No. 36 "Just A Friend."

In the life of a single man every day is a new day to pick up a chick. They're at parties, campus, and AA meetings, they're everywhere. But one thing that sucks the most is becoming "just friends" with a girl. Once you're just friends, there is no chance of her ever hooking up with you. Just lots of shopping and hugging. Here are some signs you have become just friends...

She asks if you want to go shopping:
Now, unless you are a girl or gay there is no need for shopping. Men go to the store "to buy shit" nothing more. If she asks if you want to go shopping she's basically saying "Why don't you watch me try on clothes so I can impress other guys, not you."

She says "Aw you're adorable:"
Unless you are a puppy or an infant, adorable is as bad as her calling you a loser. Once you are "Adorable" in her book, get used to baby-sitting her little brother while she goes out to bone some guy that isn't "Adorable."

She tries to set you up with one of her ugly friends:
C'mon now, Bertha? She's like could be a middle linebacker for USC! This is a definite No-No.

She asks you favors:
If a girl is into you, she will most likely be too scared to ask you to do things. Once she gives you a list of stuff to do and a cute smiley face at the end of the note, you know you're done for. (p.s. This will happen once you're married, only no smiley face.)

She talks about other dudes:
"Well Jimmy was at the party and totally ignoring me and I was like Oh My God and... blah blah blah." Fuck Other Dudes, even your own friends. You shouldn't care about any guy she talks about, they are all working from the inside trying to get with her. While you're watching The View with her on Wednesday afternoons, they're fucking her best friend to make her jealous.

She invites you over to watch Desperate Housewives:
You're fucking Mom watches this God awful show. Does your mom wanna fuck you? Don't think so... or at least I hope not. Her inviting you over to watch Desperate Housewives is the same as her inviting you over for a manicure.

You take care of her when she gets drunk:
And when I say "take care of," it has nothing to do with sex. Nothing. This involves you: carrying her to her room, holding her hair when she pukes, cleaning up the puke, and not having sex with her. This is her sorority sister's job!

You grab her boob and she screams:
Actually... you are no longer "just a friend." You are now "just a sex offender."

She always brings up her ex:
Her ex is not a "nice guy," he is an asshole, unlike yourself. He banged her and cheated on her, and she still thinks about him all the time and wants him back. You are nice to her all the time, write her love letters in your diary and would never cheat on her. This is why you are "just a friend." Hang out with her ex and take notes.

She tries to set you up with one of her gay friends:
Get OUT.

Now hopefully these tips will help you escape a life of holding this hottie in your arms as she cries about the asshole who screwed her and left her. We all know, that asshole should be YOU.

No. 35 "Spring Break To-Do List."

Spring break is a wonderful time in every 18-25 year old's life where they get shit faced, have unprotected sex with strangers, and bribe Mexican police officers. Here is a list of what every college-age guy wants to happen on spring break, and what mostly likely will happen.

Round up all your buddies and girls and get a bad ass mansion on the beach!
-Get a shitty motel room without air conditioning miles away from the beach and bars.

Fuck one of those chicks from Girls Gone Wild
-Fuck a Tijuana hooker who may or may not have both parts.

Get flashed by many hot girls
-Get flashed by an old Mexican woman.

Get drunk but still have a great time
-Get belligerent the first hour and throw up the rest of the trip.

Don't go to jail
-Go to jail. Do not collect $200.

Don't drink the water
-"Nah man, that's a myth" followed by "Aagghhh, fuck man my barf is orange!"

Spend only $50 the whole trip
-Empty your bank account on bribing cops, illicit drugs and lap dances

Get on to MTV
-Get onto MTV3: The Tres

Eat some delicious Mexican cuisine
-Eat someone's dog or cat

Sneak back into the US with some pills
-Get anally probed by a drug-sniffing dog

Wear sunscreen when outside
-Forget the sunscreen and tell everyone that "lobster red" is the new bronze

"Don't worry mom, I'll be good."
-"Mom... can you bail me out of jail?"

I'm gonna Surf it up, brosef
-Try to surf, end up looking like a jackass, get stung by jellyfish

Only have 3 shots of Absinthe
-Chug the whole bottle, end up forgetting your childhood

So, hopefully you all have a safe and STD-free spring break this year, remember you can only be a drunk, immature jackass in another country but once a year!

No. 34 "How To Pick Up A Girl With A Boyfriend."

Don't you hate it when you start talking to a girl at a bar/party/urinal and you hit on her only to find out she has a boyfriend? Well boyfriends are just speed bumps in the game of life. You have to bring down her most likely stronger, cooler and better looking boyfriend so you can bang her. Tips...

He drives a cool car:
Fuck him. You probably drive a shitty car, and don't know shit about cars in the first place, but pretend you do. "Oh he has a 2005 Mustang? Well I have a 2009." "Um… I have a relative that works for Ford and he got me the super new model." "No, I swear to fucking God!" (That should assure she believes you.)

He's an athlete:
Jocks are lame and they are usually first in the picking order for hot babes. He's a tight-end for ASU? Pfft… I guess he wasn't good enough for quarterback. Don't worry that the two positions are completely different, she doesn't know anything about football.

He's in a gang:
Gangs are so 1995. Ask her how many bandannas he owns.

He's gonna be a firefighter:
This is a tough one because these guys are actually pretty badass, but you want this girl so you need to find a way to bring him down. Try this: "Pfft… yeah well I heard firemen beat black people" Although this is actually LAPD, she will believe you because she is a dumb girl. Anyways, most wannabe firefighters end up dropping out and work at Discount Tire.

He's in the Army:
Another hard one. Tell her that the army is for gays, (even though that's the Navy) and that her boyfriend's "army friends" are all part of a gay orgy club. Yeah… she'll believe that. Plus, we all know real men join the Marines. (That one's for you Damian)

He does charity work for kids:
He helps people? Ha ha. Tell her he probably works with kids because he has Michael Jackson complex.

He plays an instrument:
Yeah well, is he in a band? Oh he is? Well, I bet they suck. He's the lead singer? Your boyfriend is Anthony Keitis? Fuck.

He's in Greenpeace:
You actually don't have to lie to her on this one. Just let her know that her boyfriend is gay.

He's right next to me:
Run.

No. 33 "A Converstation Between..."

Do you ever imagine what it would be like if some of your favorite characters from TV all met? I do, every day. Yeah, I have no life, but this is exactly what it would be like if Zach Morris (Saved By The Bell), Cory Matthews (Boy Meets World), and Michelle Tanner (Full House) all met.

Location: Detention

Zach: God, I hate detention
Cory: Yeah, me too.
Zach: Who are you dude? I've never seen you before
Cory: I'm Cory
Zach: Sup
Michelle: I'm Michelle!
Zach: What the fuck? Aren't you like six?
Michelle: Six and a half! (Audience laughs)
Zach: Where is that noise coming from?
Cory: I don't know, but I miss my Topanga
Zach: Topanga? Hmm... I think I know her
Cory: Yeah she's my girlfriend, the best girl ever
Zach: Big tits?
Cory: Uh...
Zach: Yeah, I think I boned her like 5 months back.
Cory: What?!
Zach: Yeah, she's alright. Could lose a couple L.B.'s though. Anyways, how does my hair look?
Cory: What the fuck man?!
Michelle: You said a bad word. (Audience laughs)
Cory: Shut the fuck up you precocious little bitch!
Michelle: I'm telling!
Zach: Who are you gonna tell? And I still don't know why you're in high school detention... I could be your fucking father.
Cory: Yeah right, that would mean you were having sex when you were like 11
Zach: Yeah.. and...
Cory: Fucking A! Topanga said she wanted to wait until marriage
Zach: She didn't say that to me... all she said was "harder"
Cory: I fucking hate you.
Michelle: I wuv everyone! (Audience awes)
Zach: Seriously, is there a live studio audience here or is that the mushrooms kicking in?
Cory: I can't believe you fucked my girlfriend!
Zach: I can't believe she swallowed
Cory: I'm gonna fucking kill myself
Michelle: I have to go potty!
Cory: Then fucking go you little brat!
Michelle: That's not very nice... (Audience Awes)
Zach: Definitely the 'shrooms...
Michelle: Whats "shrooms?"
Zach: Its a magical thing you eat and then you go on adventures with Scooby Doo
Michelle: I want some!
Zach: (hands her some 'shrooms) Here ya go
Cory: Dude, don't give her those, she's only a kid
Zach: What ev man, I nailed your girlfriend
Michelle: Ha ha, he nailed your girlfriend
Cory: Oh my God, this is the worst day of my life
Zach: Chill out man, eat some 'shrooms
Cory: No way, those are bad for you
Zach: Yeah, so is chlamydia, but I don't sweat it
Cory: Good god...
Michelle: You're in big trouble Mister! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: What the fuck? Why'd you say that? It had nothing to do with anything
Michelle: You got it, dude (Audience Laughs)
Cory: Now you're just saying random shit
Michelle: Uh oh! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: I hope you get an eating disorder

No. 32 "Fighting Techniques."

Every once in a while a douche bag will come around and want to kick your ass, but instead of trying to fight back, you should do these things...

Tell him a joke.
No one can resist a good laugh. So, once they are about to beat your face in, tell them a funny joke that you heard earlier in the week. This will distract them and if it's funny they're forget about beating your ass and you both can go out for a milkshake. (Warning: Do not tell black jokes to black people.)

Offer him a joint.
"Hey how about instead of fighting, we smoke this joint and then beat up some Asian kids?" No one can turn down a doobie, and everyone loves beating up Asians. (Ha ha just kidding, my mom is Asian… actually she isn't, but you know what it'd be like.)

There's a bear behind you!
Right before they're about to lay you out, tell them that there's a bear behind them. No one likes being mauled by bears. Who cares if you live in Phoenix and there have never been bears there. Once they realize that there is no bear behind them they will thank you for looking out for their safety and let you on your way.

Dance.
Instead of fighting just start dancing with them. They throw you to the ground, you spin them around and dip them. No one can resist the temptation of the salsa, and they will be impressed with your dancing skills.

Put on glasses.
No one would hit someone with glasses, that's just rude. Your bully will have no choice but to leave. Take off the glasses and put on some sunglasses. Now you're cool.

Fall asleep.
Right before the fight starts lay down and go to sleep. No one will beat up someone who's sleeping. Your fight-ee will leave, and you can wake up well rested and un-beat up.

Gun.
If any of these don't work, just shoot them in the stomach. It will scare them and girls will flock to you because guns are badass. Walk off with just an attempted murder charge instead of a black eye.

Overall, none of these things will work, it will probably just make them madder and beat you even harder. The best way to win a fight is to watch some tae-boe videos or have black friends.

No. 31 "Erecting Your Self-Esteem."

Are you down in the dumps, an Arizona Cardinals fan, or always get turned down by hot chicks? Well, just think in twenty years she'll be an old maid that nobody will ever love. Here are some tips to help raise your self-esteem...

Have your friend re-tell you the story about when his dog got run over by a car.
-It will remind you of your alive dog.

Go to Wal-Mart
-Seeing those sub-humans can only make you feel better.

Compare your wiener to Asian's wieners.
-Always does the trick. (Caution: do not compare to black dudes)

Live vicariously.
-Pretend to be Brad Pitt. Call your ugly girlfriend Angelina and look in the mirror and say "nice six pack!" to your beer gut.

Hang out at the Retirement home.
-Make sure to let them know you'll outlive them.

Sign up for charity work.
-No need to actually do the charity work. The signing up alone will make you feel better.

Curse around children.
-Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents happy

Date a fat chick.
-A really fat one... like 400 lbs. Make sure not to take her out in public, (cranes can be expensive) and have her do everything for you and make her fall in love with you. Leave her. Your self-esteem will go up, hers will go down. Just like a see-saw! (Caution: Do not go on see-saw with fat chick)

Have a kid.
-This is a 9 month process, (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand you have yourself a servant!

Ask your Jewish friend what they want for Christmas.
-Self explanatory and hilarious.

Drink a lot.
-Your life seems so much cooler when your drunk. Even when its by yourself on a Sunday morning.

Go back to middle school.
-Outsmart those dumbass 13 year olds. Too tough? Try elementary school.

Read a book.
-Ha ha just kidding.

Give.
-...your STD to another person. Christmas is the time for giving!

Smoke some drugs.
-Or inject them :)

Good luck, and if none of the above works, it's probably because I gave you horrible advice.

No. 30 "Winter Break To-Do List."

Ahh... winter break is almost upon us. No more need take 4 adderol to study for your finals the night before, no more eating your roommates food, and no more parties with all legal girls... here's my to-do list for the next month or so while I'm home:

What you say you're gonna do
What you're gonna do

I'm gonna have the best winter break ever!
I'm gonna have a lame one, then lie to my friends when I come back.

I'm gonna go to so many bad ass parties!
I'm gonna go to three lame parties and realize that back home sucks

I'm gonna eat healthy.
I'm only gonna eat fast food and gain 10 pounds.

Dude, I'm gonna work out every day.
I'm gonna drink every day and watch a lot of college football.

I'm gonna hang out with the family.
I'm gonna give my mom my laundry to do, beg my dad for money then sleep in my own bed four times the whole break.

I'm gonna get a job.
I'm gonna apply to two places and then go home to watch TV.

I'm gonna get everyone X-mas presents
I'm gonna go to the mall, find shit I like and buy it for myself

Yeah mom, I'll pick up grandma from the airport.
I'll get drunk, fall asleep and then pick up grandma from the airport 9 hours late, drunk.

I'll read some books.
I'll read my dad's Playboys.

Oh fuck its X-mas Eve!
Here you go dad, I made you a macaroni card

I'm getting a Wii for Christmas!
I got a Dreamcast...

I'll clean the house, mom.
I'll make a mess and make you clean it up.

New Years is gonna be crazy!
What the fuck, New Years Sucks

I'm gonna sign up for classes.
I'm not going to, and I'll use my computer mostly for porn.

I'm gonna hook up with hot Cindy.
I'm gonna make out with her fat friend.

I'll go to church tomorrow.
I'm gonna drink until 5 am, come home drunk, throw up on the carpet and then sleep in until 3pm.

I'll feed the dog.
Sorry I killed Fluffy, mom.

Bye mom, I'll call you when I get back up.
I'll call you when I need money again

No. 29 "How To Be Cool."

I know how it is, you're a little awkward, don't have that many friends and haven't tried any hard drugs yet. Life sucks. But don't put your roommate's toaster in the bathtub yet, there is hope. Just listen up...

SUNGLASSES:
Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice you and respect you. The dude with sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.

VOCAB:
Use words that were cool in the early 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man i haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"

HALF-WORDS:
Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half-way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of session say "sesh," and instead of douchebag say "D-bag." In no time you'll be chillin', having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."

COKE:
Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow a lot of lines and then brag about it to your friends and relatives, high-fiveing will ensue.

STEAL:
Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove your badassness. So go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, a get-a-way car, or a hoodie. Just look really mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses... and more coke!

BANDANNA:
Bandanna, not banana. (I know, I confuse them too) You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them, and he's a badass.

TUNAGE:
Bump some tunes while rollin' in the Camry your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear from far away and a crowd will form to see how cool you are.

HIT ON CHICKS:
Cool dudes hit on chicks like its nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl there. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if they give you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.

FUCK YOUR FRIENDS:
Not literally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends. (cool people say yo instead of hello) Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandannas. Your lame old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and then run away.

There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember to also never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects and cute animals.