlich Maneuver:
This tends to occur at crowded restaurants or dinner parties, so there will be people watching you. There are two choices: Be the dude who looks around and acts like he's helping. Or, step into gear and save the lady who scarfed down her veal scallopini too quickly. Your first step should be to punch the choking idiot as hard as you can in the stomach. Give it a couple tries, and remember to square the fist. At this point, some people might get upset with you and call you a maniac, but just high-kick them out of your way. This lady needs air! Once the almost deceased starts breathing again, kindly hand them your bill. You saved their life, the least they can do is pay for your filet mignon and eight glasses of Merlot.

Knife Wound:
These are generally deleterious injuries, so it is best to not ask questions and get to work. In most sweet action films, once a knife wound happens the stereotypical bad ass will continue fighting off Russians for half an hour before attending to his wound. Unfortunately for you, the victim you will be saving is probably a pussy and just crying a whole punch. To make sure the wound doesn't get infected, pour a handful of gun powder directly on the wound and then light it on fire. Quickly put out the flame with your bare hand and then rip off their nice shirt to wrap the area. Apply pressure for about five minutes or until you get bored and voilĂ ! Knife wound healed.

This usually happens to important people, so make sure you don't fuck up. They will most likely be unconscious when you realize they have, in fact been poisoned. Now, I don't know many ways to cure a poisoning, but your best bet is to look around for any household cleaners that might have been put in his or her soup. Then, have someone with good eyesight read the impossible to render instructions on what to do in case of poisoning. Do not. I repeat do not call the poison control. I am almost positive they don't exist and this action will just result in useless waiting around and small talk. Try flushing their eyes with water or any liquid you can find. It doesn't matter if the poison was ingested. If they don't start moving within two minutes, they're dead. You tried your best. Now, get out of there before law enforcement starts asking questions.

More of a long term "injury" than those previously mentioned. But, it is very treatable. First, find a fat ass in need of saving. Most obese people tend to hang out at Wal-Mart, Golden Corral, or NASCAR events. Then, become friends with them. This will be the most difficult step, since fat people are prone to smelling like onions, farting at awkward moments and asking if you are "gonna finish that." Next, sell their car. Be careful, this will anger them and could result in being sat on. Just dodge a couple of their advances and calmly jog in a circle. After thirty seconds they will pass out from exhaustion. Without their car they will be forced to walk to their favorite buffet chain restaurants. The final step is to schedule the liposuction and gastric bypass they need in order to live past their forties. Use the money you earned from their car to pay for the procedures and soon they will be in shape and ready to live the rest of their life eating squirrel-sized meals.

Bear Attack:
Trip your friend and run the fuck away. You can always find a new friend next year.

Previously, I have given you knowledge on how to nail a stripper and the best way to make friends in a penitentiary. Those are fun and all, but these pertinent life saving techniques will be especially helpful. Whether you are attempting to dislodge a lamb chop out of an elderly white woman or helping your new fat friend from a life long battle with diabetes. Just like the lame ass song they play on that stupid show I've never watched but still know exists, now you know how to save a life.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...